What's Keeping You From Asking For What You Want?

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Here's a situation I run into a lot with my executive coaching clients: A client wants something at work, whether it's a raise, a new leadership role, a coveted assignment or the go-ahead to launch a new project. She knows that what she wants is reasonable and workable.  

But she won't ask for it.

Vanessa K. Bohns, a professor of organizational behavior at Cornell University, says this fear about asking may come from how companies are structured.

"Because most companies emphasize the rigidity and formality of their hierarchies, employees tend to assume that their influence is dependent upon their roles or titles — that if they lack official clout, they can’t ask for anything," she writes in Harvard Business Review.

And women tend to have more issues around asking than men do.

“Women don’t ask,” Jean Clemons, a lecturer at Wharton on management communication, told attendees at the school's Women in Business conference last year. “Men ask for things — whether it’s jobs, raises, projects, engagements — two to three times more than women.”

If the idea of asking for something at work makes you nervous, take heart: You can become more comfortable with making requests, and increase your odds of getting a "yes." These tips can help.

It's All in How You Show Up

Worries about how they'll be perceived can stop women from asking for what they want. They're concerned that the person on the receiving end of their request will think that they're too assertive, aggressive or focused on themselves. If this keeps you from asking for something, think about how you want to be perceived —in other words, how you want to show up.

Let's say you're concerned that your request will make others think you're self-centered. Before you ask for what you want, think about what you can say and do to help others understand that your request is about something bigger. How can you connect what you want to what benefits your team, your department or the business as a whole? What kind of language would convey that message?

Protecting the Relationship

Another fear that can hold women back from asking for what they want is that the request will damage their relationship with the other person.

To get past that anxiety, first think about the kind of relationship you want with that person. For example, do you want a partnership, or are you focused on conveying respect? The kind of relationship you want will determine how you make your request. What words or supporting materials convey your approach to the relationship?

Losing Your Fear of 'No'

Sometimes you might talk yourself of out of asking for something by assuming that the other person will say no anyway, so it isn't worth putting yourself out there.

But, according to Bohns' article, you probably have a better chance of getting a positive answer than you think.

"It’s often harder for people, even bosses, to say 'no' than 'yes,'" she writes. "Because we’re not attuned to others’ motivation to help us, we limit our ambitions."

Of course, though, you might get a "no." And I find it helps to go into a request knowing the range of possible answers— from "yes" to "maybe" to "we need more information" to "no."

Consider all the possible outcomes, and think about how you could use each one to move things forward. Even if your request gets turned down, it could still give you the opportunity to get a point across, build support for an idea or gather information that could help you turn a "no" into a "yes" eventually. "No" isn't a personal rejection or attack. And it's not "no, forever."

This week, think about something you've been hesitant to ask for. Use these ideas to help frame your request, and let me know how it goes. If what you're asking for is a raise, you can download my free tool "How to Negotiate a Pay Increase" by signing up in the box just below this post.

The High Cost of Not Being Direct

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As a leader, are you clear with others?  

Are you sure?

I'm always surprised at the number of companies where their culture is to communicate indirectly. A recent survey of 1,000 U.S. workers about communication issues that hamper leadership found something striking: 57 percent of respondents complained that their leaders do not give clear directions. That was the second-most-cited issue in the whole survey. Other common complaints also show employees' dissatisfaction with leaders' lack of directness. Just over half of respondents said leaders simply refuse to talk to subordinates. And 39 percent said their leaders fail to offer constructive criticism.

Confusion and Missed Opportunities

In my work as an executive coach, I've seen similar issues play out at many companies. People who have a more direct, transparent communication style can have trouble in such an environment, and are often asked by others to "soften their message." They struggle with knowing what they can bring up and how to do it in a way that fits in with the culture.

I also hear from employees who get frustrated because their bosses send conflicting messages or don’t clearly state their expectations. A boss may say he expects one thing, but his actions indicate something completely different.

Leaders with an indirect style often miss opportunities to give their team members valuable feedback. When employees don't understand specifically what others value about what they do and how they do it, they underutilize their strengths – which has an impact on them and the company. On the other hand, some leaders shy away from giving constructive feedback because they worry about damaging the relationship with the employee. But, as the results from the employee survey affirm, the real damage comes when leaders aren't open and honest enough to tell their team members what's holding them back.

How to Navigate through a Culture of Indirectness

I advise clients who work in a culture of indirectness to pay attention to what others are doing, not just what they're saying. If your boss doesn't give you feedback, you'll find ideas in this blog post to help you succeed despite a lack of specific direction.

I also have an earlier blog post with tips to help leaders be direct when delivering difficult feedback. Just remember to offer the feedback in the spirit of generosity and to frame it in a way that shows how much you care about the employee's success ("If I were you, I'd want to know this …"). When you offer this kind of feedback, you build trust and strengthen your relationship with your team members.

This week, challenge yourself to be just a little more direct in your communication style by acknowledging that what you are sharing is valuable to the other person — and that it can be done with care and concern. By simply asking yourself “How do I want to show up in this conversation?” you’ll notice what’s most important to you and will focus on how to convey that. And for more tips about effective communication that helps you succeed, be sure to check out my book "Show Up. Step Up. Step Out." You can read an extended free sample on my website.

5 Surprising Insights to Unlock Your Strengths

I am a firm believer that leadership development hinges on knowing, using and building credibility around your strengths. I help each of my executive coaching clients strategically leverage their strengths to create a ripple effect, to improve their own performance and that of their teams. As I work with my clients to take their leadership up a notch, these five insights about strengths come up again and again.  

1. You have more strengths than you realize.

As a high performer, you probably set the bar so high for yourself that you don't recognize all the strengths you bring to the table. Your idea of "average" performance may be what others would call exceptional. By noticing the value you bring andhow you bring it, you can build that same capability in others.

Start by making a list of your top three strengths. To validate this, think about the type of work that others typically ask you to do and what they consistently say about your performance. In particular, what skills and perspectives do you have that would be hard to replace?

2. You have to connect your strengths to the “So what?”

Next, identify what each strength allows you to do that your colleagues cannot easily do. Perhaps you can understand and quickly work through complex issues and communicate them to others in a simple way. But the real value to the business is that you efficiently solve problems and make quick decisions that save the company money. Challenge yourself to come up with at least two impacts for each one of your strengths.

3. Your strengths point to where to invest your time.

One of the first things I ask every client to do is to identify the three areas where they can make the biggest impact on the business. It’s a powerful way to take a critical look at what drives results. When you do it, this exercise will force you to think about what’s most important in your current role and powerful ways to make the highest and best use of your strengths. When you are clear about this, you start to invest in the “right work” and ditch or delegate activities that don’t fit.

4. Using your strengths only gets you half the way there.

You may think that your great work will "speak for itself." But in this era of virtual teams and divided attention, you have to tastefully toot your own horn and give others strategic snapshots of how your strengths have created success for the company. Even when your boss has the best intentions, your results may go unnoticed in the daily hubbub unless you share them.

5. Self-care is a strength, not a weakness

Your strengths won’t go very far unless you have the energy to use them. So take care of yourself: Get 7-8 hours of sleep, take short breaks every 90 minutes, and get up from your desk for lunch. "Powering through" isn't a sustainable long-term strategy, will eventually lead to burnout and certainly won’t convince others that you are ready for a bigger role.

As you consider these five insights, identify one action step you will take this week to clarify or leverage your strengths, or boost your energy if you’re running low.

You can learn much more about identifying and developing your strengths in my book "Show Up. Step Up. Step Out.” Check out the extended free sample on my website.

5 Simple Shifts to Build Your Executive Presence

Whether you're looking for a job, aiming for a promotion or simply cultivating improving your leadership effectiveness, you need executive presence. People define executive presence in so many ways — but we definitely know it when we see it. Strong executive presence means that you "show up" in a way that showcases your value as a leader and aligns with the qualities people associate with strong leadership.  As an executive coach, I've seen how clients inadvertently undermine their executive presence. Changing your behaviors in just one area that's been holding you back can make a big difference in how others see you. Take a look at this list to see where you can strengthen your executive presence and then pick one of these shifts to work on this week.

1. Shift to the bigger picture.  

You probably already know that I'm a big proponent of tastefully tooting your own horn. But even if you aren't shy about sharing your accomplishments, you may be leaving out a key step in strategic self-promotion. It's not just about making others aware of your strengths and what you do with your strengths. It's also about tying what you do to the big picture of what's right for the organization. If you leave out this step, you can come off as self-serving. Instead, show that you understand the greater good and are working for it. The connection between what you're doing and the value it creates for the company might be clear to you, but it always helps to connect the dots for others.  

2. Shift to looking “the part.”  

I had a client whose demeanor detracted from her competence. She was always on top of things but she didn’t look or sound like it because she walked fast, talked fast and often "vented" about challenging situations. If that sounds familiar, look for ways to add more self-care or stress-reducing strategies to your life to help you stay centered, grounded and positive. Manage your emotions so that you can become known as a calming force in any situation.  

3. Shift to playing “the part.”  

If you've recently taken on a new role, you might be undermining your executive presence if you're still practicing habits from your last position. Think about how your behaviors need to evolve to match the way you want to be seen now. Even something as simple as the way you take notes in a meeting sends messages about your confidence and capability.  

4. Shift to noticing what's working.  

I frequently work with clients to help them notice what worked well for them in their latest successes. Sometimes as high performers we're in such a hurry to move on to the next goal that we forget to notice what works for us. But when we do take the time to notice, we can put our strengths and passions into play more powerfully. You can even turn a past setback into something positive when you take a look at what helped you get through it.  

5. Shift to demonstrating more confidence.  

Executive presence takes competence and confidence. And, as Claire Shipman and Katty Kay write in their book "The Confidence Gap," the disparity inconfidence between men and women affects women’s success in the workplace. Luckily, self-confidence isn't something that you're either born with or you're not. It can be learned. Check out some simple confidence-building tips in my blog post on "The Confidence Gap."   To help you further build your executive presence, a title in my Leadership EDGE SeriesSM is devoted just to that topic. It has many more ideas for shifts like the ones in this post that will accelerate your career goals.

How to Choose the Right Executive Coach

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A key theme I have found with high performers is a thirst for self-development. Throughout your career, you will have a variety of options to boost your professional growth. So what makes sense for you given the investment of time and money? During my 14-year career at Deloitte, I attended top-notch training programs year after year. I got tremendous value from each of them, but, after a certain point, I needed something tailored to my situation and needs.  

I vividly recall my first experience working with an executive coach. I was a director leading a politically charged global initiative, so it was invaluable to have access to someone who could give me perspective from the outside looking in. At the time, I didn’t fully understand what to look for in a coaching relationship. So, I want to arm you with some key criteria to consider as you forge ahead in your career.

In case you are wondering, there is a tangible ROI for coaching. This is not about just talking through things with an executive coach. According to a survey by the International Coach Federation, an investment in coaching pays off in a big way for both companies and individuals, with results including stronger performance, more cohesive teams, improved relationships and greater work-life balance.

Because the world of coaching has relatively few barriers to entry, do your homework when choosing a coach.

What kind of formal training or certifications does the coach have?

With over 20,000 members worldwide, the International Coach Federation advances the coaching profession by setting high professional standards, providing independent certifications and building a network of credentialed coaches.

Check to see whether the coach you're considering has formal training from an ICF-accredited program or an ICF certification. There are three types of ICF certifications: Associated Certified Coach (ACC), Professional Certified Coach (PCC) and Master Certified Coach (MCC).

What is the coach's background?

Research shows that when organizations hire coaches, they often look for people with strong consulting or business backgrounds. Ask whether the executive coach you're considering has successfully coached people facing similar issues to yours and whether she can relate to your business environment. Review the coach’s website or LinkedIn page for testimonials, representative clients and results.

What is the coach's philosophy?

Before engaging an executive coach, learn more about her philosophy and whether it will work for you. For example, I approach coaching as a partnership where the client and I each bring our collective experiences and expertise to the table. This helps us develop various options to tackle the situation at hand. As a former executive, I also have a bias toward simplicity, so I can make it as easy as possible for my clients to take action and get results.

What results can you expect to see?

Coaching is all about getting results, whether we're talking about hard dollars or soft skills. Look for a coach who will work with you to set concrete goals and outcomes for the coaching and has a proven track record of success. From working with high performers over and over again, I know the common themes that come up and I have a methodology to work through them. Ask any coach you're considering about her approach. But remember, you own the results. If the coach is taking more ownership of them than you are, the coaching won’t result in long-term change.

Is the coaching tailored or "one size fits all"?

When you look at it through the lens of lasting change, coaching has a much higher ROI compared with development methods like books or seminars because it is tailored to your specific situation. Executive coaching can feel like a big investment, especially if your company isn’t paying for the coaching on your behalf. Ask yourself what would have to happen or what you would have to achieve to make the investment worthwhile for you.

Is this coach a good fit?

Clients get the most out of the coaching when they feel that they can truly be open. If you feel judged, it will hold you back from sharing important information. Remember that even when working with a coach on business-related issues, it’s natural for personal issues to surface.

What happens after coaching ends?

I close out coaching with a client by coming full circle to review progress against the original coaching goals. Over 50 percent of my clients get promoted, so we usually have plenty to be excited about! We also identify their personal best practices (in other words, what really worked for them), and identify ways to sustain the progress on their own after coaching ends.

To learn more, visit the About Coaching page of our website. If you're looking for a coach, a couple of great next steps are consulting the ICF directory and exploring our own services for individuals and organizations. Got more questions about coaching? Get in touch via email, Facebook or Twitter to let me know what you'd like to see covered in future blog posts.

Fast, Easy Ways to Give the Recognition Your Employees Crave

Are you leveraging the power of recognition? Giving your team members feedback about what they're doing right and celebrating their achievements are simple but powerful leadership tools. 

And employees definitely notice when leaders fall short in offering recognition. In a recent poll, "not recognizing employee achievement" ranked first on a list of communication issues that prevent effective leadership. Sixty-three percent of the survey respondents in the poll said it was a problem for leaders at their company. Why is that number so high? Sometimes high-performing leaders tend to go without a break from one project to the next, not stopping to celebrate what everyone has achieved.   It takes only a small time investment, though, to make regular recognition a part of your leadership style. Here are a few ideas to try.

Use meetings to share successes.

Start team meetings by asking people to share their recent successes or what's been going well. This doesn't take long, and it makes people feel good because they start noticing what they're actually getting done. Your employees can emulate this practice in meetings with their own direct reports, which helps build a culture of recognition throughout your company. Besides boosting everyone's energy, getting into this habit gives you more information and insight about what is working.

Debrief often.

You don't have to block out time for a meeting to give employees feedback and recognition. Pull your team member aside for a few minutes after a meeting to talk about what she did well while the specifics are still fresh in your mind. Having these conversations is easier if you build a little breathing room into your schedule. Avoid back-to-back meetings so that you'll have time for these informal but valuable feedback sessions. You'll reap the benefits because employees will better understand what you value and want to see more of.

Write it down.

One of my coaching clients blocks out a few minutes every Friday to send a note praising someone for actions that were effective or that made a difference that week. My client even gives himself reminders to rotate the notes among different groups of employees so that recognition gets spread around. Think about how valued and motivated you could make your own team members feel with thoughtful emails or handwritten notes like the ones my client sends.

Recognize yourself, too.

Start keeping a log of your own accomplishments, no matter how small. Be sure to jot down the impact of each one so you recognize the “so what.” High performers frequently overlook their own value, so having strategies to help you notice your own is important. Use this information to proactively share your successes in a tasteful way. And take a look periodically to see what themes you notice. Reviewing this information can be a pick-me-up, especially when you don’t have a boss who gives you much feedback.

This week, choose one or more of these strategies to recognize your team members for their achievements. Even if you can invest only a few minutes, you'll start to see the impact quickly. For more ideas for your team, check out "Building a Strong Team," part of our Leadership EDGE SeriesSM. In this quick read, you'll find more easy-to-implement strategies.

3 Communication Strategies to Boost Your Executive Presence

The way you communicate is the cornerstone of your executive presence. The words you choose and the way you frame your ideas have a big effect on how others see you. That's why I teach my executive coaching clients that success doesn't just depend on doing great work. It also hinges on how you communicate and how that communication shapes your relationships with others. Try these three ideas for communicating more clearly and effectively. I think you'll find that even small tweaks help others hear what you're saying — and that, in turn, helps you make an impact with your leadership.  

Make your intent clear.

Don't assume that other people understand why you're acting, speaking or responding the way that you are or that they've made the connections you want them to make, even if you think it should be obvious to them. Maybe it would be obvious to others in a stress-free, static environment, but I don't know anyone in that situation!

Misunderstanding about intent was at the heart of a conflict I helped a client with recently. A colleague had asked my client for help with something. Her way of helping was to start asking questions to understand more about what was going on so that she could help with a solution. But the other person misunderstood my client's intentions and thought that she was challenging her, not helping. I helped my client see how she could create different outcomes in future scenarios like this one by taking a moment to acknowledge what the other person is saying and to explain her response. In this case, she could have said something like, "I am asking a lot of questions so I understand how I can best help you in this situation." Frame your words and actions to help others understand where you are coming from and what your intentions are. "Connecting the dots" for others is a valuable habit for any leader.  

Show that you get the big picture.

Part of your executive presence is showing others that you understand what's truly important. Communicate in a way that helps them understand the "so what?" of what you're saying. For example, when you're telling your boss about a decision you've made, describe your conclusion first, not all the details that led up to it. There'll be times when it's appropriate to dive in to details, but first show that you can summarize and synthesize at a higher level and that you have a firm grasp on business priorities. Reinforcing that you're someone who works for the broader benefit of the organization is one of the most powerful things you can do to build your influence.

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Demonstrate your focus on the solution.

Let's say your team is having trouble working with one another. There's a big difference between telling your boss or colleagues "I'm frustrated by how they don't collaborate" vs. "I’ve been thinking about how we can work more effectively together." When you're talking about a problem, one of your main goals should be to convey that you are focused on finding solutions. This doesn't mean that you single-handedly have to find the right answer — you just want others to know that you're on top of things and have a mindset and attitude that will move things forward. Instead of framing things in terms of solutions or opportunities, some people highlight the risks or frustration. To avoid coming across as someone who may be emotionally hijacked, practice pausing before you speak and think about how you want to show up. This will allow you to frame your responses in a positive way.

This week, pay attention to how you communicate and then start implementing the strategy that will make the most difference for you. To develop your communications skills even more, read "Communicating with Impact," part of my Leadership EDGE SeriesSM.

Put Your Passion to Work for You, Not Against You

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Passion motivates us to work hard, to innovate, to drive changes and to accomplish more than we ever thought we could. However, when overused, it can intimidate or drive people away. Is your passion working for or against you?  When Passion Pushes Others Away   A recent executive coaching client is smart and very passionate. Erin (as I'll call her here) is a huge advocate for the people, ideas and solutions she believes in.   The irony was that her passion was working against the results she wanted to see. As I began coaching Erin, I learned that her communication style had a lot to do with it. When she was passionate about something, she would talk a lot about it. In fact, she took so much air time that others felt like she only cared about her own agenda. Because she had such a strong sense of conviction about what she was communicating, she also had the tendency to frame things as, "You're either with me or against me." As you can imagine, others felt put off by her style. Even though her passions were about helping others and doing the right thing for the company, Erin came off as self-centered because she talked more than she listened. And her "me against the world" tone made colleagues feel as if they were always in win/lose situations with her. Few even recognized that her passion drove a lot of her behavior.   Is This the Kind of Leader You Want to Be?   To leverage the power of Erin's passion, I started by helping her get clear about what she wanted to be known for — her desired leadership brand. She loves to teach others, bring innovative ideas forward and build strong relationships (i.e., she is passionate about all of these things). Although these elements influence her approach and decisions on a daily basis, she didn’t convey that in how she showed up with others. Realizing that she was out of sync, Erin started to make some changes.   Make Your Passion Work for You   If your passionate style has been more of a stumbling block than a catalyst for your own leadership, try some of the strategies that I helped Erin implement.

• Clarify your intent. Help your colleagues understand what this is really about and the intended outcome. Avoid setting up options as "right" or "wrong."

• Be curious. To foster buy-in, you have to know where others are coming from. Listen more. Ask more questions. Seek to understand.

• Consider relationships. It’s not just about getting others to say yes or agree with you. It's also about strengthening your relationships with them.

• Change the venue. Talk to people one-on-one instead of in a group setting where your style may make them feel more defensive.

Powerful Results   The changes I worked with Erin to put into action have made a huge difference in how she is perceived and, consequently, her impact. Her boss told me that he, other senior leaders and her peers now see her as more credible, confident, capable and ready to take on more. Erin is still her passionate self — she's just expressing that passion in a way that works.   If Erin's story resonates for you, I want to challenge you to notice how you communicate when your passion runs high — and how others react to you. Or simply try one of the strategies I mentioned this week. For more advice on how to make sure your messages are in line with your desired personal brand, check out my book "Show Up. Step Up. Step Out.”

Catch Up on 5 of Our Most Popular Posts

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In the hustle and bustle of life, things can get lost in the shuffle. That's why I wanted to make sure that you hadn't missed any of these five posts that have been a hit with our readers. Each one is short and sweet and delivers powerful ideas you can immediately put into action.­­

Early Morning Habits of Successful People

How do you start each day? The answer can make all the difference in how much you accomplish.

Simple Steps to De-Stressing

When you're overwhelmed and stressed, it can be hard to figure out how to start digging your way out of it. This article can help.

Why Your Underperformer Isn't Changing

It's one of the most frustrating situations a leader faces: A team member who isn't performing as you need him to — and shows no signs of changing. But you can deal with this issue in a way that helps you and the employee get better results.

Are You in the Moment?

Have you ever had the "perfect storm" of stress heading right for you? Learn how staying in the moment can get you through.

4 Powerful Questions to Get You Moving Forward

If you’re feeling stuck, frustrated or tired of dealing with the same problems again and again, you may be overlooking simple solutions right in front of you. These four questions can help clear away mental roadblocks so you can move forward.   Need more high-impact, quick hit strategies to take your career one step further? Explore these topics in depth with my book "Show Up. Step Up. Step Out." It also has many more strategies to take your career to the next level.

How to Communicate Negative Stuff in a Positive Way

One of my clients reached out to me recently because he is unhappy with his new job. He hasn’t yet developed a strong relationship with his boss and doesn’t want to come across as whiny.

He is struggling with how to have the conversation, especially since he isn’t ready to throw in the towel. Keeping a positive tone in a difficult, high-stakes conversation like this one is a key leadership skill. In my work with this client, we talked through several strategies that can make a big difference when you're in a situation like his.  

Use Positive Language  

When my client and I first talked about his unhappiness with his new job, this is what he told me:

• “This role isn’t what I was expecting. My skills are underutilized, and I’m bored and frustrated.”

• “I’m not sure where this experience is really going to lead me or my career.”

• “I want a better relationship with my boss, but he is so different from other bosses I have had. My last boss was so supportive. I’m not sure where I stand with this one.”

Sharing this information with his boss using words like the ones he used with me seemed risky, given the situation. After all, this is a conversation that will set the tone for my client's relationship with his boss. The choices he makes about how to handle the conversation will have a ripple effect throughout his time at this company.   That's why I gave my client this strategy: Even if you’re feeling negative, share it in a more positive way. The easiest way to do this is by first clarifying your underlying intent. In other words, stop and ask yourself what this is really about for you.   Here’s how my client used his intent to communicate the situation to his boss:

• "I value my relationship with you and the company, so I want to be transparent about what is going on for me."

• "I want to more fully utilize my skills to support the business and have a bigger impact. Here’s where I see an opportunity. …"

• "I am committed to the company and want to better understand the career path."

Can you see how those words would land very differently with his boss than how he originally described the situation to me?  

Focus on How You Want to Show Up  

The second way to find the right words is by focusing on how you want to show up vs. how you don't want to show up. For example, if you want to come across as proactive and positive vs. whiny and negative, what words, tone and body language would convey that? Practice speaking out loud and in front of a mirror so you can make sure these three things are in sync.  

Work on the Relationship  

Finally, consider one of these options to develop a stronger relationship with your boss over time:

• Pay attention to what he cares about and how he communicates. This helps you position things more effectively.

• Ask others whom you trust, and who know him well, how to best engage him.

• Get to know him as a person.

• Tell him how to best work with you. Many leaders have a hard time figuring this out on their own, so make it easy for them. For example, tell him what management style works well for you (hands on or hands off) and the most effective communication approach (e.g., direct, face-to-face, etc.) and ask what works best for him. This will allow the two of you to co-design your working relationship.

• If he doesn't give feedback, offer your own self-assessment and ask him what he thinks.

I’ve shared a lot of different ideas here. Which one resonates most with you? I challenge you to pick a strategy and get started Let me know how it goes!

For more resources to help you get going, check out our Leadership EDGE SeriesSM booklet on Communicating with Impact or go even deeper with the WOW! WomenOn the Way to Peak Performance Program℠.

Shake Things Up at Work

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This year I committed to taking even better care of myself. In general, I do a good job of eating right and exercising regularly. What I am still mastering is getting enough sound sleep. After a few days of that, I know I am less productive and patient — what my son and I like to call a case of the Grumpies.  

When either of us finds ourselves needing to shake off the Grumpies, we literally shake things up and start dancing. It always works. Within seconds we are laughing. When you get out of your head, engage your body and start changing your environment, things shift.

For those of you thinking this is a goofy idea, I want to remind you of multi-billionaire Tony Robbins, who integrates this into his programs. I attended one for the first time last year and was amazed that we could go for hours without breaks if we integrated these basic concepts.

I had never been to one of his conferences and am used to tame corporate events. I danced for hours at this conference. Tony is a master of engaging your mind and body to get results.

I am not suggesting that you all start dancing in the office. But just consider for a moment how you can change your environment and use your body to infuse more energy into each day. It could be a simple walk, stretching, breathing or laughing with someone. (And maybe some dancing when no one is looking?) My WOW! Highlight Audio℠ product is another easy way to get an energy boost. Listen to it on a break or in the car for a quick hit of essential strategies to advance your career.I challenge you to identify one small step you will take.  And remember that small steps lead to big results.

My Top 8 Life Lessons — What Are Yours?

We all have life lessons buried in our years of experience, living life and watching others around us. When was the last time you took a few minutes to distill yours?  

If it's been a while for you, you're not alone. I often discover some of my most important lessons as I am coaching someone. When this happens, I find myself wondering whether the words I just said out loud were just as valuable to me as they were to the leader I was coaching at the time. It always leaves me feeling like the "Twilight Zone" music should be playing in the background and Rod Serling might pop out any minute.

Despite any "aha" moments we might have, most of us don't write the lessons down unless something prompts us to do so. For me, it's typically when I am asked to speak at conferences or companies, or if I am on a plane where no one can call or email me. For others, it may be when a major life event occurs and they are trying to make sense of it. It's the rare person who makes reflection about life lessons a regular part of her leadership development without someone (like a coach or mentor) suggesting it.

I hadn't planned to generate a list of life lessons on my flight as I headed to the Grand Canyon recently. I was actually trying to take a nap. But I guess my head was too full, and this list came oozing out.

1. It is OK to want what you want. Admit it to yourself, stop judging and get started.

2. You get what you give. Be generous.

3. Accept support no matter how tough and self-sufficient you are. It makes others feel good.

4. Stop overthinking and go with your gut. It will be OK.

5. Your body knows when you are taking a wrong turn. Don't ignore your insomnia and pain.

6. Decide what kind of leader you want to be, regardless of how others are showing up.

7. Be good to yourself. Empathy isn't just for other people.

8. Own your value. It is the first step in creating a ripple effect, that positive impact you want to have on others.

As you read that list, what resonated most with you? I want to challenge you to identify the biggest lesson for you this year. It might be one you've learned before but needed to be reminded of. I would love to hear from you.

Need a Change? Here's Where to Look First

Does it feel like time for a change in your career? There's one simple strategy for career shifts that many of us overlook. It’s one I didn’t consider early on in my career but that I used three times during my 14 years at Deloitte.  

It is really this simple: Explore the possibilities at your existing company. Too often people jump to options outside their organizations first.

Just Ask

When I left Deloitte in 1995, I had convinced myself that the career options I wanted just wouldn’t be available at the firm. And as I have coached leaders over the years, I’ve heard them share stories of employees who don’t give their managers or other leaders a chance before they decide to leave. They often convince themselves that the company could never give them what they want — whether that's a better salary, a more flexible schedule or a different role.

But trust me, in a competitive job market, companies can get creative and make things happen. If you have consistently performed and demonstrated value, most companies will work hard to retain you because it makes a lot of business sense. I learned this lesson after I got recruited back to Deloitte in 1997, and went on to work there for 10 more years (switching groups three times during that period). Remember that it starts with you — your willingness to simply ask for what you want.

Focus on Your Intent

So, if it really is this simple, what gets in the way? Usually it’s what you value. For example, you may worry about how others will view you or how a move might affect your work relationships or your reputation.

Recently, one of my clients thought about switching jobs within his company but was concerned that his boss and other leaders would question his loyalty and commitment. I could certainly relate. When I changed groups at Deloitte, I felt strongly about not burning any bridges. To help my client overcome his fear, I asked him to focus on his intent, which was to find a way to pursue his passion and to leverage his skills in a way that felt impactful. By incorporating this language into his approach, he became more confident about having the conversation in a positive way.

We also discussed how to frame the conversation to clarify that his decision was about moving toward a role that was a better fit for him, rather than trying to leave a bad situation or group behind. Finally, we thought through how he wanted to show up in the conversation. This helped him better reinforce his key messages with his tone and body language.

So if you're looking for a change in your career, consider giving your current company a chance first before you jump ship. Your company may surprise you. And you can make the move in a way that's true to who you are and what you value.

The Most Effective Ways to Move Past Fear

We all run up against our fears from time to time. Recently, I've been helping clients work through fears around transitions. For some clients, the fear is around wanting to leave their current company, and what might happen if they did. But that same fear can come up even when you’re considering a new role within the same company.  

Moving past fear is a critical leadership skill. As an executive coach, I help clients reframe their fears so they can achieve their goals. I do this from a place of understanding, from my experiences coaching others and from my own career transitions. In 2008, I walked away from an executive position at Deloitte to start my own business. This meant tackling a couple of big fears that are common among high performers. The first was a fear of failure. I had worked hard my entire life to be successful, so taking a huge chance on something that might not work was a big deal for me. The second issue, one of self-doubt, I dealt with early on in my career. In 1995, I left my job without having another one lined up. At the time, I felt confident about my decision. But I totally underestimated how others would view my choice. They questioned and challenged me, and I began to wonder if I had made a big mistake.

What got me through my fears was the power of the vision I had for my life and the steps I took to address each fear. I realized that I cared more about achieving my vision than what others thought of my choices. If you haven't already, try the visioning exercise featured on the blog recently. The answers to this exercise can really help ground you and help you reconnect to what's important when you find yourself hesitating or feeling afraid.

Take a look at some of the strategies that I use to help my clients when they're experiencing fear or anxiety, and see what resonates for you.

• Talk back to your gremlins. Many of us engage in harsh self-talk, especially when we expect a lot of ourselves. Maybe you're thinking about leaving your company for new opportunities, but your inner voice keeps saying, "You'll never find a job that is better than this one. You’re crazy to leave this well-paid position and start over somewhere else." It's important to realize that this inner voice isn't always reliable. Usually it's simply your fear of change trying to be heard.

• Dig deep. Find out what's really behind your fear. When you can zero in on what's scaring you, it's much easier to overcome. In 2008, when I realized that my fear of failure was holding me back, I realized that I had to start by defining success.

• Turn mountains into mole hills. A big decision like a job transition can feel so overwhelming that you may start procrastinating. To help you move forward, turn your big goal into smaller, achievable action steps. Just remember that you don't have to make that big leap and climb that mountain all in one day. Small steps lead to big results.

• Imagine the worst-case scenario. This might seem counterintuitive, but imagine your worst fear playing out. What would happen? How bad could it really be? Then ask yourself what you would do if that worst-case scenario started to happen. Chances are, when you really think it through, you'll realize that you would survive just fine and would take action way before life got that miserable. When I played out my fears about what would happen if I failed at my own business, I realized that the worst that could happen is that I'd have to go back to consulting, possibly start traveling again and be well-paid. That wasn't my dream at the time, but it really wasn’t so bad.

• Get a cheering squad. We all need our fans around us when we go through change. Surround yourself with and ask for support from people who care about your success, from family and friends to mentors and coaches.

It's natural to feel some fear or anxiety from time to time, especially when big changes are on the horizon. These strategies will help keep you from getting stuck in uncertainty. Choose one to try this week, and let me know how it goes.

What Really Helps When You're Overwhelmed

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A couple of my executive coaching clients are going through a situation that you've probably experienced, too.  

They're feeling overwhelmed and frustrated — so much that they can't bring their key leadership skills to the table at work. And, what's worse, they can't see a way out.

What I do with these clients — and what I want to help you do with this post — is show them that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

When you are used to being a high performer who rarely (if ever) fails at anything, being in this place of overwhelm can be unnerving. Sometimes it's hard to know where to start when you're trying to escape it. With my coaching clients, I use an approach that helps make things feel a little more manageable.

The first thing to realize is that you'll need to address the situation on two fronts:

1)    Envision how you want your life to be different from the overwhelmed state you're in right now. If you did the life wheel and visioning exercises in one of the recent blogs, you have some great information to help you do this. You can return to these exercises any time you need to refocus.

2)    Now think about what you can do to improve things in the short term. Don’t worry about solving everything right now. Just identify the first one or two steps that will start moving you towards what you want personally and professionally.

Now let's break things down even further. For most people I've found that the first couple of short-term steps are often the same:

1)    Set some boundaries to create more capacity in your life. Start by identifying just one or two things that you will stop doing. You may already know what those are, and just may need to find a way to say no in a way that works for you.

2)    Your next step is to reinvest that added capacity. If you’re in a place of feeling overwhelmed, the best use of it is usually self-care.

Remember that if you're not taking care of yourself, you can't be there for anyone else. Women often have a hard time getting to this conclusion. But here's something interesting I've noticed in my work as a coach: The farther along women are in their careers, the more they recognize that self-care is a core leadership skill. Sure, experienced executives may get overwhelmed from time to time, but they've accepted the idea that we can't go nonstop — and they practice it. Science backs them, too. Did you know there's actually no difference in productivity between someone who works 55 hours per week and someone who works 70? Spending some time on self-care instead of working will actually make you more productive.

The next time you're feeling overwhelmed, take some time to catch your breath and go through the exercises in this post. Please also consider sharing this post with anyone else who might need these strategies right now, and subscribe to my newsletter (scroll to the bottom of the page to sign up) for a steady supply of tips that will keep you calm, centered and at your best.

Time to Boost Your Self-Awareness

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When you have some down time, let me encourage you to use that time to check in and take your self-awareness up a notch. Just pausing to notice what's going on with your career and what might be holding you back in your leadership development can be the first step toward some big breakthroughs. Use these questions to stimulate some ideas.

• What one thing do you want to be different in your life right now?

• What's standing in the way any changes you'd like to make?

• How is your mindset helping or getting in the way?

• What messages are you telling yourself?

• How much are you thinking about what could go wrong (and making yourself anxious or overwhelmed)?

• If you could let go of one thing, so you can move forward, what would it be?

Keep these questions in mind as you go through your week and jot down your answers. In upcoming posts, I'll give you some specific tips on working through fear and overwhelm.

4 Breakthrough Insights from Ali Brown's Event

Last week was a big one for me.  

I participated in a two-day conference with Ali Brown, a self-made multi-millionaire who works with women entrepreneurs. I did this because I wanted to learn more about the challenges and strategies at that level and to be with a peer group of women who want what I want — to make a bigger difference, break the mold and lead the way.

The attendance at this conference, Repower, was limited to only 35 entrepreneurs with high six- or seven-figure businesses. FYI, only 2 percent of all women-owned businesses have revenues of $1 million or more, so you know there were a lot of smart, successful women in the room.

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I decided to invest in Repower for my leadership development because I realized that I’m not someone who is just here to build a business. I want to have an impact on the world — in a big way. And this was my first step to really own that.

Many of my clients are incredible leaders who also want to make a big difference. So, in that spirit, I want to share my takeaways. Hopefully, this will get you thinking about a next step for you.

Trust your gut

You should know that, going into this event, I had been in the thick of trying to implement a strategy for my business, one that I thought I had to, to take my company to the next level. It has been so frustrating and has sucked the life out of me for months now. No wonder I just couldn’t seem to get it over the goal line.

For those of you who know me well, you know that I am a go-getter and get things done fast, especially when I know it’s the right thing to do. I initially thought my hesitation was because I was entering unchartered waters, but now I realize that it was the wrong approach for me and my business.

If you keep resisting to something in a big way, pay attention. I fell into the trap of ignoring my resistance and rationalizing my approach. My advice to you: Get out of your head and listen to your gut, that intuition that you have developed over a lifetime.

Break the mold

One of the reasons I stuck to the wrong strategy for so long is that I overemphasized other people’s definitions of success, the models that seem to be working in the marketplace. In fact, I did it so much that I discounted my 20+ years of experience developing business strategies, restructuring operations and developing strong leaders. In retrospect, what was I thinking?

Well, I now know that I was simply overthinking. Just because many others have grown their businesses using one model, it doesn’t mean that I have to. This is my golden opportunity to shake things up and do it another way, and stand out from the pack.

It’s easy to get caught up in how others define success or how something “should” be done. Next time that happens for you, ask yourself whether it’s time to break the mold, solve the problem in a new way and be a thought leader. (If you need to get back in touch with your own "true north," try the vision exercise from last week's post.)

Go where your energy is

As I mentioned, the past few months have felt heavy despite the fact that I really love what I do. I get unbelievable gratification from helping high-performing leaders bring out their best, especially knowing how one leader affects so many lives. I realize now that what gives me the most energy is being part of that ripple effect.

I have decided that I will pour myself into where my energy is and put aside all the “should’s” in my head that suck the life out of me. There’s something exhilarating about pursuing a strategy that plays to my passion and strengths — and, by the way, makes more sense for my company!

Surround yourself with the right people

I have wanted to challenge myself to do more and have a bigger impact for a while. I now know that I needed some validation, motivation and inspiration to do that. So, one of the most valuable aspects of the Ali Brown event was meeting the amazing women in attendance. Although we’ve gone our separate ways and live in different parts of the country, I know they will continue to challenge my thinking and give me the support I need from a place of understanding.

I strongly encourage you to make sure you have that kind of support for yourself in your leadership development. Shake things up a bit, go outside your industry and the people you have had in your circle for a while. It is so worth the investment.

As you think about where you are today in your life and career, remember to invest in what’s going to help you take things one step further. Check out the Leadership EDGE SeriesSM or my book — Show Up. Step Up. Step Out. — to get you started. And remember that small steps can lead to big results.

How to Stay Committed to Any Goal

Did you try the life wheel exercise we talked about in last week's blog post?

Using what you learned from the wheel, you've probably been setting some goals related to areas you'd like change in your life.

Setting a goal is only the first step, though. To keep moving toward your goals, you've got to feel emotionally connected to them.

That's why I take my executive coaching clients through exercises to help them visualize achieving their goals, and feel what it would be like.Getting a taste of those satisfying emotions can help them push toward what they want to achieve even when things get tough. Having detailed goals has been linked to future success. You can try something similar with any goal you are working toward right now. I want you envision, in as much detail as you can, what your future will be like after you've achieved your goal. To get started, answer the questions below. You can write down the answers or talk them through with a coach or someone else you trust.

• What is happening in your life now that you've achieved this goal? This could range from where you work to what you do outside of work.

• What do you spend your time doing? Think about what a typical workday and weekend looks like for you in this future, especially the most enjoyable parts.

• Who is part of this future? Visualize your colleagues or clients, and other important relationships.

• What's going on with your family in this future? Picture how you spend time together and what's changed about your relationships with them.

• What's different about your life after achieving this goal? Imagine even the smallest details from your commute to your work environment.

• How do you feel after achieving this goal vs. how you feel today? Think about any differences in your stress level, energy, and happiness and how that impacts your life.

I just recently did this exercise with one of my clients who was ready to make a career change. Let’s call her Michelle. In the future she envisioned, Michelle saw a life that fit more closely with her priorities, one that allowed her to pursue her passion at work without sacrificing her personal life. She had also transitioned from a larger organization to a smaller one that offered more freedom and flexibility. Michelle had also received additional certifications to further build her expertise and credibility in her field. But most importantly, she felt more energized and excited, and so much “lighter” knowing that she was doing the right thing for her career and her family.

In my WOW! Women On the Way to Peak Performance Program℠, I take you through the process of defining concrete goals and overcoming the roadblocks that may prevent you from achieving them. This week, I encourage you to answer the questions in this post or to get started with the WOW! Program℠ if you’re ready to dive deeper. You'll find that the time you invest will pay off. We’ll help you use what you learn in this visioning exercise in my other posts this month.

The First Step to Feeling More Calm and In Control

Maybe you're feeling just the opposite of calm and in control right now. And maybe you've assumed this is just how things are — that with all the demands we deal with every day at work and at home, feeling stressed or anxious is just par for the course.

I get how you feel — I've been there, too. But I've also proactively used some simple solutions to help me come out on the other side, and I’ve helped my clients do the same.

The first step when you're feeling off-kilter is to look at the big picture, by identifying where things are in or out of sync in your life. I take my clients through a “wheel of life” assessment to help them quickly notice where they need to make shifts. Use the blank wheel below and label each of the six sections with one of your top priorities. Then rate yourself on each area using the 0 (low) to 10 (high) scale. See the completed example for reference.

If you rated yourself a perfect 10 in all areas, you would have a smooth, round wheel. Most of us, however, find that our wheel is bumpy and far from perfect. In this example, the wheel shows a very low score in health because this person is burning the candle at both ends and not getting enough sleep, rest or exercise.

If your self-assessment shows more than one area for improvement, start with the highest priority for you. Tackling too many priorities can set you up for failure. Likewise, don’t go overboard in trying to change too much at once. Simply identify the first step you want to take and exactly when you will take it. Once you have accomplished that step, define the next step. Trust me, I have learned the hard way that if you attempt to tackle it all at the same time, you will likely get overwhelmed or stuck. So, keep my mantra in mind: Small steps lead to big results.

This week, take five minutes to complete the wheel to help you take charge and start closing the gaps between where you are now and where you want to be. Giving yourself some time to check-in and map out some steps to self-care is a great way to reach success.

Are You Taking the Right Steps to Build Influence?

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Influence: You know you want more of it, but do you have a plan for building it? Last week, we talked about the different facets of influence, a key leadership skill. I asked you to pay attention to how you're doing in four areas: credibility, connection to the big picture, relationships and processes. Today, I want you to take what you noticed about yourself and use it to complete this assessment tool. Your results will point you toward the actions you should take to build your influence.

Take a look at the following statements related to the different aspects of influence. On a scale of 1-10 (with 10 being "very true"), think about true each statement is for you right now.

Credibility

• I recognize my strengths and the value I bring.

• I consistently share examples of my strengths and how I add value with others in a way that's relevant for them.

Connection to the Big Picture

• I consistently help others see the connection between the value I add and what's best for the organization.

• I speak in terms of the organization's goals and priorities, not just those of myself or my department.

Relationships

• I know who holds both the formal power (power connected to a role) and informal power (power not connected to a role).

• I cultivate relationships with both formal and informal leaders.

Processes

• I engage others and create buy-in in a way that is authentic to who I am as a leader.

• I recognize when to leverage others to deliver a message, even if I could deliver it.

So what did you discover in this self-assessment? Look at the statements where you gave yourself the lowest numbers. Developing your skills in those areas should be the heart of your plan to build influence. If you want to bring up your numbers across the board, start by focusing on your credibility. That's the root of influence.

To help you put your plans into action, check out our Leadership EDGE SeriesSM booklet on Building Influence or get the complete set for bigger savings.

What do you think makes someone influential? Let's continue the conversation in comments or on social media.