Leaders, Are You Ready for 2024?

In my last article, we explored how your team performed in 2023 and what they might need to thrive in 2024. Today, I'd like to focus on you. These five thoughtful questions are designed to help you conclude this year on a positive note and set the stage for a successful 2024.

Photo by Rebrand Cities

1. What Can You Do for Yourself?

As the year winds down and we look toward 2024, consider what changes could simplify your life. If constant distractions and interruptions are a challenge, discussing ways to streamline communication with your team could be beneficial. Alternatively, if you find coaching your team challenging due to time constraints, our New Lens® app might offer the supplementary support you need.

2. Are You Getting the Support You Need?

In our fast-paced lives, it's easy to neglect our personal connections. These relationships, however, are crucial, especially during busy or stressful periods. Don't hesitate to reach out proactively for support. For instance, you might ask a partner to encourage you to start your day with a walk or run if they notice you're overworking and becoming irritable.

3. How Will You Balance Results and Relationships?

As high performers, it's common to focus intensely on results, sometimes at the expense of nurturing relationships. Remember, effective leadership is about achieving goals through and with others. To build stronger relationships in 2024, consider setting aside 15 minutes each week for relationship-building activities, such as sharing articles or making introductions.

4. How Much Did Your Behavior Reflect Your Intentions?

It's important to realize that others assess not only your accomplishments but also the experiences others have working with you. Your intentions are vital, but if they are not reflected in your interactions, they may fall short. Regular feedback from peers can be invaluable in ensuring your behavior aligns with your intentions.

5. What Team Issues Did You Play a Role in?

Every team faces challenges, such as conflict, low performance, or stress. To prevent these issues from spilling into 2024, it's helpful to reflect on your contribution to your team's dynamics. For example, I advised a leader who was inadvertently enabling a problematic dynamic by taking over urgent tasks. By helping her team reprioritize instead, she made a positive change.

What insights did you gain from these questions? Were there any surprises? As you continue to develop your leadership skills, consider exploring our range of products and services, including the innovative New Lens® app, designed to make leadership coaching more accessible.

Here’s to being intentional in shaping what your leadership journey looks like in 2024!

3 Questions to Help You Shape Your Legacy

It's Women's History Month 2020, a time to celebrate the legacies of women who have shaped our country. It's also a valuable opportunity to think about what you want your own legacy to be.

With our days so busy, we rarely get a chance to think about big-picture questions like this one. But considering what you will leave behind is one of the most motivating things you can do. These three questions can be a starting point to thinking about what you want your legacy to be.

1. What three things would you want someone to say about you over the long-term?

Think about this question in terms of both what you do and how you do it. Your answers will probably overlap with your desired brand and your "Big 3": the areas where you can have the biggest impact at work.

If you aren't sure how to answer this question, think about the ripple effect you could start right now — in your company, family or community. What kinds of activities get you excited? What is one thing you can do to put your passion and strengths to work?

Here are some possible answers that might spark ideas for you:

• Seeing the potential in others: The best thing anyone could say about me is that I recognize the power of helping people see and tap into who they really are, and I consistently stretch and challenge them to realize their potential.

• Mentorship: I want to be known as a mentor, someone who always makes it a priority to help the next generation of leaders navigate challenges in their careers. I am not afraid to share tough feedback, because it’s a gift – to increase their self-awareness and help them be successful.

• Servant leadership: I'd like to be recognized as someone who sees the power of one person making a difference. In particular, others would say that I consistently provide support to family, friends, and colleagues and invest time in my community by serving on nonprofit boards.

2. How aligned are your time and energy with your desired legacy?

Track your time for two to three weeks at a high level, paying particular attention to how much time you dedicate to what you want to be part of your legacy. If you're like most of us, your schedule won’t fully align with your priorities. 

Notice the difference between your time and effort and its overall impact. How you can shift the balance toward the things that matter? Identify one or two strategies to help you. What can you delegate? How else can you ask for help? Researchers have found we spent more than 40% of our days on low-value tasks we could easily hand off.

This exercise to think about your legacy may also inspire you to manage your time more effectively. We all get lured away by the various demands on our time. To stop from getting sidetracked, check out my tips to minimize distraction.

3. What one action will you take this week toward the legacy you want to leave?

The word "legacy" can be intimidating. Remember, though, that no one creates their legacy overnight. Everything starts with one small step. What one small step can you take to start moving you closer to the impact you want to have? Here are a few ideas:

• Say “no” to something that doesn’t fit.

• Provide words of encouragement to someone else.

• Make just one different everyday choice.

• Notice a mindset that has been holding you back, and replace that negative talk-track with something more positive.

• Meet with someone who can advise you on that idea you've always wanted to pursue.

Whatever you want your legacy to be, visit my website to learn more about how we can help you get there with corporate programs and apps, executive coaching, self-paced tools or free resources from Newberry Executive Solutions.

5 Eye-Opening Findings on Women at Work

The Women in the Workplace report from McKinsey & Company and Lean In is always an important look at what women are experiencing at work and the barriers we face to our success. With the coronavirus pandemic driving women out of the workforce, it’s even more vital to be aware of these challenges and what we can do to address them. That’s why I wanted to share with you a few of the most striking findings from this year’s report, as well as some ideas for taking action.

1. Women Are Promoted to Manager Less Often Than Men Are

According to the report, for every 100 men who receive a promotion to manager, only 86 women do. This disparity hurts women’s representation all the way to the top levels of leadership. After all, women can’t “climb the ladder” when the bottom rung is broken. The report urges companies to take concrete steps to make promotions more equitable.

If you’re aiming for a promotion yourself, you can increase your odds by honing your communication style and making sure others are aware of your value, even if you’re working remotely.

2. There’s an ‘Allyship Gap’

While this year’s report found that women are champions of diversity, equity and inclusion, it also identified areas for improvement. For example, 25% of women of color said that mentoring or sponsoring is one of the actions that most conveys meaningful allyship. That compares with 16% of white women.

In my article “Do You Have Mentors or Sponsors?” you can learn about the difference between the two — and why you need both. Want to create more opportunities for others? Check out my list of ways you can help them grow.

3. Burnout Is a Big Problem

Of the women surveyed this year, 42% say they often or almost always feel burned out. For women who manage teams, the crisis is even worse. More than half of women leaders report experiencing burnout.

Again, the report urges companies to do more to support their employees’ well-being amid the added stresses of today’s work environment. If you’re experiencing symptoms of burnout, here are a few ideas for getting out of crisis mode and asking for help. 

4. Flexible Schedules Have a Downside

Over the past couple of years, many of us have gained more flexibility in when and where we do our jobs. This can be a real boon for work-life balance, but it can also create its own set of anxieties. According to McKinsey and Lean In: “More than a third of employees feel like they need to be available for work 24/7, and almost half believe they need to work long hours to get ahead.”

If you feel that you must be “always on,” it’s time to re-examine your mindset and boundaries around work. It’s also important to help others understand your schedule.

5. Microaggressions Have a Big Impact

Microaggressions are defined as “the everyday, subtle, intentional — and oftentimes unintentional — interactions or behaviors that communicate some sort of bias toward historically marginalized groups.” Examples of microaggressions that people experience at work include getting interrupted more often than others do or overhearing insults about their culture or people like them.

The report found that all women are more likely to experience microaggressions than men are. But Black women, LGBTQ+ women and women with disabilities experience even more microaggressions than women overall do. Those experiences take a toll. Microaggressions are one way that women experience silencing, which can derail their whole careers.

Investing in Women Pays Off

As the Women in the Workplace 2021 report says, companies “need to create a culture that fully leverages the benefits of diversity—one in which women, and all employees, feel comfortable bringing their unique ideas, perspectives, and experiences to the table. When women are respected and their contributions are valued, they are more likely to be happy in their jobs and to feel connected to their coworkers.”

If your organization is seeking ways to cultivate your women leaders, Newberry Executive Solutions has a full range of products and services that can help, from executive coaching to an award-winning app to books.

How to Stop the Loop of Negative Self-Talk

I’m usually a positive person, but earlier this summer, I noticed that my inner voice (and sometimes my outer one!) was starting to drone on like Charlie Brown’s teacher. 

During my treatment for and recovery from cancer, I was vigilant about maintaining a positive mindset and keeping people with positive energy around me. But as the ongoing challenges of recovery and a global pandemic continued, I found it hard to consistently be positive. My attention shifted more to my fatigue and desire for things to be different.

Photo by Julia Avamotive from Pexels

What I experienced is sometimes called ruminative thinking. The thing about rumination is that the more you do it, the easier it is to keep doing it.

I knew I needed more than resilience tools to snap me out of the cycle. A vacation did the trick. It was my first “real” time off in a year and a half, where I could unplug instead of dealing with medical issues. And it allowed me to break the loop of negative thoughts and feel like myself again. 

After vacation, I had the mental energy to start using the resilience tools that I know work for me. And I discovered that many of my clients couldn’t seem to shut off their negative thoughts. It’s understandable, given that stressful events can lead to rumination. And we’ve certainly had no shortage of stress lately! But when negative thoughts start spiraling, you can break the cycle. Here are a few strategies to try.

Give Your Brain a Break

Shaking things up and taking a break from the grind of daily routines can reboot your brain – especially if you focus on what energizes you.

I did this by using my vacation to reconnect with close friends, get out in nature, and challenge myself — hiking, rafting, ziplining and other outdoorsy adventures. Being in the middle of nowhere and away from my technology helped me unplug. Researchers have found that a 90-minute walk in nature or exercise reduces ruminative thinking. Learning is another research-backed way to short-circuit rumination because it helps you focus your thoughts on the moment. For my son and I, learning to fly fish did the trick.

How can you shake things up and recharge? Even a one-day staycation can be mentally invigorating. Do something to get you out of your daily patterns and reconnect you with your authentic self.

Honor Your Feelings

Until you can make time for a break, you can turn down the volume on your ruminative thoughts.

I work with high performers, who often use logic as a key driver in how they approach the world. Logic is valuable but you can’t rationalize your way out of a loop of negative thinking.

Your logical mind may tell you that it makes more sense to forget about whatever is bothering you and just move on. But your emotional mind won’t let go as easily. Rather than trying to talk yourself out of your feelings, see what happens when you acknowledge what’s happening. By giving yourself permission to feel the way that you do — even if you don’t want to feel those emotions – you will move through your emotions more quickly.

Enlist Some Help

Get an outside perspective to help you stop ruminating. Ask someone whom you trust and who will be honest with you to help you snap out of negative thinking. Give them some guidance about how to help you in advance. For example, tell them that if they notice you complaining about the same things over and over, to remind you of the tools and tactics that help you feel more resilient. Below are some resources you can have on hand for when you need them.

• How to Discover Your Resilience

• Escape These 7 Thinking Traps

• How to Move Forward Amid Uncertainty

• 10 Ways to Use Your Body to Change Your Mind

• How to Overcome Negative Feelings

Remember that the goal isn’t to stop negative self-talk from ever happening. It’s to help you break the cycle more quickly. If you’ve found yourself ruminating lately, what’s the first step you will take this week to make a shift?

One Thing Video Series: Choose Hope and Positivity

In my latest video, you'll learn a quick perspective shift that will help you re-energize. Remember, hope is not a destination. It's a practice we live every day.

How to Move Forward Amid Uncertainty

It all adds up: Election stress, pandemic stress, economic stress. Not to mention the regular stresses of our busy lives.

But no matter where we are emotionally right now, and no matter what lies ahead, we're all working to keep moving forward on the things that are important to us.

Your instinct might be to just keep pushing yourself. But that's not sustainable. Instead, I want to encourage you to take time today to think about where you are and to plot your path forward.

It's easy sometimes to overlook the first part of that process: checking in with yourself. But self-awareness, especially during times of change, is a crucial part of being a leader.

How Are You Right Now?

That's why I want you to pause to consider how you are doing at this moment. Where would you place yourself on a scale of 1 to 10?

A “10” means you consistently feel strong, optimistic or resilient. You developed strategies that have been working well for you this year. A “1” means you may feel depleted, drained or are struggling from week to week. You're at your lowest point of 2020. If neither of those extremes applies to you and how you feel vacillates, you may fall somewhere in the middle.

Remember that this exercise is less about the numerical rating and more about being honest with yourself and noticing what’s going on for you.

Next, think about what has helped you navigate all the uncertainty of 2020 so far. What has kept you going and gotten you through the most difficult times? Here are a few possible answers to help spark your thinking:

• I've felt my best this year when I've protected my time for exercising even when my schedule is hectic.

• I've discovered that writing down my feelings really helps me de-stress.

• Talking with friends, colleagues or mentors who lift my energy has helped me deal with the hardest parts of 2020.

What Do You Really Need?

Finally, pick one of those helpful habits or activities and think about how you can bring it to the forefront. This is important no matter what your emotional state and stress levels are right now. If you're feeling good, understanding why this is so will help you keep building on your momentum. If you're not doing so great, the best way to start turning things around is going back to the tools and strategies that have worked for you before.

Either way, make sure the step you focus on is easy to implement. It should involve an action you can take immediately to give yourself more of what you need. You can even share what you are doing with someone close to you so that they can hold you accountable.

As always, I want to remind you that small steps lead to big results. That's never felt more true. And I'm here to support you as you take those steps. Here are a few more resources that can help:

• Why pausing makes you more productive

• How to use passion to overcome fear

• When you are tired of being strong

• The best leaders ask for help

• All self-paced tools from Newberry Executive Solutions

Are You Waiting for Things to Get 'Back to Normal'?

A lot of high performers have been pushing hard lately, figuring that they'll catch their breath when things get "back to normal."

If that sounds like you, I want you to pause for a moment and reconsider your approach. The seismic changes we are all experiencing continue to unfold. Since "no normal is the new normal," what does that mean for the way you work and live?

This Is a Year Like No Other

When we're so busy with day-to-day tasks, it's easy to forget everything that's changed in just the past 12 or so weeks.

Covid-19, which was declared a pandemic on March 11, may have you worried about your own health or the health of loved ones. You may have also experienced profound changes at work. The economic impact of the pandemic has spurred furloughs and layoffs. With those cuts, people who still have jobs face heavier workloads. Many of us also began working from home — while simultaneously caring for our kids all day as schools closed.

And then, in the midst of the pandemic, George Floyd's death set off protests, civil unrest and a national reckoning with racism. If you are a Black American, you may have felt more anxiety and depression. On the business front, many organizations are making changes to better support diversity. (And some have faced public allegations of racism.)

That's a lot! As people have been pointing out on social media, it's like we're experiencing the 1918 flu epidemic, the Great Depression of the 1930s and the Civil Rights Movement of the 1960s all at once.

Are You Stuck in Crisis Mode?

Understandably, a lot of us have been working in crisis mode — or "just trying to get through."

The problem with that approach is that it’s not sustainable with all that is going on. Some states (including Texas, where I live) have seen a surge in coronavirus cases. We're also seeing a new wave of layoffs. For those still employed, working from home remains widespread, and work-life balance is suffering. And while some districts plan to reopen schools this fall, it's far from certain how that will happen and the changes it will require. At the same time, the protests sparked by George Floyd's death continue, and new incidents (like the police shooting of Rayshard Brooks) further increase tensions.

The bottom line? "Normal" might be a long way off. You might be used to simply powering through short-term crises at work. But that isn't sustainable during this period of ongoing change. As an executive coach, I'm seeing a lot of fatigue among high performers who are relentlessly pushing themselves.

Strategies to Accept and Adapt

If you're feeling exhausted, here are some strategies to avoid burnout:

• Focus on the present. None of us can predict the changes and disruption that are ahead of us.

• Use your body to change your mind. Activities like physical exercise, dancing to music you love, singing, playing with your kids, or doing things that make you laugh can be very effective.

• Be kind to yourself. For example, if you always push for perfection in your work, ease the pressure. Your "good enough" may be more than good enough right now.

• We’ve all had moments of irritation and impatience. It’s totally understandable. Find constructive ways to release the negativity so that you don't unleash it on others. Start by pulling the thoughts and feelings out of your head (uncensored) and onto a piece of paper. You’ll be surprised at how well this works.

• Reflect about what you really need. What have you learned from the past few weeks about your own tendencies in this “new normal”? And what does that mean you should stop, start, or keep doing?

• Give yourself a break. Maybe you have to defer your dream summer vacation but can you find another way to recharge? A day trip or just taking a few days off, even if you just stay at home, might do the trick. If nothing else, deliberately add breaks into your back-to-back work schedule.

You can't control what happens next in this tumultuous year but you can make choices to improve your mindset and reenergize. This week, identify one thing you will do better navigate the new normal. My self-paced tools may help you navigate some of the challenges you are facing.

Download Some Inspiration

May is Asian Pacific Heritage Month. To mark this occasion, my friend Tracey Doi, CFO of Toyota North America, spearheaded a project called "Inspiration for our Next Generation Leaders." She asked me to contribute to this guide which features Asian American executives from a variety of industries and companies, including American Airlines, Bank of America, EY, and Toyota, among others.  Tracey shared the guide at Toyota, but sent it to us share with others who could benefit.

Contributors' Asian roots include Cambodia, China, Hong Kong, India, Japan, Korea, Philippines, and Taiwan. Some of us immigrated to the U.S. when we were very young; others are third, fourth and even seventh generation. But one thing we all have in common is a passion for supporting, inspiring and developing our next generation of Asian American leaders. 

Whether you are early in your career or an executive, I hope you’ll enjoy reading the words of wisdom from some of the people I have gotten to know  including Tracey Doi, Bonnie Clinton, Caren Lock, Thear Suzuki, Cynthia Yung, Radhika Zaveri, Jin-Ya Huang, Carina Reyes and Sakina Foster.

Here's a little preview of my contribution:

As a first-generation immigrant, I remember wrestling with how much I wanted to stand out, to be “me” vs. blend in. In my early years at Deloitte Consulting, I prioritized fitting in because I didn’t want anything to get in the way of my credibility. Although I have had a very successful career, I now know this made me play smaller and lose important parts of myself in the shuffle.

To read my full essay, as well as those of other contributors, you can click on the image below to download "Inspiration for our Next Generation Leaders." And remember to share it with others!

3 Leadership Lessons from the Racetrack

I love fast cars. One of my most memorable moments of last year was racing on the Formula 1 track in Austin. There's nothing like 600 horsepower at 143 mph!

In many ways, driving on that track reminded me of the corporate world: zipping around at a fast pace, wondering whether the risks you take will put you in the lead or make you crash and burn, and navigating challenging twists and turns.

Are you ready to shift into high gear when the pressure is on in 2020? Here are three lessons I took away from my F1 experience.

1. Fill Your Tank

In a Formula 1 race, you can’t run out of gas. You need a game plan for pit stops. Similarly, on the corporate track, you must have enough energy for the long haul. 

Most people get this, but high performers often lose sight of their need to manage their energy — especially when they are going full steam ahead and navigating unexpected changes.

Some just try to push through, so one of the first things to go for them is rest. They convince themselves that they don’t have time for breaks, although research shows that high-quality two-minute breaks throughout the day can significantly boost their energy and productivity. One of the most effective breaks you can take is to simply breathe deeply for 30 seconds. 

Forcing yourself to sit for hours won’t help you get more done either, because your energy hits peaks and valleys in 90-minute cycles. If you keep draining your tank without refilling it, you just won’t make it to the finish line.

2. Lean on Your Crew

F1 drivers depend on a great crew to help them. In the corporate world, this translates to having the right support team — and knowing how to best engage them. No one tells you this point-blank, but after a certain point in your career, relationships matter much more than results — because investing in them is the best way to deliver those results.  

When you're in stressful situations at work, like navigating unexpected twists and turns or moving at a fast pace, take time to help people understand what happens to you. For example, you may take on a more directive, controlling style. However, that behavior may be more about ensuring high quality or helping your team during crunch time and less about mistrust or perfectionism. What do you want people to really know about how your behavior changes when you’re moving fast or dealing with uncertainty or change?

3. Focus on Where You Want to Go

On the racetrack, if you want to win the race, you can’t simply navigate each turn. To maximize the opportunity, you must focus on where you want to go. By doing this, you will position yourself to go much faster coming out of each turn. 

Similarly, at work, don’t let your short-term focus interfere with the bigger picture. Help people understand that you get what matters strategically. Where are you taking them over the long haul? And what’s the unique opportunity that you see in each twist or turn — perhaps a bigger competitive advantage that others haven’t noticed?

We all find ourselves in situations where we have to move quickly, handle unexpected challenges, and maintain enough energy to get to the finish line. Be more intentional about how you take care of yourself, engage with others and focus on the ultimate goal. You’ll be in a much better position to win the race.   

Whatever is ahead for you in 2020, you can find resources to support you on my website. From corporate programs to coaching to books and audio, you'll find tools tailored to your needs.

How to Set Yourself Up for Success

Over the past few weeks, I've shared a series of articles about taking stock of where you are, what you're really about and what you want to create for yourself. We've talked about getting unstuck, defining success on your own terms and using passion to overcome fear.

No matter what you're working toward in your life, there's one more factor that can make a big difference in whether you achieve it: the messages you hear from both yourself and others.

Talk Back to Your 'Gremlins'

Some of the most important words you need to hear will come from you – the everyday messages and stories you tell yourself. When you're making a change in your life, the negative voices in your head can really kick into overdrive. I call them our "gremlins." Your gremlins might be pretty harsh, especially if you typically expect a lot from yourself. Maybe you’re thinking about leaving your company for new opportunities, but your gremlin keeps saying, “You’ll never find a job that is better than this one. You’re crazy to leave this well-paid position and start over somewhere else.”

But it's important to realize our gremlins are notoriously unreliable. Usually they're just our fear of change trying to be heard. And they'll pipe down when you talk back to them. You can do that by reminding yourself of your strengths, your past successes and the positive feedback you consistently receive. Replace your gremlins' doom-and-gloom stories with more empowering ones. This takes practice, but it works.

Build Your Support System

No matter how great a cheerleader you are for yourself, you need support from other people, too. Get the right supporters by your side and let them know how they can best lift you up. Spend time with people who energize you, especially if there are other people in your life who drain your energy. You might even discover that you need to add more passionate, motivated people to your circle and let go of some people who leave you depleted.

And no matter what career stage you are in, seek out mentors who can help you with the goals that are important to you now. To think and play bigger, you need to interact with people who can offer you fresh ideas, experiences and perspectives.

Take a couple of moments now to think about the messages you need to hear from both yourself and others as you work toward your goals. What's one step you can take this week to either give yourself more support or to accept more support from others? As you consider this question, I invite you to explore the tools that Newberry Executive Solutions offers to help you keep building your success.

How to Use Passion to Overcome Fear

In my last couple of articles, I've talked about getting unstuck and living by your definition of success instead of how others define it for you. As you continue down this path, you will start to run into your fears as you put yourself “out there” to: 

• Go down a new path with an uncertain outcome,

• Solicit feedback you may not agree with,

• Try something new,

• Go for what you want in a way you haven't before, or

• Own the role you have played in where you are today

What Can Keep You Going

But fear doesn’t have to stop you in your tracks. From my personal experience and that of my clients, I've seen how passion can help overcome fear. This is not about simply sucking it up and getting through the situation in front of you. Rather, it’s about understanding what’s really important about the specific goal or challenge at hand. 

For example, it could be about doing the right thing, making a meaningful difference, proving to yourself that you can do it, being a role model to others or something else. By clarifying and tapping into the power of your underlying values and passion, you will find strength you didn’t know you had.

This helped me immensely as I launched my own business. In my last article, I told you about deciding to leave my executive role at Deloitte. I certainly faced my share of fear – of leaving a successful career and failing in my next venture. 

And the process definitely had its ups and downs. Just three months after I launched my company in 2008, the Great Recession hit. To work through my anxiety and fear, I frequently reminded myself how important the goals behind my business were to me. I was — and still am — deeply committed to the mission of my company: to help high performers, especially women, get results they couldn’t before. I was equally passionate about designing the kind of life I wanted, in a way that worked for me. I wanted to be a better parent and to have more space for other people and experiences in my life. Connecting to that a holistic view of what truly mattered to me propelled me through all the challenges and uncertainty.

Facing Fear Head-On

This approach can work well in your personal life, too. If you've read this blog for a while, you know that I have a sense of adventure, love being outdoors and love to try new things. But I also have a fear of heights. In the past year, I’ve used my sense of adventure to motivate me to do things that felt pretty scary: a doors-off helicopter ride in Hawaii going over 100 mph, walking on a tightrope 35 feet in the air in Arizona, and going rock climbing for the first time and rappelling off an arch in Moab, Utah. None of these were easy to do. While I did these activities, I had to focus on the unbelievable scenery and mountains – the part of it that I really loved – instead of the pounding in my chest. Each time I put myself in a scary situation, it gets a little easier. And I’ve started to see myself differently, as someone who can conquer fear in any situation.

This week, identify an important goal or challenge in front of you and what it would mean to you if you achieved it. When you focus on the power of your passion, you will start focusing more on what you want instead of your fear. This small but critical shift can motivate you to move forward in the face of fear – to achieve big results.

Whose Definition of Success Are You Living?

In my last article, I talked about how to work through situations that make you feel stuck.

As you break old patterns, you will create more space to think about what you want and to define what success really looks like for you.

Define Success for Yourself

At one time or another, we all feel pressure to fit someone else’s definition of success. Expectations can come at you from different directions and may even contradict each other. For example, your boss might view success as being responsive to what the company needs no matter what time of day or night, while your parents might define it as showing up to every one of your kids’ soccer games. Your mentor might expect you to focus on getting more exposure to key leaders, while your colleagues might expect you to be accessible to help them problem-solve. 

Yes, that's a lot! So, it's no surprise that you might be working toward a definition of success that doesn’t fit what you really want.

I personally experienced that when I decided to end my 14-year career at Deloitte. I held an executive position and had financial freedom — two common measures of success. But I felt out of sync with my true self. At the time, my son was two years old and the intensity of my work made it hard for me to show up in my life in the way that I wanted to.  I knew there had to be a different way to pursue my passion.

Whether or not you already know what's out of sync, the following two steps can help you clarify your definition of success.

First, ask yourself what really matters to you at this stage of your life — personally and professionally.  Priorities can change over time, so I urge you to think about this holistically. Be honest with yourself about what’s important: financial security, advancing your career, developing new skills, building a stronger brand, spending more time with family and friends, having kids, or simply having more of a “life” than you do now.

Second, describe what it would look like in action at work and at home. What kinds of things would you be doing that would indicate that you are focusing on what matters most to you and living the life that you want? What would be happening? Let your mind run with this and see what emerges for you.  

Take That First Step

After you clarify what success means to you, start moving toward that vision.

This can feel overwhelming, so keep in mind that you don’t have to change everything all at once. What would that first step toward your goal look like? For me, it was a one-month sabbatical to clear my head, get away from it all, and reenergize. During that time, I did a mini immersion in the type of work I thought I wanted to do next. 

As your priorities and definition of success evolve throughout your life, you’ll repeat this cycle — feeling out of sync, clarifying what you want instead, and making change. In my own life, I haven't always known what I wanted to do next, but I have always taken action to figure it out. This approach has led me down an unexpected career path where I made big changes every three or four years, quit my job cold turkey three times without looking for another job first, and then ultimately started a business three months before a recession. I know I couldn’t have imagined that career journey or what my life looks like now.

Through all of this, one of the most valuable things I learned was to define success for myself, and to consistently use it as my guide. And then, to just take one small step at a time.  

So, what will your first step be?

Are You Feeling Stuck in a Loop?

I want to thank all of you for your responses to my TWU College of Business Commencement Speech and my recent article "Are You Tired of Being Strong?" Both seem to have really struck a chord with people. I think that's because they speak to a question we all grapple with: Amid our hectic lives, how do we stay grounded in who we really are and what we really want to be and achieve?

Over the next few weeks, I'll take a deeper dive into that theme with some articles that will help you own your full Purpose, Presence and Power. First, let's take a look at what might be holding you back and keeping you stuck. Have you ever wondered why the same types of challenging situations keep popping up in your life? 

You might think to yourself, “Am I a magnet for this? Why does this keep happening to me?” What I’ve come to realize through my own and my clients’ experiences is that there’s a lesson you need to learn when you feel stuck – perhaps a BIG one that you’ll never forget. And then, even when you think you’ve learned it, a situation will arise to help you confirm that you really have learned it.

Today, I want to share three probing questions to give you important insight to move past your frustration. This may be obvious, but don’t attempt to answer these questions when you are annoyed. You won’t get very far! If you’re annoyed all the time, empty your head first: Get a pen and unload all of your negative thoughts — uncensored — onto a piece of paper. Remember to breathe as you do this. This simple exercise will keep your thoughts from swirling around over and over and will begin to create problem-solving capacity. 

Now that you’re ready to reflect, here are a few questions and examples to get you started:

1. What pattern exists in the situation?  

• I am carrying more than my fair share of the workload. 

• Others don’t notice or appreciate everything I do. They just don’t get it. I am not getting the credit, recognition or appreciation that I deserve.

2. What role are you and others playing in the situation? 

• People keep asking me for help, even at the last minute, and I don’t say no. 

• I pick up the slack when I see that a deadline is at risk. 

• I proactively jump in when I see an unfilled need.

3. What’s really going on for you? 

Regardless of others’ motivations, what positive intent or core values are behind your own behavior?

• I value my relationships, so I don’t make waves when I am frustrated. 

• I have high standards and don’t want to fail. I am not the kind of person who misses deadlines or does poor work.

• I want to feel valued and play an important role on the team.  

• I like to help. If I can help, I will.

It may help to handwrite your responses first and then talk though them with someone who knows you well, to see if you gain any other insight about yourself.  Just simply being aware of what’s going on with you is half the battle. By noticing your own patterns, you will start to open the door to making different choices in the moment.  Remember that you can’t control others or outside circumstances, but you can choose your own mindset, attitude, and behavior. 

To help you get started, answer this question: How can you honor what matters to you, in a way that works for you?  For most, this usually means setting some boundaries. You don’t have to lay down the law or completely overhaul your approach, but you can identify a couple of small steps to move you in the right direction. You’ll be glad you did.

TWU College of Business Commencement Speech: 'I’ll See It When I Believe It'

In May, I gave the commencement speech for the College of Business at Texas Woman's University. I'm a big fan of TWU and serve on the inaugural advisory board for its Institute for Women's Leadership, so this opportunity meant a lot to me. My speech contains a timeless message that I hope will give you a little inspiration and remind you of what is possible. (You can also watch the video of the commencement speech.)

I’ll see it when I believe it. 

A couple of years ago, I heard these words in a guided meditation I was listening to. They made me pause – especially since I was going through a really challenging time in my business and my life. I’m really passionate about developing high-performing leaders, especially women, and had come up with an idea for an app that I thought could really make some proven tools available to a much wider audience. For me, this was about impact. As I got further into the development of the app, I realized that my technology partner wasn’t the best fit for me or my clients. I was really frustrated because we were behind schedule, I had invested a lot of time and money, and it was challenging to get things done.

So I started using every strategy I could to manage my stress, including meditation. One morning, during a guided meditation, I heard these words: 

“I’ll see it when I believe it.”

 “I’ll see it when I believe it.”

That wasn’t exactly what I had been telling myself, which was, “I’ll believe it when I see it.” That’s what most of us are used to hearing. In other words, once I see the evidence that it’s true, THEN I’ll believe it.

Unfortunately, that focus on seeing something tangible first puts you in a place of judging and evaluating instead of seeing the possibilities that could be right in front of you.  

I’ll see it when I believe it. 

Where those words took me was to a place of putting aside sunk costs – the time and money that I had already invested– and thinking about what I should do now. It was just what I needed to shift my direction and move forward.

I’ll see it when I believe it shows up in so many ways. 

I didn’t realize how much this was part of my own belief system. It had been engrained in me over the years through my parents. As young children, my parents left everything behind during the partition of India, which displaced over 14 million people along religious lines. When my brother and sister were little, my parent migrated to England to seek better medical care for my sister, who had been born with some severe health issues. My dad, a man with two master’s degrees, worked nights at an ice cream factory to earn money and interviewed for teaching jobs during the day. 

When I was 9, we relocated to the U.S. The racial discrimination we experienced in England was enough for my parents to decide a big change was necessary. They sought a better life for all of us. They didn’t know how it would all turn out, but they truly understood the power of first believing that what you want is possible – that you can do it. My parents had picked up and started over and over and succeeded.

I’ll see it when I believe it.

I remember when I started college, I was so sure I wanted to be a doctor. And then I took chemistry. I’m not sure I have words for how that subject made me feel. Maybe just draining sound effects would be better! Taking that one class and seeing my brother going through medical school made me stop and re-evaluate. How badly did I want this? Was I passionate enough about this to go through years of school and then have piles of debt at the end?  So here I was asking myself, “Now what?” And I remember freaking out a bit because I hadn’t contemplated anything different up until this point. But I believed I could figure it out. 

Looking back, I’ve seen my career unfold in ways I couldn’t have imagined. Although I worked at Deloitte Consulting for 14 years, it wasn’t a straight path. I left after 3 1/2 years, got recruited back, worked in three different consulting groups, and when the choice to become a partner was in front of me, I left consulting altogether to move into Human Resources. And then a few years later, in 2008, as an HR executive, I decided to walk away from it all to start my own leadership development company. Little did I know that in three short months, the economy would take a complete nosedive. Nonetheless, 11 years later, I still love what I do. I get to effect change and help people really believe in themselves. It was all worth it.

I’ll see it when I believe it.

You may think that you should have everything figured out, and that everybody else already has. It can feel like you’re the only one who hasn’t. But I’ll tell you that even the high performing leaders that I coach at Fortune 50 companies don’t have things figured out all the time. 

So, what I want to leave you with today is my perspective on how to cultivate a philosophy of I’ll see it when I believe it in your own life.

In the work I do with women leaders, most of them really want to make a difference. In fact, sometimes that passion motivates them far more than getting a bigger paycheck or title. But when I start to ask them about their strengths and the value they uniquely bring, it’s usually met with exhausted sound effects — like my experience with chemistry. The humility that most of them have been socialized with kicks in.  

But when I explain how noticing your own strengths and how you consistently get results is the first step to helping others develop those same skills, they get a lot more engaged. Many of them think what they’re doing isn’t anything special and that others can just as easily do it. They’re just doing their jobs or doing what’s expected. 

When I hear that, I challenge them to look around them. What does the evidence tell you? How many people can easily do what you do? 

If you keep minimizing what you bring to the table, you’ve missed a huge opportunity to have a bigger impact.

One of my favorite exercises is to have people answer the following question:  

If someone were to describe you to someone else, what are the top three things you would want them to say about you? 

And then dig a little deeper:

What do you say or do that reinforces those three things? 

And what’s the impact of those three things? In other words, why should anyone care? What can you do that others can’t easily do?

Maybe your “can-do” attitude, even in the most challenging situations, inspires others to be part of the solution rather than digging their heels in and saying we can’t do it. Maybe you can sift through a lot of information, connect the dots in ways that others can’t, and distill invaluable insights.

I had a client a few years ago who was at a transition point in her career and was trying to figure out her next step. As we talked, she told me that she had come across her dream job. I was really excited for her and asked her when she was going to apply for it. She hesitated, telling me that they wouldn’t be interested in her for that position. I was really surprised, given what I knew about her. So, I asked her to tell me all the ways that she was uniquely qualified for the position, no matter how big or small the qualification.  She proceeded to rattle off a lengthy list off the top of her head. At the end of it, I asked her to tell me how she felt now. And she said, “Wow, I’m kind of a big deal!” We both laughed. 

Sometimes you have to just stop and notice. I’m sure each of you are a big deal in your own way. 

I’ll see it when I believe it.

You will see amazing things happen – in your own life and in the lives of people and organizations that you touch – when you believe you have unique talents and strengths.

I’ll see it when I believe it. 

These are words to live by and I hope they inspire you to see how much opportunity you have in front of you. Class of 2019, congratulations! I can’t wait to see the impact you’re going to have when you really believe that you can.

Are You Tired of Being Strong?

Over the years, people have consistently told me how strong I am. It’s always left me wondering, “Is that a good thing or a bad thing?”

Well, let’s just say it’s a mixed bag. Being strong and capable has served me well but, at times, has been a huge point of frustration. Today I want to share a little of my personal journey because I know some of you strong, reliable, “never-let-a-ball-drop” women may be going through something similar. 

On the positive side, being strong and capable has helped me work through tough situations, take risks, go for what matters to me and show that I bring something valuable to the table. On the negative side, I regularly feel the weight of life and the fatigue that comes with always being strong and being the person that everyone can count on.  

Wouldn’t it be nice if life were a bit easier?  

Well, I’ve decided that it has to be easier. So I’ve been working to better understand my own role in creating this situation. My biggest epiphany was realizing how much I have been tolerating for years, without anyone really knowing that I have been – including me. It’s amazing the insight you gain when you truly start opening yourself up to the possibility that there’s something you really need to see, learn or do differently to move forward.  

As I began to seek new information, I noticed my recurring fatigue and pain. This led me to ask, “What am I missing? What do I need to learn?” From these questions, I began to see the physical and emotional signs that I had been ignoring for years. Maybe you have some too? Whether you realize it or not, these signs hold invaluable insight. What chronic or recurring aches and pains do you have in your body, whether it’s back pain, headaches or something from an injury? How often do you find yourself surprised by the magnitude of your reaction to certain types of situations? The signs are all around us, but are you noticing or ignoring yours? And what are they telling you?

As I started on this journey, I enrolled in a somatic coaching class. This type of coaching is all about giving you access to your full intelligence — intellectual, emotional and physical. In Western society, we often over-emphasize intellect and ignore the rest. So I want to encourage you to get in tune with your body. It holds more wisdom than you realize. Somatic coaching has been very powerful for me personally and as I help others move past roadblocks with this approach.

For those of you running around out there in back-to-back meetings or activities in the flurry of life, start by just taking five minutes a day to simply pause and notice. How are you feeling emotionally? How does your body feel? Where does it hurt? What does all of this tell you? What do you need right now?

For me, guided meditations have become a good way to reflect. As a very physically active person, taking the traditional approach to meditation by sitting still was really hard. So I had to start by doing it my way – listening while I’m running outside. That approach has worked well, but I have also come to realize the power of just being and breathing. I don’t meditate that way very often but when I do, it’s powerful. Today was one of those days. 

Here are the words that came up for me in the silence. I think they may resonate with you:

Lighten the load.

Let go of the burden.

You are loved and cared for anyway.

Bring playfulness back into your life.

Just play.

Enjoy life.

So, today, I want to challenge all of you women running around out there over-delivering and wondering how you can keep this up, or if you even want to. Yes, I’m talking to those of you who are taking care of everyone else before you take care of yourself or tolerating less than you deserve. Lighten your load. Do something for yourself today. You deserve it. Nothing is going to fall apart. You’ve already made sure of that.

And I’m right here in your corner, cheering you on.

How Are Your Blind Spots Getting in Your Way?

Blind spots. We all have them. But do you really understand how they’re getting in the way of your success?

Imagine racing a high-performance car. You are looking ahead, planning your next move to sustain your performance without compromising your speed. You need to switch lanes and have just a split second to decide which way to go. But you can’t see because your car has a huge blind spot. What do you do? Do you slow down and risk losing the race? Or do you move to the next lane, with unknown consequences to you and others?

Like a race car driver, a high-performing leader moves at a fast clip — zipping from one move to the next, making quick decisions; all the while focused on getting results. If you are like many leaders, you have limited time to reflect. You may not realize that you have blind spots — behaviors that could be hindering your progress and possibly putting others at risk.

So, what can you do? Here are three tips to help you identify and address your blind spots:

1. Ask others for feedback

Identify people with a range of perspectives who will be open and honest about your performance and ask them for feedback. Be sure to ask what you do well, how you may be getting in your own way, and what you should do more or less of to be effective in your role.

As you prepare to request feedback, think about the importance of anonymity and the approach that will yield the most insight. For example, you can use your company’s 360 or upward feedback tool, use a simple online survey tool like SurveyMonkey, sit down and have a direct conversation, or work with an executive coach who can interview others on your behalf and summarize the key themes. Whatever you decide, be sure to choose a method that fosters honest, candid feedback and gives you enough context to interpret the comment.

2. Validate the feedback

Everyone reacts to feedback differently. You may find yourself choosing to deny it or ignore it. However you feel about the feedback, I would urge you to at least validate it. Look for evidence and examples through your own observations, reflection, and conversations with others. Whether you agree with the feedback or not, entertaining the possibility that “it might be true” will open you up to noticing things you might not otherwise see.

3. Take Action

So now that you have gathered and validated the feedback, what should you do? Just remember that feedback has value only if you do something with it. Start by choosing one or two areas that you’d like to focus on first. Be careful not to overload yourself with action items, and remember that your action items don’t have to be huge. Small steps can lead to big results.

Are You Missing the Two Most Important Steps in Giving Feedback?

Do you struggle with giving candid, constructive feedback? Read on if you answered, “Yes.”

If you’re like most managers and leaders, you have the best intentions when you are giving feedback. You want to communicate clearly and constructively without damaging the relationship, ultimately improving performance. As you know, this can be easier said than done.

So, as a feedback provider, what can you do to set up the conversation for success? Well, as I’ve coached people over the years, I have noticed two areas that can make a big difference:

1. Describe what you observed.

When you are giving feedback, be sure to state the behavior you observed in objective terms. In other words, state the facts without interpreting them. This will make the person much more open to what you have to say and more likely to hear your underlying message.

Let’s use Jane as an example. From the past two team meetings you have attended you might think that Jane can’t control her temper when others don’t agree with her point of view. If you share your conclusion with her, it could immediately raise her defenses, resulting in a counterproductive argument.

Instead, focus on the sharing the facts without sharing your interpretation. For example, you could say, “In the past two team meetings, you raised your voice at Jim and Sue when they disagreed with your suggestions.”

2. Communicate the impact of the behavior.

Sometimes you can focus so much on communicating the behavior that you may overlook the importance of explaining its impact. So, challenge yourself to think about any quantitative or qualitative consequences, and come up with at least two or three to share. This will go a long way in reinforcing the importance of the feedback, and will offer clues about what may be required to resolve the situation at hand.

Building on Jane’s situation above, here are some examples: “Jim is embarrassed and does not want to attend future team meetings.” “Sue has concerns about working with you.” “The rest of the team does not want to bring up any ideas that you may disagree with.” “Other leaders have heard about these two meetings, and are questioning your management style.”

Although there are many other important steps involved in preparing to give feedback, I would encourage you to spend more time on these two. It can be the difference between a constructive and counterproductive conversation.

Can You Really Afford Not to Ask for Help?

One of the common themes I find in coaching high-performing women managers and leaders is their reluctance to ask for help. This shows up in their personal and professional lives. As you know, women are socialized to take care of others, so naturally it can be easier to put everyone else’s needs ahead of their own.

In the working world, this can limit a woman’s ability to take her performance and career to the next level. When combined with the added demands of a family, especially a two-career family, it also dramatically increases the risk of burnout. This has huge implications for women, and their employers.

Below are four common traps that women often fall into, and suggestions on how to reframe them so that they don’t get in your way.

1. "I should be able to do this."

This trap is all about having high expectations and standards for yourself, which has pros and cons. On one hand, it can drive you to consistently deliver high-quality work. On the other hand, it may cause you to overlook how you can empower others, develop them to contribute more, and help them feel important. Next time you fall into this trap, ask yourself what you are indirectly communicating to others when you choose to take it all on yourself.

2. "I like things done a certain way, so I'd rather just do it myself."

Is the pursuit of perfection getting in your way, whether it’s about how your spouse loads the dishwasher or how a PowerPoint presentation is formatted? We all have our preferred ways of doing things, but at what cost? In the big picture, how important is it for this task to be done perfectly, and to be done by you? What higher-priority items should you spend your time on instead?

3. "It will take more time to explain this task than it would to do it."

This trap is all about the short-term vs. long-term trade-offs. In other words, it may take more time to delegate and explain this task this time, but the next time you need help it will go much faster. By investing time now, you can set the stage for getting ongoing help with this and other tasks.

4. "Everyone's already so busy. I don't want to overload them."

This is the classic trap of deciding for others before you even give them a chance to weigh in on the decision. Who knows, you may find that others are too busy help. But then again, you might not. People may want to help you because they think what you’re working on is interesting or challenging, or they see it as a chance to demonstrate their capabilities. To them, it may be worth taking on more work to have that opportunity. Trust that they will let you know if they can’t help.

In the long run, taking it all on yourself can limit your success and the success of your team. Just remember that there is an implicit trade-off in the choices you make. Keep these traps in mind so that you make those choices consciously.

What Kind of Leader Are You?

If you’re like most people, you probably haven’t given much, if any, thought to your brand as a leader. When I coach high-performing managers and leaders, leadership brand comes up time and again — because being deliberate about assessing and developing your brand can have a huge impact on your success.

So, if you’re ready to take a look at your brand, here are four steps to get you started:

1. Find out what you are known for today.

Whether you realize it or not, you do have a brand. The question is how well it's serving you. As you define your current brand, limit yourself to three, one-word adjectives. Reflect on performance reviews and common themes you have heard from others in the past, and consider collecting feedback from others. You can conduct an anonymous online survey, ask people yourself, or have someone else (like an executive coach, mentor, or supervisor) gather feedback for you. Whatever you do, choose an approach that will give you candid information. Remember to ask people to give you specific examples. What do you say or do that demonstrates your brand? You have to understand what it looks and sounds like.

2. Determine what you want to be known for.

Your desired brand must be authentic (i.e., true to you); this is not about misleading anyone. Again, limit yourself to three one-word adjectives. I once coached a female executive (let’s call her Michelle) about her desired brand.

She wants others to view her as:

Credible – Michelle wants others to recognize her specialized industry expertise because it is important for the role and business she is in.

Confident – Michelle wants to have a physical presence that conveys that she is a strong player.

Respectful – When she disagrees with a point of view, Michelle wants to do it in a manner that still encourages ideas and input from others.

3. Define how to reinforce your desired brand.

Again, it’s important to determine what you would say or do to reinforce your brand. In Michelle’s example, demonstrating credibility might involve proactively sharing specific industry information with the leadership team in the context of a top priority or project. Confidence might entail speaking louder, making direct eye contact when addressing a group, standing or sitting taller, or speaking up at least once in every leadership meeting.

4. Take action to close the gap.

Identify one or two actions you will take to close the gap between your current and your desired brand. This may mean that you have to stop or start doing something. Using Michelle’s example of being respectful, she has to stop interrupting others when they speak and resist that urge to jump right in.

Just remember that your leadership brand is important context for how you show up as a leader — in your everyday words and actions. By proactively defining and managing your brand, you will get better results. So, what are you waiting for?

How to Keep Your Good Idea from Being Shot Down

Have you ever found yourself frustrated because you have a good idea that doesn’t go anywhere? No matter how big or small the idea, we’ve all faced this at some point. After reading John Kotter’s book Buy In — Saving Your Good Idea from Getting Shot Down, I thought it would help to share some of his strategies to “save” good ideas.

Take stock.

Start with being crystal clear about your idea. Can you explain your idea in a short elevator ride? If not, you need to distill it down to the essential elements and keep it simple. Don’t let yourself get bogged down in giving so much context or justification for your idea that you lose your audience in the details. Think about the basics of what they need to know.

Next, think about who might support the idea, and which likely supporters you should talk to about the idea before sharing it more broadly. During my years at Deloitte Consulting, this strategy was invaluable for getting buy-in and for identifying potential attacks, and from whom they might come. Remember to think about how you can engage your supporters to respond to naysayers, and ask them about when and how you should communicate to key stakeholders. If you do it right, the decision-making meeting should be a non-event — because you had all the right meetings before the meeting.

Finally, role-play the meeting or conversation in advance, anticipating and responding to attacks or objections. Sometimes it can really help to have someone brainstorm with you.

Anticipate the four basic attack strategies.

Although the book lists 28 attack strategies, at the core they are all about the following four basic attack strategies:

1. Fear mongering – This strategy aims at raising anxieties of the group to prevent a thoughtful examination of the idea. It gets people responding irrationally and emotionally.

2. Death by delay – You may have experienced this frustrating strategy first hand. This is where so many meetings or steps are proposed that you completely miss the window of opportunity for the idea.

3. Confusion – This tactic muddies the water with irrelevant facts, convoluted logic, or so many alternatives that a productive dialogue gets stalled.

4. Ridicule and character assassination – This is what I call playing dirty, whether it’s through verbal or nonverbal communication. The attacker may raise questions about your competence or preparation, redirecting the conversation away from the idea itself.

Develop your responses in advance.

So, what should you do to respond to these attack strategies? In a nutshell, Kotter recommends doing the unexpected, taking the high road, and staying focused. Here are the four elements he suggests you integrate into your response.

1. Let attackers into the discussion and let them go after you. Kotter suggests doing this because it gets people’s attention. Without their attention, you won’t have a chance to explain the issue or your proposed solution.

2. Keep your responses clear, simple, crisp, and full of common sense. Don’t get mired in explaining all the logic and facts, which can make any audience glaze over.

3. Show respect constantly. Don’t fight or collapse or become defensive. By treating others with respect, you draw an audience emotionally to your side, where they are more likely to listen carefully and sympathetically.

4. Focus on the whole audience. Don’t be distracted by the detractors.

Remember that it’s about winning the hearts and minds of the majority, not the minority.

At the end of the day, it’s all about preparation. You can use these concepts to prepare before you pitch any idea – no matter how big or small because the basic approach is sound. Just don’t try to wing it, even if your idea seems bulletproof or you expect a friendly audience. A few minutes of preparation can go a long way.