4 Key Questions to Answer a Year End

As you're wrapping up work for this year, your thoughts may start shifting to the new year and what you hope to accomplish in the year ahead.

But before this year is a distant memory, carve out as little as 10 minutes for some self-reflection. This will help you begin the new year with more clarity and purpose. Here are a few questions to guide you.

1. What was the biggest lesson you learned in the past year?

2. What did you learn about your leadership this year, whether it was through your own action or that of other leaders?

3. What do you want to take forward into next year?

4. What do you want to leave behind?

This week, take a few minutes to jot down your own answers so that you can go into the new year with more purpose and clarity. I also invite you to explore our products and services that can help you meet any goals you set for the new year. From books to audio training to executive coaching, you’ll find powerful ways to invest in your own success.

How I Navigated One of My Toughest Years

This year has been one of the most challenging years I have had in a really long time. It’s been filled with unbelievable highs, and some really low lows.   It has tested and stretched me in ways I hadn’t expected, but in the end has made me a stronger person. And, miraculously, this will be the most successful year for my business.

I didn’t fully recognize the strategies I had deliberately used, until I was recently preparing for a speech about Handling Curveballs. It forced me to reflect about how I stayed on track and kept putting one foot in front of the other despite my challenges.  Here are the five strategies that rose to the top of my list:

1. Revamping my inner circle That core group of people that I surround myself with and rely on is my inner circle. Over the years, I have learned to carefully select who I allow in it, and proactively adapt it over time, because it impacts my energy so much. We all have days when we know we need to distance ourselves from draining people and situations, and “fill the tank” with people who infuse more positive energy into our lives. Take a close look at your inner circle to ensure it includes people with a good balance of give and take and the right type of energy.

1. Staying in the here and now When anxiety kicks in, it’s easy to overwhelm and overload yourself with thoughts about what might happen. You may find yourself shifting out of the present moment to memories of the past when something left you scarred, or thoughts about the future which feels uncertain and unpredictable. I have become the queen of telling myself, “All you have to do is choose your next one or two steps. And then choose the next one or two. You don’t have to solve everything right now.”

1. Managing my pace Whether it’s about getting enough sleep or exercise, my physical health dramatically affects my ability to keep things in perspective and manage my stress. My typical go-to is being active outside – running or heading to the mountains and hiking (even when it’s a really bad time to be away from work). As long as I’m injury-free, that works. But some recurring ankle injuries this year forced me to find other ways to deal with life’s stressors. I have integrated daily guided meditations into my mornings and continue to be more disciplined about getting to bed earlier. By proactively slowing down my pace, I notice more of what’s going on for me and others, which has boosted my productivity and business success.

1. Asking for help Raised as an independent and self-sufficient woman, I don’t ask for help as often as I should. But when I remember that asking for help also provides others an opportunity to give and ultimately deepens my relationships, I can do it more easily. I know I’m still a work in progress and it is getting easier with practice. If it’s hard for you too, just try it on a smaller scale and notice how it impacts you and others.

1. Serving others No matter how busy my life gets, I make time to give back. I serve on nonprofit boards and committees at the United Way of Metropolitan Dallas, Dallas Women’s Foundation, Dallas Children’s Theater and Akola. It forces me to get out of my own world and into others. This year, I took a trip to Uganda with Akola. The women’s stories of hardship and resilience affected me so deeply. They have overcome challenges far beyond anything I will ever face, and are now paying it forward. So, my nonprofit work keeps my perspective in check, fills my heart with gratitude, and inspires me to do more. Whether you volunteer or not, make sure you have something in your life that gives you fulfillment.

Before you dash off to your busy day, I want to challenge you to choose one strategy to implement this week, whether it’s one from the list above or something else that helps you navigate through tough times.  And, as always, remember that small steps lead to big results.

How Open Are You Really?

Great leaders bring out the best in their team members. They create an environment in which employees feel inspired and empowered to go above and beyond their defined roles. Their passion, energy, and ideas are flowing.

Most of us aspire to this kind of leadership. After all, it's a lot more rewarding to unleash other people's potential than to simply direct what they do. But beware of a few stumbling blocks that may either keep you from being open to others' ideas or cause people to see you as unreceptive:

Block 1: You Never Stop Talking

Just. Stop. If you always talk far more than you listen, others may think that you just want an audience; that you're not interested in them or their ideas.

Block 2: You're Not Actively Listening

But there's a lot more to listening than simply not talking when someone else is. There’s a big difference between waiting to speak and being fully present to take in what the other person has to say. Be curious. Ask more questions to ensure you really understand the other person’s underlying intent and key messages.

Block 3: You Don't Explain What You're Thinking

As a high performer, you're adept at processing information quickly. When someone presents an idea during a meeting, you've probably evaluated its viability before they've even finished speaking. You may know right away that the idea won't work, or that it needs to go back to the drawing board. But others may not understand the reasons behind your decision unless you spell them out. Remember to "connect the dots" so that it's clear you are giving thought to ideas and not merely dismissing them.

Block 4: Your Follow-Up Falls Short

How do you follow up when someone shares an idea with you? Does your follow-up look different if you think the idea is good or bad? If you don’t like their idea, don’t just hope they never bring it up again. Help the person understand how it does or doesn’t fit in with the criteria for a feasible solution, and use it as a learning opportunity.

Block 5: You Micromanage

You might tell your team that you're open to their ideas, but if you return every proposal marked up with your "red pen," they will take away a very different message. This kind of micromanagement doesn’t really leverage the value you bring, and it definitely doesn't help develop your team members.

This week, notice how open you are to others — and how your actions affect their perception of your openness. Then pick one of these strategies to implement. For more on bringing out the best in others, check out my guide Building a Stronger Team. It's part of the Leadership EDGE SeriesSM.

Don’t Let Results Compete with Relationships

I recently worked with a smart, hard-working client who made a career mistake I see far too many other high performers make.  

New to his company, he was responsible for making major changes to improve financial performance, strengthen the team, and increase market share. Given the challenges in front of him, in his first few months he kept his head down driving for results. In fact, he focused so intently on his goals that he prioritized them over investing in building relationships with key stakeholders.

With their limited exposure to him, corporate leaders began to worry because they weren't seeing results, didn’t know why, and didn’t fully understand his game plan to achieve them. And why wouldn't they worry?  A lot was at stake, and they needed reassurance.

From his vantage point, he was appropriately focusing on critical business issues and thought others were communicating well enough on his behalf. Ironically, he was so results-oriented that he underestimated the importance of him personally cultivating and leveraging the very relationships that could ultimately accelerate his results.

Relationships Aren’t Nice to Have. Building Them Is a Big Part of Your Job.

So many people believe that their performance will be just as high, even when they only invest in relationship-building and networking sporadically. They may think, “Surely everyone can see how hard I’m working,” not realizing that people may be too busy to notice. Remember that the quality of your work is no guarantee that you'll get the credit you deserve, especially when others don’t know your role in achieving the results.

On the other hand, high performers know that a consistent investment in relationships will yield big dividends—stronger allies, influence, and support to get critical business results. They don’t choose between results and relationships, or make them compete against each other. They understand that the two are inextricably linked and an investment in both is necessary.

Hard work and passion can propel your career, but when coupled with an investment in key relationships, it will take you much further. So, what can you do? Here are a few ideas to build relationships and get results. Choose one of the strategies to focus on this week.

• Make a list of key stakeholders. How are your relationships with them? My article "Strengthen Your Leadership by Building Relationships" shows you how to turn key people into advocates for you.

• Prioritize communication with your bosses, even when things aren't going well.

• Get to know your peers and look for ways you can be a resource for them. They can be valuable supporters in your corner when you seek a promotion.

• Give your boss and others "strategic snapshots" of your performance. You may dislike "bragging," but sharing your results in a business-relevant way can help others.

• Constantly hone your relationship-building skills. My book Show Up. Step Up. Step Out. can help you navigate the full spectrum of work relationships. You can read the first five chapters for free now.

No One Wins in the Blame Game

As an executive coach, I usually work with individuals. But I also coach colleagues who work together on the same team. This provides a fascinating window into team dynamics.  

In your own career, you've probably seen — or even been part of — teams with a combustible combination of personalities. For some reason, they just can't seem to work together, and they butt heads at every turn.

From coaching teams like this, I've noticed one thing they all have in common. Team members excel at pointing out how others create the destructive dynamic, but have difficulty noticing their own contributions to the situation. But playing the blame game never turns teams around. In fact, it rapidly erodes trust.

If you're on a dysfunctional team, start by looking at how you are contributing to the dynamics. Take a look at some common individual behaviors that can derail a team:

• Jumping to conclusions. You assume the worst about others and don't give them the benefit of the doubt. If another team member is trying to change his own behaviors for the better, this may cause you to overlook his efforts.

• Withholding. Instead of communicating directly about disagreements and resolving them, you silently seethe until you can’t take it anymore. It's almost inevitable you'll blow up— but no one will understand why.

• Being too hands-off. Team leaders may fall into this trap more often than others. You think your direct reports can resolve the conflict themselves — even though there's plenty of evidence to the contrary. You don't use the power of your position or your influence to send a strong message that you expect them to work out their issues.

• Badmouthing. When you gossip about or criticize your colleagues behind the scenes instead of working directly with them, you amplify tensions and model bad behavior for others.

• Getting stuck in your emotions. You draw conclusions based solely on your feelings, failing to seek out or consider the facts or other perspectives that contradict them.

• Not managing your own stress. When you're perpetually grumpy, tired, or stressed out, you're more prone to getting triggered by others. (Sound familiar? Read my blog article "5 Sure-Fire Ways to Get Centered Fast" for some tips that can help.)

If you're part of a contentious team, keep this article in mind as you interact with your colleagues. Identify one behavior to watch out for, identify the impact it has on others, and decide how you will engage instead. For additional ideas and strategies, check out "Building a Strong Team," part of my Leadership EDGE SeriesSM.

Trust, Possibility and Letting Things Unfold

After I left Uganda, I traveled to Kenya for my first safari. On the first day, our guide asked which animals we hoped to see.  In my excitement, I rattled off a few animals not knowing the likelihood of seeing any of them. I was in the moment, simply thrilled to experience whatever unfolded – no expectations; just gratitude for anything that might happen.

As I mentioned an animal that I would like to see, within a matter of minutes we would see that animal. This continued, one after the other, in the order I mentioned for our entire first day. We witnessed the Great Wildebeest Migration, even thought it wasn’t expected to happen for another three weeks.  Although many people don’t get to see even one river crossing of the wildebeest, we actually witnessed four.  By the end of the first day, I was in disbelief that I had already seen every animal I wanted to.

Later on the trip, driving in the middle of the Northern Mara, a hailstorm came out of nowhere. We were told that they hadn’t experienced anything like this in this area for years. As we scrambled to quickly cover the top of the Range Rover and waited for the storm to subside, I said, "Wouldn't it be cool if we saw a rainbow after this?" A few minutes later, when the hail and rain had stopped, we got out of the Range Rover. I turned to look behind us, and to my surprise, there was a huge rainbow over the terrain. Having lived in cities all my life, I have never seen an entire rainbow, let alone one forming a double rainbow on one end – in Africa, of all places!

Like my crazy travel day earlier this year, this safari made me pause and reflect in a way I haven’t done in years. I kept asking myself, “What should I take away from this experience?”  I couldn’t simply say that what happened on this trip was a set of coincidences – there were just way too many of them.

What continues to resonate with me now, and speaks to what many of us may be experiencing in our lives, is the power of possibility— of saying "Wouldn't it be cool if …?" Sometimes we close ourselves off and take options off the table before giving them a chance.

If you’re a go-getter like me and most of my clients, you might find yourself often trying to control things too much (that's especially true now, as uncertainty seems all around us.) We can get caught up in our own expectations and driving to a specific outcome, especially when we feel like a lot is at stake. When we do, we put out a very different type of energy. Instead of having a sense of openness and possibility, we feel uptight and full of angst. And when we show up like this, we tend to get in our own way.

I’ve personally experienced the difference. A large project that I’ve been immersed in over the past year has tested me in ways I never expected. It has taught me that I have to let go of things beyond my control, be clear about the outcome that I want, and trust more that whatever happens next is what should. My Kenyan safari showed me this time and again, and made it real at a level I never expected.

My next step is to start applying this insight to other parts of my life. As I experiment, I want to challenge you to do the same:

• Get clear about something that you want or something that's important to you.

• Be open to it actually happening — even if you can't imagine how it could possibly could.

• Simply allow things to unfold without demands or expectations.

• Be grateful for whatever happens next.

Remember that small steps lead to big results. And even one small step toward being open to the power of possibility can have a big impact.

Hurricane Harvey and the Power of One

The past week and a half has touched me deeply, as I sat here in Dallas in the safety of my own home while many of my Houston clients and close friends dealt with Hurricane Harvey.  

The whole experience took me down a path of reflection that I hadn’t expected.  Many of you know that I lived in Houston for 17 years. I was working at Deloitte in Houston when Hurricane Katrina hit, and I jumped in to help lead the “war room” to coordinate our efforts to move many of our employees from Louisiana to Dallas. During Tropical Storm Allison, I remember watching the rain pouring down for hours and the water rising around us. At some point I fell asleep and woke up to loud banging on the front door. As I jumped out of bed startled, I landed in three feet of nasty brown water. I waded across my bedroom to find my good friend and neighbor checking to make sure we were okay.  I’ll never forget the view of Hwy 59 the next morning, which looked like a river flowing through the middle of the city.

In 2008, during Hurricane Ike, we evacuated because my son was only two. I remember being glued to the TV wondering what would happen. Our house was one of the lucky few in our area that never lost power, didn’t flood, and had very little damage. It became a home for friends who didn’t fare as well. The Houston we came back to looked drastically different than the one we left.

This time, before Hurricane Harvey made landfall, I invited several friends to evacuate to Dallas but they all chose to stay put. One night, I spent hours reaching out to over 60 people individually to make sure they were ok.  Several of them were sitting in closets with their children listening to tornado sirens going off again and again, praying that everything would be ok (especially since water was going to be released from reservoirs as well).  I felt useless from this far away.

In the midst of it all, I was again reminded of the Power of One – the power that each of us has to make a difference in the lives of others.

During this tragedy, I am inspired by what I see—differences disappearing and people simply treating people as people.   People are coming together to offer emotional or financial support, or lend a hand in picking up the pieces. Houstonians have a can-do attitude and resilience like I have never experienced anywhere else. But this time, as I sit in Dallas, I am equally touched by the outpouring of support and kindness I see here.

Just remember that you can tap into your Power of One each and every day, in big or small ways. But if there were ever a time to use it, it is now. Twenty-seven trillion gallons later, the road ahead for many Houstonians is a long one.

The Power of One

Have you ever felt like you were in the right place at the right time?  

It has only happened a handful of times for me, and it did again when I decided to go to Eastern Africa just four short weeks before my departure date. Although it was peak tourist season, everything fell into place at the last minute. I had no idea what was in store for me and how it would change my life. And a few weeks later, I am still processing it all.

After 30 hours of travel, I found myself in Uganda with five fellow advisors and sponsors of Akola, a nonprofit that empowers, educates and elevates disadvantaged women.  As a member of the advisory board, I wanted to get more involved, and this was the perfect chance to see things firsthand. I met Brittany Merrill Underwood, who started this organization in Uganda at the young age of 19, through my work with the George W. Bush Presidential Center. Little did I know that meeting would ultimately lead me to Africa – and also allow me to play a role in Akola’s U.S. expansion.

Although I had seen the itinerary, I really didn’t know what to expect on this trip.

As we sat on the concrete floor of a modest 150-square-foot home of an Akola woman, she shared her story – one that began with extreme poverty and worry about basic needs like food and shelter. She talked in disbelief about how Akola had transformed her life. This woman, who by American standards would not be considered anywhere near wealthy, sounded like she had won the lottery. And she was ready to share what she had learned with others. She beamed as she told us that owning her own home, let alone being able to help others create a better life for themselves, was something she had never dreamed possible.

That home visit in a rural Uganda was such a moving experience. I have always believed in the Power of One: the power that one person has to make a difference. And in that moment, my belief was stronger than ever.

This experience reminded me how much each of us has to give – whether it’s on a small or large scale. A little bit of hope and reassurance goes such a long way.

The trip left me feeling compelled to use my years of business and leadership development experience to really help people like the women of Akola go beyond survival to truly thriving. And it reinvigorated my commitment to helping people see the value they have to offer, and how they can create a larger ripple effect.

Where these women were in their lives before Akola and what they have achieved is truly incredible. Sixty percent of them have gone from not having enough food to feed their children and other family members to earning a living wage, building their self-confidence and saving enough to start their own businesses. Akola has gone beyond giving these women hope, to instilling a strong belief in themselves and developing leadership skills.

I saw so many parallels with what motivates, inspires and gets results in the corporate world – painting a vision of the future, setting concrete goals, aligning rewards to incentivize the right behavior, using peers to drive accountability and investing in personal growth and development.

So, here I am back in the United States, wondering where this experience will ultimately take me. One of my first steps is to share some of it with you, to prompt you to think about the Power of One – the power each of us has to truly make a difference. What will you do this week to put it into play?

What Makes a Leader Genuinely Powerful?

This is the third and final part of a series on Purpose, Presence and Power: the three areas that consistently get results time and again for my executive coaching clients.

Previously, we talked about leading with Purpose and building authentic Presence. Today, I'll tell you about how successful leaders develop and leverage Power. This is a vital topic, since leadership is all about getting things done with and through others. Here are three proven strategies that my clients use time and again:

1. Invest as little as 15 minutes per week to build stronger relationships. Most of us have so much going on that we put networking on the back burner. Although it may feel optional, leaders should consistently dedicate time to deepen key relationships. The payoff is huge for your career and your ability to get better business results. As you build your network, use your desired outcomes and goals to guide you. But also remember to maintain the balance between giving value and asking for support. This will help you cultivate deeper, authentic relationships. If you focus on maximizing the opportunities in front of you (meetings, calls, or events you are already attending), or setting up meetings for as short as 15 minutes, you can typically accelerate the process.People respond to authenticity and passion, so be purposeful about how you want to show up and what you want others to know about you.

2. Pay attention to the informal power at your company. Power doesn’t just come from a job title, although those big titles do help. Often, "informal" leaders – those who have power because of their experience, credibility, and network – shape what really happens in the workplace. Stop and reflect about who is connected to whom, and how those relationships impact each individual’s level of influence and how decisions get made. It will give you better insight into how to navigate the political landscape and how to get your projects over the goal line. And don’t forget the importance of mentors and sponsors to guide you and advocate for you along the way.

3. Lift other people up. Last but not least, remember that building power and influence requires looking at all levels of the organization (not just looking upward). One of the most impactful ways to build loyalty and engagement is by investing in others. There are many simple strategies to do this – offer support, provide perspective, or teach something you know how to do well. And don’t forget that this goes way beyond your team to include your peers, an often overlooked but critical group that can make or break your career path.

Taking even a few minutes each week to notice what’s happening around you and authentically building relationships can make a big difference in how much Power you have. This week, think about how you are doing in the three key dimensions of Power and choose one to focus on.

How the Most Successful Leaders Build Their Presence

This is the second part of a series on Purpose, Presence and Power: three key areas that get results — like raises and promotions — again and again for my executive coaching clients. Last time, we talked about leading with Purpose. Today, I'll share three strategies that successful leaders use to build a confident, authentic Presence that makes them more effective:

1. Tastefully toot your own horn in a way that's relevant and fits who you are. Many people hesitate when it comes to self-promotion because they view it as self-centered. When done correctly, it can have a big impact. Your boss is responsible for leveraging your talent for the company and helping you develop. To do those things, she needs to hear about your strengths, talents and successes. They key is to focus on information that's relevant and useful to others as you self-promote. For tips, check out my videos on tasteful self-promotion.

   1. Proactively manage your energy to stay productive and avoid burnout.Being reactive and stressed out (or, on the other hand, disengaged and unenthusiastic) doesn't do much for your effectiveness or executive presence (two big reasons why leaders have to be vigilant about managing their energy). When things are crazy-busy, you might be tempted to just power through, but it typically has the opposite effect, diminishing your productivity and how others perceive you. Be more intentional about infusing energy into each day. This could be as simple as taking more breaks during the day, going to sleep even 15 minutes earlier if you are sleep-deprived, or taking a quick walk after a draining meeting or conversation. Focus on the quality of the activity, not the quantity of time you spend on it.

   2. Consistently connect your ideas to the bigger picture.Remember that others will draw conclusions about what you say and do using their own filters – and they may take away something different than you intend. Even if something seems obvious to you, take a moment to explain the connection between your words or actions and how they advance business goals.

Proactively focusing on your Presence will help you build more credibility and ultimately help you achieve better results. This week, choose one of the three key facets of presence to focus on. And be sure to stay tuned to for the third part of this series, where we'll talk about Power.

How to Lead With Purpose and Have More Impact

As a leader, you're always striving to grow and improve. But there's a lot of leadership advice out there — how do you sort through it all? As an executive coach working with major companies, I've found that focusing on three areas — Purpose, Presence and Power — gets results time and again for my clients. Today, I'm kicking off a series of articles to help you put them into play more powerfully in your own life.

So let's start by talking about Purpose. I define Purpose as working strategically on the areas that drive results leveraging the unique ways that you add value as a leader.

Purposeful leaders consistently do three things:

1. They focus on the right work. Spend your time on your "Big 3": the top three areas where you can have the biggest impact on the business. Make sure you and your manager are on the same page about these areas. Once you've ensured alignment about your Big 3, take a look at how you currently spend your time. How well does your schedule sync up with your priorities? Look for ways to redirect your time from less-critical work to your Big 3.

2. They articulate what defines their leadership. Too often, high performers set the bar so high for themselves that they don't really notice how much they have to offer. Take a minute to identify your top three strengths, and the “so what?” of each. In other words, what does each strength allow you to do that other people cannot easily do? How does it really make a difference? For example, if you listed "approachability" as a strength, the "so what?" could be that you can get to the heart of issues and resolve them faster because people feel comfortable telling you what’s really going on.

3. They track their accomplishments weekly so they can share them with others. Another common trait of high performers is that they often rush from one project into another without taking the time to notice their successes and what led to them. If this sounds like you, taking even five minutes to identify your personal best practices after completing a project will allow you to more intentionally use those practices going forward. And by sharing your accomplishments and practices with others, others can learn from you and will know more about how and when to engage you.

When you lead with Purpose, you maximize the impact of your unique talents and skills. This week, choose one of the three areas above to focus on. And be sure to stay tuned to for the second part of this series, where we'll talk about Presence.

The Power of Saying, “It Is What It Is”

Have you ever had a day that made you wonder " Hmm, what the heck is going on?!"

I experienced one recently. It all started when my flight got canceled. Then my new flight had mechanical issues, and bad storms were brewing between Houston and Dallas.

A few hours later, when I finally got back to Dallas, I discovered that the airport valet had lost my car key. The staff were frantically running around trying to find it. When they finally did, somehow my black convertible had turned into a red Infiniti. When they really found my car, they said it had died in the valet lane midday and still wouldn't start.

So, I pulled the jumper cables out of my trunk, and fortunately the car started after a little boost. I drove to my dealership a few blocks away, knowing it was closed. What did I have to lose by driving over? A security guard happened to be walking outside, took pity on me and let me park inside — after I reminded her that hail and tornadoes were coming. I called an Uber and quickly crammed my bag with things from my car, including a water bottle. When we arrived at my house, I picked up my bag to get my wallet. Water was seeping out of the bottom — it had spilled all over my laptop and papers during my Uber ride home. Minutes later, my whole bathroom had sheets of wet paper laid out to dry. To top it all off? A couple of days later, I lost my driver's license.

As all of this weirdness was unfolding, I just kept thinking, "What should I be taking from this?" That one little question made a huge difference for me in the moment. It reminded me that this series of events was out of my control but that I could still choose how I responded. By repeating “It is what it is” and asking “What should I be taking from this?,” I stayed calm and curious about what was happening. As I've written before, true resilience means paying attention to your thoughts and feelings and realizing that you can make a different choice.

Meanwhile, my laptop is perfectly fine, my car is fixed after three more trips to the dealership and I made some new friends in line at DPS when I went to get a new driver's license. But the biggest surprise? My doorbell rang a few days later, and someone had found my original license (I had dropped it while I was out on a run) and stopped by to return it. What a great act of kindness.

To prepare for the next time your day throws you for a loop, remember that it is what it is. The question is, “What do you want to do about it?” This week, notice what you’re thinking and feeling and make a deliberate choice about how you want to show up — a choice that reflects the person you want to be.

5 Sure-Fire Ways to Get Centered Fast

Sometimes it feels hard just to find some solid ground beneath our feet. At work, many of us are dealing with restructuring, reorganizing and the mandate to do more with less. Outside work, the world as a whole feels unsettled, too. Every day seems to bring headlines about some new upheaval.

Through it all, we have to keep on making decisions and handling our responsibilities. At times like this, it can be easy let the practices that keep you centered slip to the back burner. So it's a good idea to take a few minutes to remind yourself what keeps you going and think about how to make room for it in your life.

These are the five tried-and-true tactics that work for me no matter how hectic life gets. What practices and habits would you put on your own list?

1. Get enough sleep. You won't be surprised to find out that work and family demands cut into our sleep time. But the irony is that you'll be more effective in both your career and your personal life if you get adequate rest, which means breaks throughout the day and quality sleep.

2. Monitor your energy. Life will be easier if you can shape your schedule to accommodate your ebbs and flows of energy. Learn more about how to do this in my article "What Is Your Unique Energy Pattern?"

3. Exercise. Squeezing a workout into your busy schedule isn't easy, but it's worth it. And remember that every little bit of movement counts, so just get started. Even as little as exercising for 10-15 minutes will motivate you to do more.

4. Breathe. You don't have to meditate in silence for an hour to enjoy the benefits of mindfulness. A little diaphragmatic breathing can help you get back to the present moment when you feel anxious: Inhale to a count of 3, exhale to a count of 6. You should feel your belly rising when you breathe, not your chest.

5. Surround yourself with the right people. The company you keep can either give you a boost or drain your energy. My article "The Secret to More Energy Isn't What You Think" will teach you how to do an energy audit of the people in your life. The goal is to minimize the effects of the people who drag you down and free up time to spend with people who fire you up.

This week, pick a strategy to focus on from this list or from your own personal list of best practices for getting centered. For more on staying at your best, check out my book Show Up. Step Up. Step Out. Leadership Through a New Lens. You can download five free chapters on my website.

I'll See It When I Believe It

When we are confronted with one roadblock or challenge after another, many of us say to ourselves, "I'll believe it when I see it" when we know how hard an outcome may be to accomplish (and the finish line keeps moving). As I have become immersed in the land of software development, I've told myself this far more in the past year than I have in my entire life.

As I sat on a flight recently, I was listening to a Deepak Chopra meditation. On it he asked what if you said, "I'll see it when I believe it" instead? As much as I am a take-the-bull-by-the-horns person, in that moment I realized how much I was tolerating — and that my defeatist attitude was sucking the life out of me. How did I get here?!

But my realization wasn't enough for me to take action right away. I had to recharge. I was drained. For the past 12 years, I have been disciplined about not working on weekends so I knew I needed more than that to re-energize. So, I went to the mountains to surround myself with beauty, hike for miles and spend quality time with people I care about.

I made a commitment to be fully present and leave everything else behind. And I decided to start being more of "me" again (someone who typically sets a goal and constantly asks "What would it take to make this happen?").

It's been quite a journey. And I'm excited to say it's turned out really well. I have put strategies that have worked well for me in the past back into practice, I am hyper-aware of how to keep my mindset positive, and I feel empowered again.

So, today I want to challenge you to find one thing you've been tolerating (something that is making you skeptical or negative) and to consider saying, "I'll see it when I believe it (the outcome that I want)." I'm pretty sure that it will lead you down a different path and that you might be surprised at what happens.

The Big Impact of the 'Second Shift'

With Mother's Day coming up, I wanted to call your attention to some research about the challenges that women and families as a whole face.  

I was struck by an article that my sister shared with me recently: "Study reveals that women are literally working themselves to death." The article discusses research showing that long work hours increase the risk of heart disease, cancers other than skin cancer, arthritis and diabetes. But here's the really shocking thing: "For women ... the side effects of working long hours were much more dire. For example, working 60 or more hours per week tripled the risk of diabetes, cancer, heart trouble and arthritis in women."

Researchers theorize that this is because women work a longer "second shift" tending to home and family responsibilities than men do.

Consider these findings from Pew Research Center:

• 56 percent of dads say chores are split evenly between parents, but half of moms say they do more around the house.

• Moms spend twice as much time on childcare as dads do.

• Mothers are more likely to interrupt their careers to attend to family needs than fathers are. Thirty-nine percent of mothers said they had taken significant time away from work to care for a family member.

• Women are twice as likely as men to say that responsibility for caring for a seriously ill family member falls primarily on women.

• 40 percent of working moms say they always feel rushed.

• 56 percent of working mothers (and 50 percent of fathers) say it's hard to balance family and work responsibilities.

What Leaders Can Do

Let these statistics serve as a reminder to pay attention to what's going on with your team members, both women and men. Are any of them facing challenges in caring for children or other family members? Keep in mind your employees might not be revealing the full picture of what's happening with them. Some people might feel that they should just "soldier on" and not share their situation or ask for help.

But if you can offer help to employees overburdened by their second shift, you're both improving your team's effectiveness in the short term and helping your employees succeed in the long term. One possible starting point: looking for ways to offer more flexibility. According to Pew, a flexible schedule is the quality that working moms value most in a job.

This week, look at how the second shift impacts your staff. You can find more ideas on helping your staff members thrive in Building a Strong Team, part of the Leadership EDGE SeriesSM.

How to Give Feedback to Your Boss

Delivering feedback is one of the most challenging and most important things leaders do. Usually we think about feedback in terms of our direct reports, but your boss may need some, too. After all, your boss has a big impact on how you and others work. Today, we'll look at three kinds of bosses who can make your job more difficult. We'll look at how you can help your boss make some important tweaks, without it feeling awkward or painful. These strategies can show your boss the impact of his behavior while reinforcing that you're on the same team. As always, the goal is to take the discomfort out of feedback by making it more about working together toward shared goals.

The MIA Boss

Some bosses are great at delegating and empowering others. You might appreciate the level of trust and independence this boss gives you. But the downside is that giving employees feedback is the exception, not the rule, for him. In fact, you may only hear from him when something goes wrong. That means you could be missing opportunities to address problems earlier or to leverage your strengths more fully.

Don't expect this boss (or any boss, for that matter) to suddenly change his style. He's busy, and may not be skilled at giving feedback because he doesn't do it that often. So, if you want to know how you’re doing, take the initiative to schedule time to talk and facilitate the conversation. For example, you can go into the meeting with a one-page bulleted list of your accomplishments and results, feedback you have received from others and what you're working on to further develop your skills. Asking your boss to react to something like that can be far less daunting than asking him, "How am I doing?"

The Micromanager Boss

On the other hand, some bosses constantly look over your shoulder. Although it may not feel like it, their intent is usually positive: ensuring high quality work and supporting you. But they may get bogged down in minute details, or take over part of your responsibilities or decision-making authority. An employee with a boss like this often feels mistrusted and gets frustrated by the redundancy between their roles.

When giving feedback to this kind of boss, acknowledge her intent and show that you are aligned with it. Let's say your boss values responsiveness to senior executives. You could start your conversation with her by acknowledging the importance of this and then making suggestions: "I know we need to make sure we're being responsive to senior executives. If you can share the turnaround time and the relative importance of each key area, I can do more of the critical legwork before getting you involved. This will help me make more progress on my own, take less of your time on the detailed work, and allow me to leverage you more for a high-level review."

The 'Fire Drill' Boss

Then there are the bosses who are focused on showing their responsiveness to their own boss — and they expect the same level of responsiveness from you, even at the expense of larger priorities. They're so reactive that they don't have a sense of the big picture. A typical behavior: They don't start a presentation early enough to undergo the needed levels of review and then try to cram everything into a really tight time frame. They don't think about the impact that habits like that have on their team.

Because this kind of boss probably doesn't notice the damage he's doing, it can help to frame this in the context of what you want to achieve. To the boss who always rushes presentations, you could say: "I've noticed we often have a short turn-around time on presentations, which makes it difficult to ensure the level of quality that you want. So, I have some suggestions that may help.”  This positions you as a steward of quality, not a critic of the boss. From there, you can suggest improvements like establishing a timeline and milestones for the presentations.

This week, take 10 minutes to think about your working relationship with your boss. What could he or she do to help you achieve the results that are important to you both? What one small tweak can you make to frame the feedback in a way that guides your boss’s behavior while protecting your relationship? You can find more advice about managing all of your work relationships — bosses, peers, directs — in my book Show Up. Step Up. Step Out. Leadership Through a New Lens. And you can download five free chapters on my website.

Best of the Blog: 4 Qualities All Influential People Share

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To lead well, you need influence. Over the years, I've found that truly influential people have these four things in common.

1. They Demonstrate Credibility

This is the big one. Influence starts with credibility. Without it, you can’t effectively influence, no matter what approach you take. If you’re not sure whether others see you as credible, seek some feedback. If you hear questions about your credibility, correct them by helping others see your strengths and the value you bring. If you’re like many high performers, you may underestimate the positive impact you have. So, take the time to identify and share examples of how you consistently add value, in a way that’s relevant for the audience.

2. They See the Big Picture

Influential people are known for bringing a lot to table — intelligence, insight, etc. But you also have to be known as someone who’s not just in it for yourself. Connect what you do to the big picture of what’s right for the organization. If you speak just about your (or your department’s) goals and priorities, others may wonder whether your motivation is self-serving. That can quickly erode your credibility.

3. They Build Relationships

All organizations have formal leaders whose power ties to their positions. But they also have informal leaders who shape what really gets done. Your influence depends on the strength of your relationships with both formal leaders and informal leaders. Take a few minutes to review and assess these.

4. They Act Strategically

Influential people are strategic about how they leverage and engage others. For example, how often do you hold the “meeting before the meeting” to get buy-in from others and avoid surprises? Have you thought through the right messenger for advancing your goals? Sometimes it isn’t you. Look at what you do today, and small tweaks you could make to bring others along more effectively.

To learn more about building influence and other key career skills, check out my Leadership EDGE SeriesSM.

Best of the Blog: Build Resilience in Just 2 Steps

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Have you ever caught yourself wondering why you can’t get over a setback, a mistake (yours or someone else’s), a conflict or a big change? Sometimes we easily shrug off frustrations or difficulties. Other times, they really get under our skin. We may stay stuck in frustration even as we push ourselves to move forward and show more resilience.

People often misunderstand resilience. It doesn’t mean that we will move past roadblocks effortlessly or just have to find a way to survive them. Instead, true resilience requires delving into our thoughts and feelings and taking a look at successes and failures – so we can learn from them and make different choices.

Recently, I worked with an executive coaching client to help her navigate a tough situation. Someone at her office “threw her under the bus” in a meeting by doing exactly the opposite of what he had committed to doing. Not only did his behavior fall short of my client’s expectations, it also felt dishonest and disrespectful.

She kept telling herself, “Fine, it happened. I’m not happy about it. But I need to just get over it.” Instead of allowing herself to fully explore her feelings, she kept trying to set them aside like they didn’t matter.

As you might expect, she just couldn’t. She kept replaying the scenario in her head again and again. Does this sound familiar? When you are stuck in anger or frustration for days, it’s typically an indicator that a core value that you hold near and dear is involved. By taking the time to identify which specific value was violated (in this case, honesty) instead of ignoring it, my client figured out how to work through this challenging situation. She gave the other party constructive feedback about what happened and how it affected her, which finally allowed her to move on.

To help her further develop her resilience, we used a simple two-step process. Here’s how it works.

Step 1: Increase Your Self-Awareness

Although it might seem counterintuitive, it’s important to ask yourself, “What am I feeling? Let it all out, uncensored. It’s OK to feel how you feel, even if you’re not feeling very kind in that moment! Acknowledging and naming your emotions, whatever they are, will go a long way toward helping you process them.

The next question to ask yourself is “What am I thinking?” Are you falling into any thinking traps, such as assuming you know what others are thinking or downplaying positives while exaggerating negatives? Notice the story you are telling yourself about what happened in this situation. Take a few minutes to write your specific thoughts and feelings down. It may help you make connections you otherwise might not notice.

Next, ask yourself “How am I framing the situation?” For example, maybe you’re framing a colleague’s lack of enthusiasm for your idea as dismissive or disrespectful. Look at the evidence to better understand how you’re interpreting the situation, and whether or not your interpretation is accurate. You might realize that your colleague’s behavior had nothing to do with you.

Step 2: Make a Different Choice

Once you’ve identified your feelings and thoughts, and how they are helping or getting in your way, you will notice more options in front of you. And remember that you get to decide how you want to show up in this situation, regardless of how others are showing up. You may still decide to let all your frustration go and just move on, but that’s very different than just “sucking it up” and repressing your feelings. Treating yourself with compassion and gaining more insight about yourself and others will serve you well. You’ll also be a lot happier and more effective without those repressed feelings threatening to bubble up at any moment.

This week, give yourself a little more space to process any setbacks, changes or frustrations that come your way. Take time to notice what you’re thinking and feeling — it’s the first step toward true resilience. And remember that small steps can lead to big results.

Best of the Blog: How to Communicate Negative Stuff in a Positive Way

One of my clients reached out to me recently because he is unhappy with his new job. He hasn’t yet developed a strong relationship with his boss and doesn’t want to come across as whiny. He is struggling with how to have the conversation, especially since he isn’t ready to throw in the towel.  Keeping a positive tone in a difficult, high-stakes conversation like this one is a key leadership skill. In my work with this client, we talked through several strategies that can make a big difference when you’re in a situation like his.

Use Positive Language  

When my client and I first talked about his unhappiness with his new job, this is what he told me:

• “This role isn’t what I was expecting. My skills are underutilized, and I’m bored and frustrated.”

• “I’m not sure where this experience is really going to lead me or my career.”

• “I want a better relationship with my boss, but he is so different from other bosses I have had. My last boss was so supportive. I’m not sure where I stand with this one.”

Sharing this information with his boss using words like the ones he used with me seemed risky, given the situation. After all, this is a conversation that will set the tone for my client’s relationship with his boss. The choices he makes about how to handle the conversation will have a ripple effect throughout his time at this company.   That’s why I gave my client this strategy: Even if you’re feeling negative, share it in a more positive way. The easiest way to do this is by first clarifying your underlying intent. In other words, stop and ask yourself what this is really about for you.   Here’s how my client used his intent to communicate the situation to his boss:

• “I value my relationship with you and the company, so I want to be transparent about what is going on for me.”

• “I want to more fully utilize my skills to support the business and have a bigger impact. Here’s where I see an opportunity. …”

• “I am committed to the company and want to better understand the career path.”

Can you see how those words would land very differently with his boss than how he originally described the situation to me?  

Focus on How You Want to Show Up  

The second way to find the right words is by focusing on how you want to show up vs. how you don’t want to show up. For example, if you want to come across as proactive and positive vs. whiny and negative, what words, tone and body language would convey that? Practice speaking out loud and in front of a mirror so you can make sure these three things are in sync.  

Work on the Relationship  

Finally, consider one of these options to develop a stronger relationship with your boss over time:

• Pay attention to what he cares about and how he communicates. This helps you position things more effectively.

• Ask others whom you trust, and who know him well, how to best engage him.

• Get to know him as a person.

• Tell him how to best work with you. Many leaders have a hard time figuring this out on their own, so make it easy for them. For example, tell him what management style works well for you (hands on or hands off) and the most effective communication approach (e.g., direct, face-to-face, etc.) and ask what works best for him. This will allow the two of you to co-design your working relationship.

• If he doesn’t give feedback, offer your own self-assessment and ask him what he thinks.

I’ve shared a lot of different ideas here. Which one resonates most with you? I challenge you to pick a strategy and get started. Let me know how it goes!

For more resources to help you get going, check out our Leadership EDGE SeriesSM booklet on "Communicating with Impact" or go even deeper with the WOW! Women On the Way to Peak Performance Program℠.

How to Fall In Love With Your Job Again

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Your relationship with your job is just like any other relationship: It can hit a rough patch, or you might get a case of the blahs. My executive coaching clients often confide that they really don't enjoy parts of their jobs anymore. But because some aspects still work for them — and the pain of staying put is less than the pain of looking for something new — they soldier on.  

If this sounds familiar, how does each day feel? When you're not as passionate about your work, it can be much more difficult to tap into your creativity and strengths. If you let this situation continue for too long, it could affect your performance and ultimately your career advancement.

But you don't have to break up with your current job to love your career again. In honor of Valentine's Day, I'm sharing three questions to help you rekindle your excitement.

What Initially Attracted You?

Think back to when you first started your job. What attracted you to this role? What did you enjoy most about it back then? Maybe it was the opportunity to work with a great team or a great boss. Or perhaps it was the chance to use certain skills, build something new or round out your experience. Your reasons don't have to be "exciting." They just have to be meaningful to you. Perhaps your job won your heart simply because it gave you financial stability and security.

Of those initial characteristics that made you fall in love with this job, which ones still remain? Take five minutes to jot them down — to help you remember and appreciate them. If something you used to love about your job has changed, you can still use the insights from this exercise to increase your job satisfaction. For example, if the boss you accepted this job to work with has since moved on to another role, brainstorm other ways to get the support your old boss used to give, such as finding a new mentor.

What Would You Love More Of?

Complete this sentence:

If I had more _________, I'd love my job again.

Get specific about your answer to this question, and notice what’s at the heart of it. For example, if you answered challenge (as many people do), what kind of challenge do you need? Have you been doing the same kind of work for so long that its routine nature no longer engages you? If so, getting the challenge you need may be more about helping you build new skills or applying your skills to different types of business issues.

What Would You Want Less Of?

Here's one more sentence for you to complete:

If I could stop (or get rid of) _________, I'd love my job more.

Think about the things you've been tolerating at work that you'd love to just resolve once and for all. Perhaps day-to-day you are so involved in managing details that you don’t have time to get to the strategic work you love.  Identify at least one thing that you would want less of, and one step you can take this week to make it happen. For example, if you’ve been tolerating performance issues on your team, review the strategies from my article "Why Your Underperformer Isn't Changing."

For some people, when they answer this question, it may surface lifestyle issues such as long work hours or a crazy schedule that encroaches on their personal time. If that’s true for you, these articles have helpful strategies: "How to Stop Working All the Time" and "4 Ways to Keep Your Busy Life From Taking Over."

If you'd like some outside perspective or support as you try to rekindle that passion for your job, consider booking one of our Leadership Breakthrough SessionsSM. These half- or full-day customized sessions are designed to help you get clarity about what matters to you, and arm you with practical strategies.