How to Communicate Negative Stuff in a Positive Way

One of my clients reached out to me recently because he is unhappy with his new job. He hasn’t yet developed a strong relationship with his boss and doesn’t want to come across as whiny.

He is struggling with how to have the conversation, especially since he isn’t ready to throw in the towel. Keeping a positive tone in a difficult, high-stakes conversation like this one is a key leadership skill. In my work with this client, we talked through several strategies that can make a big difference when you're in a situation like his.  

Use Positive Language  

When my client and I first talked about his unhappiness with his new job, this is what he told me:

• “This role isn’t what I was expecting. My skills are underutilized, and I’m bored and frustrated.”

• “I’m not sure where this experience is really going to lead me or my career.”

• “I want a better relationship with my boss, but he is so different from other bosses I have had. My last boss was so supportive. I’m not sure where I stand with this one.”

Sharing this information with his boss using words like the ones he used with me seemed risky, given the situation. After all, this is a conversation that will set the tone for my client's relationship with his boss. The choices he makes about how to handle the conversation will have a ripple effect throughout his time at this company.   That's why I gave my client this strategy: Even if you’re feeling negative, share it in a more positive way. The easiest way to do this is by first clarifying your underlying intent. In other words, stop and ask yourself what this is really about for you.   Here’s how my client used his intent to communicate the situation to his boss:

• "I value my relationship with you and the company, so I want to be transparent about what is going on for me."

• "I want to more fully utilize my skills to support the business and have a bigger impact. Here’s where I see an opportunity. …"

• "I am committed to the company and want to better understand the career path."

Can you see how those words would land very differently with his boss than how he originally described the situation to me?  

Focus on How You Want to Show Up  

The second way to find the right words is by focusing on how you want to show up vs. how you don't want to show up. For example, if you want to come across as proactive and positive vs. whiny and negative, what words, tone and body language would convey that? Practice speaking out loud and in front of a mirror so you can make sure these three things are in sync.  

Work on the Relationship  

Finally, consider one of these options to develop a stronger relationship with your boss over time:

• Pay attention to what he cares about and how he communicates. This helps you position things more effectively.

• Ask others whom you trust, and who know him well, how to best engage him.

• Get to know him as a person.

• Tell him how to best work with you. Many leaders have a hard time figuring this out on their own, so make it easy for them. For example, tell him what management style works well for you (hands on or hands off) and the most effective communication approach (e.g., direct, face-to-face, etc.) and ask what works best for him. This will allow the two of you to co-design your working relationship.

• If he doesn't give feedback, offer your own self-assessment and ask him what he thinks.

I’ve shared a lot of different ideas here. Which one resonates most with you? I challenge you to pick a strategy and get started Let me know how it goes!

For more resources to help you get going, check out our Leadership EDGE SeriesSM booklet on Communicating with Impact or go even deeper with the WOW! WomenOn the Way to Peak Performance Program℠.

Shake Things Up at Work

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This year I committed to taking even better care of myself. In general, I do a good job of eating right and exercising regularly. What I am still mastering is getting enough sound sleep. After a few days of that, I know I am less productive and patient — what my son and I like to call a case of the Grumpies.  

When either of us finds ourselves needing to shake off the Grumpies, we literally shake things up and start dancing. It always works. Within seconds we are laughing. When you get out of your head, engage your body and start changing your environment, things shift.

For those of you thinking this is a goofy idea, I want to remind you of multi-billionaire Tony Robbins, who integrates this into his programs. I attended one for the first time last year and was amazed that we could go for hours without breaks if we integrated these basic concepts.

I had never been to one of his conferences and am used to tame corporate events. I danced for hours at this conference. Tony is a master of engaging your mind and body to get results.

I am not suggesting that you all start dancing in the office. But just consider for a moment how you can change your environment and use your body to infuse more energy into each day. It could be a simple walk, stretching, breathing or laughing with someone. (And maybe some dancing when no one is looking?) My WOW! Highlight Audio℠ product is another easy way to get an energy boost. Listen to it on a break or in the car for a quick hit of essential strategies to advance your career.I challenge you to identify one small step you will take.  And remember that small steps lead to big results.

My Top 8 Life Lessons — What Are Yours?

We all have life lessons buried in our years of experience, living life and watching others around us. When was the last time you took a few minutes to distill yours?  

If it's been a while for you, you're not alone. I often discover some of my most important lessons as I am coaching someone. When this happens, I find myself wondering whether the words I just said out loud were just as valuable to me as they were to the leader I was coaching at the time. It always leaves me feeling like the "Twilight Zone" music should be playing in the background and Rod Serling might pop out any minute.

Despite any "aha" moments we might have, most of us don't write the lessons down unless something prompts us to do so. For me, it's typically when I am asked to speak at conferences or companies, or if I am on a plane where no one can call or email me. For others, it may be when a major life event occurs and they are trying to make sense of it. It's the rare person who makes reflection about life lessons a regular part of her leadership development without someone (like a coach or mentor) suggesting it.

I hadn't planned to generate a list of life lessons on my flight as I headed to the Grand Canyon recently. I was actually trying to take a nap. But I guess my head was too full, and this list came oozing out.

1. It is OK to want what you want. Admit it to yourself, stop judging and get started.

2. You get what you give. Be generous.

3. Accept support no matter how tough and self-sufficient you are. It makes others feel good.

4. Stop overthinking and go with your gut. It will be OK.

5. Your body knows when you are taking a wrong turn. Don't ignore your insomnia and pain.

6. Decide what kind of leader you want to be, regardless of how others are showing up.

7. Be good to yourself. Empathy isn't just for other people.

8. Own your value. It is the first step in creating a ripple effect, that positive impact you want to have on others.

As you read that list, what resonated most with you? I want to challenge you to identify the biggest lesson for you this year. It might be one you've learned before but needed to be reminded of. I would love to hear from you.

Need a Change? Here's Where to Look First

Does it feel like time for a change in your career? There's one simple strategy for career shifts that many of us overlook. It’s one I didn’t consider early on in my career but that I used three times during my 14 years at Deloitte.  

It is really this simple: Explore the possibilities at your existing company. Too often people jump to options outside their organizations first.

Just Ask

When I left Deloitte in 1995, I had convinced myself that the career options I wanted just wouldn’t be available at the firm. And as I have coached leaders over the years, I’ve heard them share stories of employees who don’t give their managers or other leaders a chance before they decide to leave. They often convince themselves that the company could never give them what they want — whether that's a better salary, a more flexible schedule or a different role.

But trust me, in a competitive job market, companies can get creative and make things happen. If you have consistently performed and demonstrated value, most companies will work hard to retain you because it makes a lot of business sense. I learned this lesson after I got recruited back to Deloitte in 1997, and went on to work there for 10 more years (switching groups three times during that period). Remember that it starts with you — your willingness to simply ask for what you want.

Focus on Your Intent

So, if it really is this simple, what gets in the way? Usually it’s what you value. For example, you may worry about how others will view you or how a move might affect your work relationships or your reputation.

Recently, one of my clients thought about switching jobs within his company but was concerned that his boss and other leaders would question his loyalty and commitment. I could certainly relate. When I changed groups at Deloitte, I felt strongly about not burning any bridges. To help my client overcome his fear, I asked him to focus on his intent, which was to find a way to pursue his passion and to leverage his skills in a way that felt impactful. By incorporating this language into his approach, he became more confident about having the conversation in a positive way.

We also discussed how to frame the conversation to clarify that his decision was about moving toward a role that was a better fit for him, rather than trying to leave a bad situation or group behind. Finally, we thought through how he wanted to show up in the conversation. This helped him better reinforce his key messages with his tone and body language.

So if you're looking for a change in your career, consider giving your current company a chance first before you jump ship. Your company may surprise you. And you can make the move in a way that's true to who you are and what you value.

The Most Effective Ways to Move Past Fear

We all run up against our fears from time to time. Recently, I've been helping clients work through fears around transitions. For some clients, the fear is around wanting to leave their current company, and what might happen if they did. But that same fear can come up even when you’re considering a new role within the same company.  

Moving past fear is a critical leadership skill. As an executive coach, I help clients reframe their fears so they can achieve their goals. I do this from a place of understanding, from my experiences coaching others and from my own career transitions. In 2008, I walked away from an executive position at Deloitte to start my own business. This meant tackling a couple of big fears that are common among high performers. The first was a fear of failure. I had worked hard my entire life to be successful, so taking a huge chance on something that might not work was a big deal for me. The second issue, one of self-doubt, I dealt with early on in my career. In 1995, I left my job without having another one lined up. At the time, I felt confident about my decision. But I totally underestimated how others would view my choice. They questioned and challenged me, and I began to wonder if I had made a big mistake.

What got me through my fears was the power of the vision I had for my life and the steps I took to address each fear. I realized that I cared more about achieving my vision than what others thought of my choices. If you haven't already, try the visioning exercise featured on the blog recently. The answers to this exercise can really help ground you and help you reconnect to what's important when you find yourself hesitating or feeling afraid.

Take a look at some of the strategies that I use to help my clients when they're experiencing fear or anxiety, and see what resonates for you.

• Talk back to your gremlins. Many of us engage in harsh self-talk, especially when we expect a lot of ourselves. Maybe you're thinking about leaving your company for new opportunities, but your inner voice keeps saying, "You'll never find a job that is better than this one. You’re crazy to leave this well-paid position and start over somewhere else." It's important to realize that this inner voice isn't always reliable. Usually it's simply your fear of change trying to be heard.

• Dig deep. Find out what's really behind your fear. When you can zero in on what's scaring you, it's much easier to overcome. In 2008, when I realized that my fear of failure was holding me back, I realized that I had to start by defining success.

• Turn mountains into mole hills. A big decision like a job transition can feel so overwhelming that you may start procrastinating. To help you move forward, turn your big goal into smaller, achievable action steps. Just remember that you don't have to make that big leap and climb that mountain all in one day. Small steps lead to big results.

• Imagine the worst-case scenario. This might seem counterintuitive, but imagine your worst fear playing out. What would happen? How bad could it really be? Then ask yourself what you would do if that worst-case scenario started to happen. Chances are, when you really think it through, you'll realize that you would survive just fine and would take action way before life got that miserable. When I played out my fears about what would happen if I failed at my own business, I realized that the worst that could happen is that I'd have to go back to consulting, possibly start traveling again and be well-paid. That wasn't my dream at the time, but it really wasn’t so bad.

• Get a cheering squad. We all need our fans around us when we go through change. Surround yourself with and ask for support from people who care about your success, from family and friends to mentors and coaches.

It's natural to feel some fear or anxiety from time to time, especially when big changes are on the horizon. These strategies will help keep you from getting stuck in uncertainty. Choose one to try this week, and let me know how it goes.

What Really Helps When You're Overwhelmed

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A couple of my executive coaching clients are going through a situation that you've probably experienced, too.  

They're feeling overwhelmed and frustrated — so much that they can't bring their key leadership skills to the table at work. And, what's worse, they can't see a way out.

What I do with these clients — and what I want to help you do with this post — is show them that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

When you are used to being a high performer who rarely (if ever) fails at anything, being in this place of overwhelm can be unnerving. Sometimes it's hard to know where to start when you're trying to escape it. With my coaching clients, I use an approach that helps make things feel a little more manageable.

The first thing to realize is that you'll need to address the situation on two fronts:

1)    Envision how you want your life to be different from the overwhelmed state you're in right now. If you did the life wheel and visioning exercises in one of the recent blogs, you have some great information to help you do this. You can return to these exercises any time you need to refocus.

2)    Now think about what you can do to improve things in the short term. Don’t worry about solving everything right now. Just identify the first one or two steps that will start moving you towards what you want personally and professionally.

Now let's break things down even further. For most people I've found that the first couple of short-term steps are often the same:

1)    Set some boundaries to create more capacity in your life. Start by identifying just one or two things that you will stop doing. You may already know what those are, and just may need to find a way to say no in a way that works for you.

2)    Your next step is to reinvest that added capacity. If you’re in a place of feeling overwhelmed, the best use of it is usually self-care.

Remember that if you're not taking care of yourself, you can't be there for anyone else. Women often have a hard time getting to this conclusion. But here's something interesting I've noticed in my work as a coach: The farther along women are in their careers, the more they recognize that self-care is a core leadership skill. Sure, experienced executives may get overwhelmed from time to time, but they've accepted the idea that we can't go nonstop — and they practice it. Science backs them, too. Did you know there's actually no difference in productivity between someone who works 55 hours per week and someone who works 70? Spending some time on self-care instead of working will actually make you more productive.

The next time you're feeling overwhelmed, take some time to catch your breath and go through the exercises in this post. Please also consider sharing this post with anyone else who might need these strategies right now, and subscribe to my newsletter (scroll to the bottom of the page to sign up) for a steady supply of tips that will keep you calm, centered and at your best.

Time to Boost Your Self-Awareness

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When you have some down time, let me encourage you to use that time to check in and take your self-awareness up a notch. Just pausing to notice what's going on with your career and what might be holding you back in your leadership development can be the first step toward some big breakthroughs. Use these questions to stimulate some ideas.

• What one thing do you want to be different in your life right now?

• What's standing in the way any changes you'd like to make?

• How is your mindset helping or getting in the way?

• What messages are you telling yourself?

• How much are you thinking about what could go wrong (and making yourself anxious or overwhelmed)?

• If you could let go of one thing, so you can move forward, what would it be?

Keep these questions in mind as you go through your week and jot down your answers. In upcoming posts, I'll give you some specific tips on working through fear and overwhelm.

4 Breakthrough Insights from Ali Brown's Event

Last week was a big one for me.  

I participated in a two-day conference with Ali Brown, a self-made multi-millionaire who works with women entrepreneurs. I did this because I wanted to learn more about the challenges and strategies at that level and to be with a peer group of women who want what I want — to make a bigger difference, break the mold and lead the way.

The attendance at this conference, Repower, was limited to only 35 entrepreneurs with high six- or seven-figure businesses. FYI, only 2 percent of all women-owned businesses have revenues of $1 million or more, so you know there were a lot of smart, successful women in the room.

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I decided to invest in Repower for my leadership development because I realized that I’m not someone who is just here to build a business. I want to have an impact on the world — in a big way. And this was my first step to really own that.

Many of my clients are incredible leaders who also want to make a big difference. So, in that spirit, I want to share my takeaways. Hopefully, this will get you thinking about a next step for you.

Trust your gut

You should know that, going into this event, I had been in the thick of trying to implement a strategy for my business, one that I thought I had to, to take my company to the next level. It has been so frustrating and has sucked the life out of me for months now. No wonder I just couldn’t seem to get it over the goal line.

For those of you who know me well, you know that I am a go-getter and get things done fast, especially when I know it’s the right thing to do. I initially thought my hesitation was because I was entering unchartered waters, but now I realize that it was the wrong approach for me and my business.

If you keep resisting to something in a big way, pay attention. I fell into the trap of ignoring my resistance and rationalizing my approach. My advice to you: Get out of your head and listen to your gut, that intuition that you have developed over a lifetime.

Break the mold

One of the reasons I stuck to the wrong strategy for so long is that I overemphasized other people’s definitions of success, the models that seem to be working in the marketplace. In fact, I did it so much that I discounted my 20+ years of experience developing business strategies, restructuring operations and developing strong leaders. In retrospect, what was I thinking?

Well, I now know that I was simply overthinking. Just because many others have grown their businesses using one model, it doesn’t mean that I have to. This is my golden opportunity to shake things up and do it another way, and stand out from the pack.

It’s easy to get caught up in how others define success or how something “should” be done. Next time that happens for you, ask yourself whether it’s time to break the mold, solve the problem in a new way and be a thought leader. (If you need to get back in touch with your own "true north," try the vision exercise from last week's post.)

Go where your energy is

As I mentioned, the past few months have felt heavy despite the fact that I really love what I do. I get unbelievable gratification from helping high-performing leaders bring out their best, especially knowing how one leader affects so many lives. I realize now that what gives me the most energy is being part of that ripple effect.

I have decided that I will pour myself into where my energy is and put aside all the “should’s” in my head that suck the life out of me. There’s something exhilarating about pursuing a strategy that plays to my passion and strengths — and, by the way, makes more sense for my company!

Surround yourself with the right people

I have wanted to challenge myself to do more and have a bigger impact for a while. I now know that I needed some validation, motivation and inspiration to do that. So, one of the most valuable aspects of the Ali Brown event was meeting the amazing women in attendance. Although we’ve gone our separate ways and live in different parts of the country, I know they will continue to challenge my thinking and give me the support I need from a place of understanding.

I strongly encourage you to make sure you have that kind of support for yourself in your leadership development. Shake things up a bit, go outside your industry and the people you have had in your circle for a while. It is so worth the investment.

As you think about where you are today in your life and career, remember to invest in what’s going to help you take things one step further. Check out the Leadership EDGE SeriesSM or my book — Show Up. Step Up. Step Out. — to get you started. And remember that small steps can lead to big results.

How to Stay Committed to Any Goal

Did you try the life wheel exercise we talked about in last week's blog post?

Using what you learned from the wheel, you've probably been setting some goals related to areas you'd like change in your life.

Setting a goal is only the first step, though. To keep moving toward your goals, you've got to feel emotionally connected to them.

That's why I take my executive coaching clients through exercises to help them visualize achieving their goals, and feel what it would be like.Getting a taste of those satisfying emotions can help them push toward what they want to achieve even when things get tough. Having detailed goals has been linked to future success. You can try something similar with any goal you are working toward right now. I want you envision, in as much detail as you can, what your future will be like after you've achieved your goal. To get started, answer the questions below. You can write down the answers or talk them through with a coach or someone else you trust.

• What is happening in your life now that you've achieved this goal? This could range from where you work to what you do outside of work.

• What do you spend your time doing? Think about what a typical workday and weekend looks like for you in this future, especially the most enjoyable parts.

• Who is part of this future? Visualize your colleagues or clients, and other important relationships.

• What's going on with your family in this future? Picture how you spend time together and what's changed about your relationships with them.

• What's different about your life after achieving this goal? Imagine even the smallest details from your commute to your work environment.

• How do you feel after achieving this goal vs. how you feel today? Think about any differences in your stress level, energy, and happiness and how that impacts your life.

I just recently did this exercise with one of my clients who was ready to make a career change. Let’s call her Michelle. In the future she envisioned, Michelle saw a life that fit more closely with her priorities, one that allowed her to pursue her passion at work without sacrificing her personal life. She had also transitioned from a larger organization to a smaller one that offered more freedom and flexibility. Michelle had also received additional certifications to further build her expertise and credibility in her field. But most importantly, she felt more energized and excited, and so much “lighter” knowing that she was doing the right thing for her career and her family.

In my WOW! Women On the Way to Peak Performance Program℠, I take you through the process of defining concrete goals and overcoming the roadblocks that may prevent you from achieving them. This week, I encourage you to answer the questions in this post or to get started with the WOW! Program℠ if you’re ready to dive deeper. You'll find that the time you invest will pay off. We’ll help you use what you learn in this visioning exercise in my other posts this month.

The First Step to Feeling More Calm and In Control

Maybe you're feeling just the opposite of calm and in control right now. And maybe you've assumed this is just how things are — that with all the demands we deal with every day at work and at home, feeling stressed or anxious is just par for the course.

I get how you feel — I've been there, too. But I've also proactively used some simple solutions to help me come out on the other side, and I’ve helped my clients do the same.

The first step when you're feeling off-kilter is to look at the big picture, by identifying where things are in or out of sync in your life. I take my clients through a “wheel of life” assessment to help them quickly notice where they need to make shifts. Use the blank wheel below and label each of the six sections with one of your top priorities. Then rate yourself on each area using the 0 (low) to 10 (high) scale. See the completed example for reference.

If you rated yourself a perfect 10 in all areas, you would have a smooth, round wheel. Most of us, however, find that our wheel is bumpy and far from perfect. In this example, the wheel shows a very low score in health because this person is burning the candle at both ends and not getting enough sleep, rest or exercise.

If your self-assessment shows more than one area for improvement, start with the highest priority for you. Tackling too many priorities can set you up for failure. Likewise, don’t go overboard in trying to change too much at once. Simply identify the first step you want to take and exactly when you will take it. Once you have accomplished that step, define the next step. Trust me, I have learned the hard way that if you attempt to tackle it all at the same time, you will likely get overwhelmed or stuck. So, keep my mantra in mind: Small steps lead to big results.

This week, take five minutes to complete the wheel to help you take charge and start closing the gaps between where you are now and where you want to be. Giving yourself some time to check-in and map out some steps to self-care is a great way to reach success.

Are You Taking the Right Steps to Build Influence?

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Influence: You know you want more of it, but do you have a plan for building it? Last week, we talked about the different facets of influence, a key leadership skill. I asked you to pay attention to how you're doing in four areas: credibility, connection to the big picture, relationships and processes. Today, I want you to take what you noticed about yourself and use it to complete this assessment tool. Your results will point you toward the actions you should take to build your influence.

Take a look at the following statements related to the different aspects of influence. On a scale of 1-10 (with 10 being "very true"), think about true each statement is for you right now.

Credibility

• I recognize my strengths and the value I bring.

• I consistently share examples of my strengths and how I add value with others in a way that's relevant for them.

Connection to the Big Picture

• I consistently help others see the connection between the value I add and what's best for the organization.

• I speak in terms of the organization's goals and priorities, not just those of myself or my department.

Relationships

• I know who holds both the formal power (power connected to a role) and informal power (power not connected to a role).

• I cultivate relationships with both formal and informal leaders.

Processes

• I engage others and create buy-in in a way that is authentic to who I am as a leader.

• I recognize when to leverage others to deliver a message, even if I could deliver it.

So what did you discover in this self-assessment? Look at the statements where you gave yourself the lowest numbers. Developing your skills in those areas should be the heart of your plan to build influence. If you want to bring up your numbers across the board, start by focusing on your credibility. That's the root of influence.

To help you put your plans into action, check out our Leadership EDGE SeriesSM booklet on Building Influence or get the complete set for bigger savings.

What do you think makes someone influential? Let's continue the conversation in comments or on social media.

The 4 Essentials of Influence

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To lead well, you need influence. And this month we're talking about how to build it. Last week, I took you through an exercise to help you figure out what influence looks like for you. This week, I'll help you better understand influence — and how to increase your own — by breaking it down into four key components.

1. Credibility

This is the big one. Influence starts with credibility. Without it, you can’t effectively influence, no matter what approach you take. If you're not sure whether others see you as credible, seek some feedback. If you hear questions about your credibility, correct that by helping others see your strengths and the value you bring. If you’re like many high performers, you may underestimate the positive impact you have. So, take the time to identify and share examples of how you consistently add value, in a way that's relevant for the audience. 2. Connection to the Big Picture

Part of being influential is being known as someone who brings a lot to table — intelligence, insight, etc. But you also have to be known as someone who's not just in it for yourself. Connect what you do to the big picture of what's right for the organization. If you speak just about your (or your department's) goals and priorities, it can leave others wondering whether your motivation is self-serving. That can quickly erode your credibility.

3. Relationships

All organizations have formal leaders whose power ties to their positions. But they also have informal leaders who shape what really gets done. Your influence depends on the strength of your relationships with both formal leaders and informal leaders. Take a few minutes to review and assess these.

4. Processes

The final part of the influence equation relates to the processes you use to build influence. In other words, be strategic about how you leverage and engage others. For example, how often do you hold the "meeting before the meeting" to get buy-in from others and avoid surprises? Have you thought through the right messenger for advancing your goals? Sometimes it isn't you.  Look at what you do today, and small tweaks you could make to bring others along more effectively.

Next week, I'll have a tool to help you gauge how you're doing in developing your influence. To get the most out of this assessment, make a point this week to notice where you currently stand in each of these key areas. And to learn more about building influence and other key career skills, check out my Leadership EDGE SeriesSM. Pick what’s most relevant for you or invest in the complete set of eight for a 20% savings.

What Does Influence Mean to You?

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We're talking about building your influence this month. Last week, I explained why you need an influential network. This week, I want to help you zero in on what kind of influencer you want to be. "Being influential" can mean different things to different people. These questions will help you take stock of what you want your influence to look like in the context of your own leadership style.

1. What do you want others to say about how you influence others?This is a variation of the question I ask clients when I help them define their leadership brand. What are the top three things you'd want someone else to say if they were describing your influence style to someone else? A few examples to spark your thinking: You are thoughtful (you bring relevant information forward). You focus on win/win approaches. You have the other party’s best interest at heart.

1. What kinds of decisions do you want to influence? We all have our strengths. What types of decisions could you more easily influence today based on how others view your strengths? These could include shaping vision, defining strategies, making changes to business operations or staffing decisions. What types of decisions would be harder for you to influence?

1. Whom do you want to influence? In addition to clarifying your realm of influence, take time to define whom you want to influence. In other words, do you want to be viewed as more of an external thought leader with clients or other leaders in your industry? Or do you want to influence others inside your organization such as peers, direct reports and company leaders? Even if it is a mix of both, defining your target audience will help you build influence faster.

1. What are your goals as an influencer? Whether you want to build influence in an area where others don’t see you as a key influencer today or one where you are already recognized as an expert, it helps to set concrete goals. For example, how long would it realistically take you to build the knowledge and track record needed to exert the influence you want to have? Whom do you need to engage along the way? To focus your efforts, define two or three small steps along with deadlines. Once you’ve completed those steps, define the next two or three. This will help you move forward without feeling overwhelmed.

Spend some time this week thinking about these questions and how to show influence in a way that fits your own leadership style. To help you further build your influence at work, check out our Leadership EDGE SeriesSM booklet on Building Influence or get the complete set for bigger savings.

How Influential Is Your Network?

Influence is a key leadership skill, and we'll be talking about it throughout April. I want to kick off the discussion by looking at a blind spot some women have around influence: the power and influence of their network. As an executive coach who specializes in working with high-performing women leaders, I've noticed that women often don't think about whether their networks include the right influencers to help them achieve their business or professional goals.

This involves taking a step beyond creating a network of leaders who support you. It's also making sure that people with the power and influence to help you advance your goals are in this group.

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Think about the business results you have committed to delivering or how you want to take your career to the next level. Who needs to be on board to make your goals happen? Be strategic about making sure that your network includes those people.

This approach can make some people uncomfortable, so I want to stress something. Being strategic about who's in your network does not mean you have to be disingenuous. Sometimes women get stuck here because they assume that they can't strategically build their network and still be authentic.

I help the leaders I work with learn how to add key influencers to their network in a way that’s true to who they are. I'll tell you what I tell my clients: Start by clarifying your intent around your network-building. In other words, how would it benefit the organization and your team, even if you will personally benefit? With that in mind, what words would you use to engage someone while keeping your values and leadership principles in mind? If you are someone who is always focused on doing the right thing for the business or adding value, below are three examples of what you might say to initiate a conversation.

“I want to learn more about the priorities and challenges in your part of the business so that my team knows how to best work with you and develops solutions to meet your needs. Can we schedule 15 minutes to talk?”

“I want to keep expanding my knowledge of the business, so I better understand where my skills and experience can add the most value. Can we meet for a few minutes?”

“I’m committed to growing and learning, so I can fully leverage my skills at the company. Can we meet for a few minutes so I can ask you what’s made the biggest difference in your career?”

This week, I challenge you to identify and engaging one influential person in a way that aligns with your values. Let me know how it turns out.

If you want to go deeper on the topic of Influence, check out our Leadership EDGE SeriesSM booklet on Building Influence or my book, Show Up. Step Up. Step Out.

How to Turn Conflict Into Teamwork

It isn't enough to talk about peace, one must believe it.And it isn't enough to believe in it, one must work for it.                                                                             - Eleanor Roosevelt

One of my clients is in a predicament that will feel familiar to a lot of leaders. On her team, two peers aren't collaborating, and they keep escalating their conflict. When she tries to intervene, they just dig in deeper.

This situation is an example of how a leader can set the tone. That's a theme we've been looking at throughout March in honor of Women's History Month. In this case, your leadership skills can make the difference in whether a conflict drags on (draining everyone's productivity) or gets resolved (boosting your team's results).

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If you have a couple of team members who just can't seem to work together, try these ideas to get everyone back on track.

1. Look at your role. How might you be enabling the conflict to continue? Has communication gotten fragmented between your quarreling team members because you've put yourself right in the middle of things? Remember that you can be supportive without being in the middle. Make it clear to the team members that while you can offer help, they own the problem and its resolution.

1. Establish the big picture. One good way to help without getting stuck in the middle of the conflict is by giving your team members a perspective check. Let's say that one of them is accountable for creating the highest margins for the company while the other is accountable for customer satisfaction. The two of them are being rewarded for very different things that can lead to different business decisions, which might explain one of the sources of conflict in the first place. As a leader, you can remind them to think in terms of the company's overall success and how both goals can be met, not just how well their individual area performs.

1. Help them see everyone's place in that picture. Talk with the team members about how they both fit into the company's larger goals, even though they are accountable for different things. Help them see how the big-picture success of the company might involve balancing their two individual goals. In our example, that could mean helping your team members understand that while margins are important, prices can't be so high that they run off customers. On the other hand, happy customers are vital, but so are sustainable margins. Sometimes as leaders we feel that employees should "just know" things like this and instinctively do what's right for the company. But you might have to help them connect the dots.

This week, take a look at whether there are any conflicts on your team that might come from team members being too focused on their own areas and not enough on the bigger picture. How can you help your feuding team members see beyond differences and align with higher level goals? This is a great opportunity to make a real impact with your leadership skills. In my online store, you can find many more resources to help your team members' leadership development, including the WOW! Highlight AudioSM.

Turning Down an Employee Who's Not Ready for a Promotion

“People are definitely a company’s greatest asset. It doesn’t make any difference whether the product is cars or cosmetics. A company is only as good as the people it keeps.” — Mary Kay Ash

March is Women's History Month, so we've been celebrating the words of some great women leaders and taking a look at the impact and influence of your own leadership. The way you lead makes a huge difference in your team members' difficult moments. Today, let's look at a really tricky one: What should you do when an employee wants a promotion but just isn't ready? How you lead through this situation can help determine whether the employee keeps improving and stays with your company or disengages and moves on.

Leaders have to get skilled at the art of tough conversations, and this one is among the toughest I see my clients face. If you're currently dreading having a talk like this with an employee, I have three ideas that can make the conversation easier for you both and more likely to help your team member's career growth.

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1. Set the stage.

How you frame this conversation is crucial. Communicate that you are here to help your team member succeed and that you're vested in her leadership development and her success. The key thing here is not just telling your employee that you're an ally, but reminding her of the evidence of how you've helped her develop and grow.

2. Agree on the criteria.

Lay out what the company is looking for from people at the level where she'd like to be. Then talk about your employee's strengths and where her gaps are. Maybe she's great at building a high-performing team, but she needs to improve her ability to focus on what matters most. Or she tends to get "in the weeds" with her direct reports while the position she wants requires more strategic thinking. Getting clear on criteria helps the conversation feel more objective and less personal.

3. Bring in the big picture.

People who are set on getting promoted often make the mistake of looking at it (and communicating about it) only from the standpoint of their own career path, not what's best for the company as a whole. If that's true of your employee, help her shift her thinking. The company is interested in making the highest and best use of her skills, and helping her grow and advance. It may seem a little counterintuitive to her, but when she focuses less on getting promoted and more on what’s best for the company, she will become more promotable.

If you have an employee who wants to move up but isn't ready, I encourage you to have this conversation as soon as you can. This is a difficult situation, but one where your leadership can really make the difference for the company and for your team member. In my online store, you can find many more resources to help your team members' leadership development, including the WOW! Highlight AudioSM.

Top Women Leaders Share Their Advice

In honor of Women's History Month, Newberry Executive Solutions sponsored the Texas Women in Business segment which aired on WBAP/KLIF radio in Dallas. These segments featured interviews with some of the most inspiring women leaders I know. Here is just a sampling of the advice and insights.

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"Women should focus on the things that give them energy and make them want to get to work every day."

"Don’t underestimate the importance of having the right people in your corner to help you."

—Donna Epps

Partner, Deloitte Financial Advisory Services LLP

"I took on tough roles no one else wanted and then focused on demonstrating results within them."

"Be known for your unique skill set or the way you get things done."

— Nancy Loewe

Senior vice president and chief strategy officer, Kimberly-Clark Corp.

"I think about my relationships as a bank account. In order to make withdrawals from that relationship account, you have to take the time to make lots of deposits. I remind myself every day I benefit from people who were willing to sponsor and mentor me along the way."

"When you make a decision, embrace it and don’t lose sleep thinking about 'what if.'"

— Deborah Gibbins

Chief financial officer, Mary Kay Inc.

"The best leaders don’t necessarily have the best answers, but are highly skilled at knowing the right one when they see it."

"There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but few will capture your heart.  Pursue those."

— Debbie Storey

Senior vice president talent development and chief diversity officer, AT&T

"Find the place where you can excel. Each of us has strengths and passions, so figure out what role will allow you to leverage your strengths the majority of the time."

"Don’t sacrifice anything you believe in – especially your values and family."

— Lisa Amoroso

Senior director, Diversity and Inclusion, Frito-Lay North America

I want to express my gratitude to all the leaders who took part in this series. Listen to each of their 1-minute audio segments here. I hope that you'll be as inspired by their wisdom as I have been.

For more ideas on developing your leadership, take advantage of our special offer in March for the WOW! Highlight AudioSM. It gives you a sample of proven strategies and tips from all six modules of the full WOW! WomenOn theWay to Peak Performance ProgramSM and this month it's only $97 (a $100 savings).

Crazy Day? Here's How to Get Centered

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If I don't put my own physical and emotional health first, then I'm not really useful to any movement, to any work of art, to any creative endeavor. I have to be aware — not selfish and self-absorbed and self-obsessed — but I have to be self-aware of what my needs are and be willing to take care of my own needs. —    Kerry Washington

Happy Women's History Month! As we celebrate the impact and influence of women throughout March, I want to help you recognize the powerful influence you have and how your leadership and executive presence set the tone.

I'll also be sharing quotes from notable women past and present. Today's quote from everyone's favorite Gladiator, Kerry Washington, hits on some themes that are at the very heart of how you influence as a leader.

Now while you aren't (I hope!) dealing with all the travails that Washington's character, Olivia Pope, faces, I'm sure that a lot gets thrown at you as a leader. One of the most constant themes I see with my executive coaching clients is how to stay centered when things get tough. It's a key part of your executive presence. When you're centered, you can bring calm to chaos. When you're not, you risk escalating stressful situations. What Knocks Us Off Center?

I think Kerry Washington is really on to something in that quote: We have to care for ourselves to be at our best. If you're cheating yourself on your basic physical needs, especially sleep, it leads to behaviors that amp up your stress and the stress of others. You might get grumpy or not remember what others have told you — which makes them grumpy because they think you aren't listening.

And, as leaders, there is no shortage of people and situations that push our buttons. It's the nature of our jobs, after all, to deal with challenging situations.

I've noticed that what really gets my clients off kilter is someone acting in a way that goes against the values they hold dearest at work, like respect and professionalism. I call this getting "triggered." It's a state beyond being annoyed or stressed, and it's a real physical phenomenon. Recovering after you're triggered takes at least 20 minutes. A sure sign that you've been triggered is a rush of negative emotions that you have trouble letting go of. And, you guessed it, when you're run down physically, it's easier to get triggered.

Breathing Your Way Back to Center

That's why I always advise clients to prioritize self-care. If you've been skimping on sleep, what shifts can you make in your routine to get more rest? Even getting rest by taking more breaks during the day when you know you'll be working late can help. "Powering through" is the worst thing you can do.

A great way to rest and rejuvenate even when you just have a few minutes is diaphragmatic breathing: Inhale to a count of 3, exhale to a count of 6. You should feel your belly rising when you breathe, not your chest.

Diaphragmatic breathing can help you keep calm when you sense you are starting to get triggered. Even better, practice it proactively throughout the day to head off stress.

Defusing the Trigger

Besides deep breathing, you can take other steps to avoid getting triggered in the first place.

First, it helps just to be aware that you can get triggered and what happens when you do. When you understand what happens to your body when you're triggered and how long it takes to recover, you can be more deliberate about not going there.

Start noticing what types of people and situations trigger you and how you feel when you start to get triggered. The bad news is that the people who trigger you probably aren't going to change. The good news is you are empowered to exercise more control in your interactions with them.

When you know you'll have to be around someone who shows up in a way you don't like, get really clear about how you want to show up. Regardless of how he or she behaves, how do you want to behave?

For example, let's say you have a colleague who tends to fly off the handle in meetings, which usually goads you into sniping back and then fuming after the meeting about his behavior. Before you're in another meeting with him, play it out in your mind. How will you react when he starts his usual angry behavior? At one point will you simply end the conversation with him? Even if you take just a few moments to mentally rehearse it when you're on the way to the meeting, it can make a big difference. (By the way, you can also protect your own peace of mind by noticing when others are triggered and not trying to engage them then.)

This week, I encourage you to make two small shifts: 1) Pay more attention to self-care. 2) Start noticing what triggers you and how you can change your response. Both should help you start to feel more calm and centered no matter what's going on around you. For more strategies to build your leadership, check out my WOW! Highlight AudioSM . It's a sampling of material from the complete WOW! WomenOn theWay to Peak Performance ProgramSM and this month it's $100 off.

The Secrets of True Influence

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One of the biggest mistakes I see among my executive coaching clients is confusing position and influence. They aren't the same thing, although a person’s position could potentially increase his or her influence.  

Remember that although titles on the org chart can be helpful, they don't tell the full story of how things really get done. Effective leadership means looking beyond formal structures and recognizing that it's not just your position (or someone else's position) that makes things happen. At the heart of it, influence is all about understanding, cultivating and leveraging relationships.

I work with leaders who must collaborate across organizational boundaries to influence others to deliver business results all the time. Today, I want to share some of the process we go through to develop an effective approach.

First, identify who really makes certain types of decisions. If you aren’t sure about the political dynamics in your company, ask people you can trust who have been around long enough to know. Frame your questions in the right context by communicating how a better understanding of the landscape will help you avoid landmines and more quickly deliver what the business needs. But don’t stop there. Go beyond identifying this group of decision-makers to also understanding who they trust and rely on for advice and input.

Once you have mapped out how things really get done in your company, consider how to best share your ideas. In other words, who would be the best messenger(s) for your ideas? To influence the outcome you want, it may not be you. Never forget how much the messenger matters.

Once you have thought through the dynamics and who can help you, frame your ideas to enlist the support of key stakeholders. What is important to you and to each of these individuals? What are the key points of connection, and how should you communicate those? Choose the right words to help others see your focus on what's best for the business and not your own personal agenda. Remember that influence is not about manipulation. It is about helping your company achieve desired results, in a way that is authentic, genuine, and relationship-oriented.

This week, try out one of these strategies to help you develop the right approach to effectively influence someone to take action. Two booklets from my Leadership Edge SeriesSM can help you learn more. "Communicating With Impact" will show you how to frame your ideas to get more buy-in and overcome potential resistance. And "Building Influence" can help you identify the unwritten rules in your organization.

What to Do When Your Boss Skips Feedback

Last week, we talked about how leaders can help a "stuck" employee improve. This week, let's take a look at the same situation from the employee's perspective: What can you do when a boss isn't happy with your work, but isn't giving you the information and performance feedback you need to improve?  

I've seen from my executive coaching clients that this is a tough spot to be in. They don't want to look incompetent and may have trouble admitting that they don't know what their boss wants from them. But at the same time, they need some help to succeed. We talk about strategies that let them save face and maintain their credibility while still discovering the shifts they need to make to meet their boss's expectations.

Remember that it's part of your boss's job to help you succeed. These ideas can help you get the support you need.

Frame Things the Right Way

How you present things to your boss can do a lot to open up communication between the two of you. For starters, think about how you typically frame up issues you need help with. Instead of just saying you don't fully understand an assignment she's given you, communicate your intentions before you ask any questions. For example, "I want to make sure I am delivering the right results and making the best use of your time and mine. So, can I get some clarification and more information about X, Y and Z?". Communicating your intent in a positive way can help your boss see how you are focused on meeting her expectations.

Clarify Expectations

Some bosses just aren't that skilled at delegating or clearly communicating their expectations when they make assignments. It's OK — and much better for you in the long term — to ask what you need to know to get a handle on what your boss really wants. If he hasn’t shared this with you, you can prompt him with questions to clarify:

• interim and final deadlines

• budget parameters including time and money

• your decision-making authority

• the type and timing of any follow-ups or check-ins

• how involved your boss wants to be throughout the assignment

Debrief on Your Own

Ideally, your boss should give you specific performance feedback. But this is another area where many leaders fall short. If that's true of your boss, take some steps on your own. When you complete a project, ask yourself and your project team the following questions:

• What worked well?

• What fell short of your expectations?

• What would you do differently next time, given what you know now?

You can also ask your boss for input and suggestions, based on your own debrief, if she isn't forthcoming with them.

Look Beyond Your Boss

If you're struggling and your boss isn't a good resource for help, who else can you talk to? Don’t underestimate the value of your peers. Because you share the same boss and may face similar challenges, your peers might provide useful insight and advice. Depending on your specific needs, also consider reaching out to mentors or other experienced professionals in your network.

Keep Communicating

Communicate with your boss even if you're having trouble. Just don’t go "off the grid" if you get overwhelmed or don't know what to do! It is one of the worst mistakes I have see leaders make. Your boss may get frustrated, wonder why you just aren’t taking this assignment seriously or start questioning whether you really understand the importance of it.

If you're struggling with a boss who seems hard to please and doesn't give performance feedback, try one or more of these ideas this week. Even in difficult situations like this, small steps can start you on the road to big results – including more open communication in your relationship. Another resource that can help you is "Building Executive Presence" from the Leadership EDGE SeriesSM. You'll learn strategies to help others see you as someone who can move up and how to identify and correct detracting behaviors that might be getting in your way.