Why Your Underperformer Isn't Changing

Have you ever been frustrated with a team member who isn't performing as you need — and who's showing no signs of changing?  

I've seen this issue come up several times lately with my executive coaching clients. And I've noticed that as frustrated as leaders are in this situation, sometimes they aren't giving employees the honest advice and specific feedback they need to change. They might be worried about damaging the relationship, or they think that an employee should "just know" what to do.

You can take an approach, though, that helps the employee (and keeps your relationship healthy) while getting you better results. Here's the process I advise for leaders who are dealing with a "stuck" employee.

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Look at Your Mindset

Think about how you've been engaging with this employee. What role are you playing in the current situation? How are you enabling it to continue as it is? For example, I’ve noticed that when a leader starts showing frustration or micromanaging, it can put his team member in a place of fear and self-doubt. That can make it much more difficult for the employee to make change happen. What would help you get centered so you can address the situation in a more constructive way?

Set Clear Expectations

Sometimes leaders assume an employee should know, without being told, how to handle an assignment. Then they're disappointed when the employee doesn't read their mind and meet all of those unvoiced expectations. You'll do more to boost the employee's performance when you delegate with clear expectations. Spell out the deliverables, define their decision-making authority, and specify how often the employee should check in and any other key parameters of the project.

One of my clients has a boss who's discouraged by her performance but doesn't communicate expectations. He gives her assignments to test her capabilities – but doesn't tell her this upfront, or let her know what skills he's looking to assess or build. That approach hasn’t served either one of them well. He would improve his effectiveness if he communicated at the outset, "I'm giving you this assignment to see how you'll do and where I need to coach you, to help you be successful."

Give Specific Feedback

Think about whether you're offering the employee tangible, specific feedback. Are you communicating regularly about what's working and what's not? If you want her to make a shift in a certain area — say, being more strategic instead of tactical — are you letting her know this and explaining why this would help her succeed?

I teach my executive coaching clients a two-part formula for giving feedback. This approach gives the employee useful information she can take action on and keeps the emphasis on performance and results instead of personal criticism.

1. As objectively as possible, tell the employee what you observed her doing. Share facts without interpreting them.

1. Describe the impact of those actions. Your goal is to help the employee understand what she did and how it affected others. For example, did the actions she took (or didn't take) lead to a missed deadline? Misalignment of goals? Wasted time?

This week, apply at least one of these ideas to help a team member grow and improve. You'll find more ideas on giving feedback and helping your team members develop in Building a Strong Team, part of my Leadership EdgeSMseries. And you can get a sampling of the team-building advice from the WOW! Women on the Way to Peak Performance ProgramSMin the WOW! Highlight AudioSM. Start taking some small steps and you'll see big changes with your employee.

PS: If you're on the other side of this situation — dealing with a boss who's frustrated with you but not telling you how to improve — I'll have tips for you next week.

Are You Ready to Invest in Your Own Leadership Development?

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I’m always amazed at what high performers get done from day to day and week to week. In the flurry of it all, I typically find that they invest so much time and energy on business results and working with others but very little in themselves. If this sounds like you, when was the last time you stopped to think about your professional growth and investing in your leadership development?

Remember that we all need a little TLC. Let Valentine's Day remind you of the power of giving yourself what you need to thrive. As you think about the next six months, what would help you take your leadership up a notch? How are you investing in yourself? Remember that the solutions can be really simple. If you haven’t thought about this in a while, consider the following:

Engage the right people to help you. Whether it’s surrounding yourself with the right mentors or engaging an executive coach, think about who could really help you think and play bigger. I truly believe in the power of executive coaching. I don’t just “talk the talk” — I even work with a coach on my own leadership development and it has paid off exponentially. If you don't know how coaching works, check out these resources to learn more.

Carve out time and space. I offer my clients Leadership Breakthrough SessionsSM to clarify their goals and develop strategies at crucial times, such as the first 90 days in a new job or as they position themselves for the next level. This year, I carved out time for my own Breakthrough Session to set clear business goals and develop a plan for the year. And on a daily basis, I make time for a gratitude practice, where I take 5-10 minutes to notice what I am grateful for and what I am accomplishing. It helps me stay motivated and notice what’s working.

Add tools to your toolkit. I’m constantly thinking about how to help leaders get results in dynamic, time-pressured environments. If you're looking for simple tools and programs to build your own success, check out our online store. As I consider what’s next for Newberry Executive Solutions, I'll be leveraging some new tools myself as I aim to take my business to the next level in reach and impact.

This week, I encourage you to take a step to nurture yourself and your success as a Valentine's Day gift to yourself. Even a small step to support your leadership development can open the door for big results.

Career Mentorship: Give It AND Receive It

I firmly believe that using our skills, experiences and knowledge to provide career mentorship is a privilege. So it might not surprise you that mentoring has always been one of my passions. I am excited that I get to play out my passion in several ways – in my role as an executive coach, in how I use career mentorship to help others grow and develop, and through my decisions which range from how I focus my volunteer work, choose interns for my team, and the tools and resources I create for others.

In the spirit of helping others grow, I also serve as faculty and a mentor for the Women's Initiative Fellows Program of the George W. Bush Institute. Though this pro bono work, I get to play a role in the program’s primary focus: empowering women to catalyze change around the world. Talk about exciting! I have to admit that this experience is just as rewarding for me as it is for the Fellows from Tunisia.

I just returned from a trip to Rome where the mentors met with the Fellows to reinforce what they have learned in the past 9 months, and to prepare them to teach and mentor others as they wrap up their program. I'm honored to be part of this group of mentors who are serious movers and shakers, like Diane Paddison (a former global executive of two Fortune 500 companies), Judy Verses (President, Global Enterprise & Education at Rosetta Stone), Jan Langbein (CEO of Genesis Women’s Shelter) and former ambassador Kristen Silverberg.

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The Other Side of Career Mentorship

As I continue my journey, I recognize that I still need career mentorship myself because I'm at a different professional stage than when I started my business almost seven years ago. To think and play bigger, I need to keep inviting people with fresh ideas, experiences, and perspectives to help me have the kind of impact I want to have.

If finding mentors seems to be harder for you now than it was when you started out in the corporate world, here are a few tips on finding career mentorship. They're useful no matter your situation, but they're especially helpful for people who are midcareer and/or working outside of a corporate structure.

• Get serious. Maybe you had more structured mentoring relationships earlier in your career but have let those fall away as you advanced. In my situation, I have had mentors on and off, but as I focus on a new stage of my business, I know I need more structured career mentorship again.

• Be clear about what you need. Think about what you need for your leadership development or business growth at this stage of your career. Then look for mentors who have already have those skills and accomplishments and who can share their know-how with you.

• Take a team approach. Chances are, one mentor won't have all the knowledge and insights you're looking for right now. That's why it's helpful to think in terms of having an advisory board rather than a single mentor. Maybe one of your mentors has a long track record of starting businesses, another has relationship skills you want to model and a third has the product expertise to advise you.

• Tap your network. Now that you know the kind of career mentorship you need, you can look for the right advisers. The best starting point is your own network. Does anyone currently in your network fit the career mentorship roles you need? If not, can they introduce you to people who do? Because you've taken the time to get specific about what you need ("I'm looking for mentors who can advise me on repositioning a company for growth and product marketing."), they'll have an easier time connecting you with the right people.

This week, take a look at the role mentoring currently plays in your career. How are you giving and receiving career mentorship? And how does that sync up with your career goals and the support you need to meet them? How do you share your most important skills and insights? For more advice on career mentorship and other essential career relationships, check out my Leadership EDGE SeriesSM booklet, "Building a Powerful Network" or the WOW! ProgramSM.

Sharing Your Ideas as a Leader – In or Out of the Shark Tank

Have you ever watched the ABC show "Shark Tank”, where entrepreneurs present their business ideas to a panel of tough businesspeople (aka “sharks”) to earn their financial backing? And have you ever wondered what sharing your ideas in that setting would be like? I got to serve as one of the "sharks" during a recent YPF event inspired by the show. The group YPF teaches entrepreneurship to the teens of the Boys & Girls Club of East Dallas. Four teams of students developed business ideas down to the business case, financial projections, and marketing tactics. Each team pitched their ideas to panel of strong business leaders who fired questions at them and challenged them to think about what else they need to successfully launch their startup. As one of the "sharks" on the panel, I was excited to help these young entrepreneurs learn from my questions and feedback.

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Congratulations to the winning team, Sara Mike and Amber Lopez. Through this experience, all of the teens developed critical leadership skills that they'll use throughout their careers — skills you also need if you want to make a difference by sharing your ideas and creativity:

• Bringing your idea to life for others.Having a great idea is only the beginning. To get others on board with your idea, you have to help them visualize the idea and the problem that it solves as clearly as you do. Help them understand how your idea would work and the benefits it offers from their perspective. This is a key strategy in influencing others.

• Tapping into others’ expertise and experience.Chances are pretty high that you alone don't have all the perspective you need to fully develop your idea. Asking a few questions of people with diverse backgrounds can go a long way. How would others be affected if you brought your idea to life? How would they use your idea? What would make it work for them? What would make it a nonstarter? Get some outside perspectives to test and refine what you have developed.

• Knowing how good is good enough.It's easy to get hung up on trying to perfect the details about your idea before you share it with the world. It may never feel totally "done" to you, but if you take the time to follow the first two tips, it may be "done" enough to take flight.

This week, draw some inspiration from these entrepreneurial teens. Think about how to refine and share your ideas with more impact. What can you do to help others see the benefits of your idea? Whose feedback and perspective could help you fine-tune your idea? Who knows — maybe we’ll see you in the real “Shark Tank” someday!

Build Your Personal Brand by Claiming the Spotlight

You've heard me make the case for "tastefully tooting your own horn" as a way to build your personal brand. Well, recently, I got a chance to take this to a whole new level for myself – one way outside my comfort zone. At the tail end of 2014, I found out I was a finalist in four categories for the Stevie Awards for Women in Business.

Initially, I didn’t even consider going to the awards ceremony in New York, and the thought of stepping into that kind of spotlight made me really uncomfortable.

But then I had a change of heart during a conversation with my executive coach. As we talked, I realized the importance of raising the visibility of my personal brand. People who know me well know how much I care about having a bigger impact – to reach more people, give them valuable resources and make a difference. I realized that this would be an important step in that direction. So I bought a plane ticket and headed for New York.

I was surprised at how vulnerable I felt about the whole thing. After all, in a situation like this you are being evaluated by a panel of judges and compared to your peers. And not everyone goes home with an award. So, it was a big deal for me to show up at the awards ceremony, and it was an even bigger deal to take a friend along. I went into that evening figuring I had no chance at gold, and certainly no need to prepare an acceptance speech. The Stevies drew 12,000 nominations from more than 20 countries.

Early in the evening, though, things began to unfold differently than I had predicted: I won a gold award! By the time the whirlwind of an evening was over, I had two gold awards: Mentor and Coach of the Year-Business and Female Entrepreneur of the Year for businesses in my size and category. I also came away with one silver award and one bronze. Because I was seated with honorees from PepsiCo and AT&T, two of my clients, I had my own cheering section. By the end of the night, I was excited — and drained (in fact, too drained to go and celebrate that night in NYC)! When I got back to Dallas, my executive coach laughed out loud when I told her I “survived” my awards ceremony.

This story might surprise you, given how often I’m in the spotlight speaking and presenting and successfully coaching others on tasteful self-promotion. But being in this kind of spotlight was really different, and stretched me in new ways. I am so glad I went, and I urge you to find opportunities to step out, even if it makes you uncomfortable. Here's why:

• We all need to acknowledge and celebrate success. As high performers, we often push ahead to the next project without pausing to notice the impact of what we've already done and how many people we've affected. As I reflected about my company’s growth and performance, I realized how many lives we have touched and in what way. If I didn’t have to find a way to fit four awards in my luggage, I’m not sure I would have really noticed in the way I did that night.

• Increasing your own visibility can help others. To tap into your knowledge and strengths, people have to know what you have to offer! Look for opportunities to showcase your value, impact, and skills so that others can leverage and learn from them, and you can make a bigger difference.

• Being open to the possibilities can take you to places you never expected. I had to really stretch to put myself in a situation that might not have gone as well as I'd hoped. It has taught me lessons that will benefit me and my clients.

If you normally shy away from the spotlight, think about how you can step out more in 2015. Maybe it's applying for an award; maybe it's taking on a high-visibility role or project that scares you. Get motivated with my videos on self-promotion as a way to build your personal brand or the Leadership EDGE SeriesSM booklet "Strategically Standing Out." And remember, small steps can lead to big results.

P.S. Check out the full list of Stevie Awards for Women in Business winners.

What a Classic Rock Band Can Teach Us About Success

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Sometimes career inspiration comes when we least expect it. For me, it came from some classic rock. I got in my car and turned on the radio to the song "Don't Look Back" by the band Boston. Remember that one?

I was a huge rock fan when I was a teenager, so this was very nostalgic for me. I cranked up the volume and sang along.

Maybe it's because I hadn't heard the song in a while, or maybe it's because I was hearing it at the right time, but the song's lyrics really hit me:

Don't look back

A new day is breakin'

It's been too long since I felt this way

I don't mind where I get taken

The road is callin'

Today is the day

I can see

It took so long to realize

I'm much too strong

Not to compromise

Now I see what I am is holding me down

I'll turn it around

I think Boston got it right: There will always be something that isn't going exactly how you want. But everything that has happened to you so far, good and bad, has led you to where you are. And you’re exactly where you are supposed to be.  

Think about where your focus is. If you are dwelling on the regrets of the past, look for what you learned from those experiences and how that opens up possibilities for the future. On the other hand, if you tend to "fast forward" in your mind, try to bring yourself more into the present moment. It's great to make plans and look ahead, of course, but you don't want to overlook opportunities that are available right now (and that includes mini-epiphanies from listening to the radio!). Remember to be open to those little moments that re-energize you in big ways.

Three Kinds of People to Be Grateful For

Gratitude is one of the most powerful ingredients in your recipe for happiness and success. One thing that has really hit home for me lately is the power of having a regular practice to give thanks and appreciation. I started making that shift last spring when a couple of injuries derailed me from my usual activities. And I got a great reminder of what a consistent gratitude practice can do for us when I recently attended my first Tony Robbins event.

I've also noticed how a gratitude practice has impacted my son's life. We started out by talking every night about three things he was thankful for that day. He then started keeping his own gratitude journal. And let me tell you: This kid is on fire about gratitude. Even on difficult days, he goes to his journal and writes down the good things that happened despite all the stuff he would change. This has helped show him that even "bad" days aren't all bad, and he's able to end the day on a positive note.

I want to share a simple practice that can help you bring more gratitude to your life. Think about being grateful for these three kinds of people:

1. Your supporters and advisers.

   Who have you turned to again and again? How will you let them know what a difference they've made in your life? One idea: Positive psychology pioneer Martin Seligman recommends "Gratitude Visits" as a way not only to honor that special person but also to improve your own well-being.

2. Your high performers.

   How and when will you recognize and reward the people that deliver time and again? In the hustle and bustle of life, sometimes we leap from one project to the next without taking time to celebrate successes. Or we may take our high performers for granted as we redirect our time to underperformers who need more help to get the job done. Don’t forget that when someone feels appreciated, it can affect their engagement, morale and productivity.

3. The people who have tested you.

   At first, you may not see any reason to be grateful for your abrasive boss or difficult colleague who puts everyone on edge. But, whether you realize it or not, these individuals have taught you a lot about your values and who you are as a leader. I suggest writing thank-you notes (not to be sent!) to the people who drive you crazy. This practice can be liberating and help you identify the positives in a difficult situation.

When you express gratitude and appreciation to others, you’ll notice that it will give you a boost of positive energy too. Consider the three categories above and identify at least one person you will express appreciation to this week. A small shift toward gratitude will yield powerful results for you.

Give Yourself a Confidence Boost

Are you taking on a new or bigger leadership role in the coming year? As my clients as continue to step up and show what they can do, many of them find themselves in this situation. Although a promotion, stretch assignment, or new role can be exciting, it often comes with some performance anxiety. So, when a transition like this is happening, I find myself coaching leaders on how to boost their self-confidence. 

One of my clients will take on a new job over the next few months — and she's feeling a little nervous about it, especially since her predecessor won’t be around as an ongoing resource. If you find yourself stretching out of your comfort zone, make a list of all the reasons you will succeed and what you bring to the table. Even if some of the items don't seem all that consequential, write them down anyway. You might be surprised at the length of your list.   Remember to include your skills, experience and results; your understanding of the inner workings of the company; and the relationships you've cultivated. If you’re a woman, this list might help you step up even more. Research shows that women believe they should have all of the competencies required of a new role before they take it on, while men have more confidence that they can succeed in a new role even if they don’t have them all.  

Nine times out of 10, relationships will be the most critical factor to success in your new role. And, I'm betting, your relationship skills are one of the biggest reasons you got the promotion in the first place. If you're feeling insecure about the skills you'll need in the new job, take a look at what has worked successfully for you in the past (i.e., your personal best practices). And don’t forget to give yourself some space to grow in your new job; it's supposed to be a stretch.

Conveying confidence  

As someone who’s stepping into something new, keep in mind that people will pay more attention to how you show up when you first start but they will also give you some latitude. Having a strong executive presence can position you well because your confidence comes through in the way you carry yourself. Make sure your body language and posture convey your positive energy and that you have something valuable to contribute.   So, as you prepare for your new role, think about how you want to show up. What behaviors do you need to develop further?  

Let’s take a simple example. If you have a habit of taking copious notes in meetings, recognize that doing this in your new role might send some unintended messages: “I have a lot to learn” (I’m not ready for the role) or “Your opinion carries a lot of weight” (I’m giving away my power by deferring to your perspective).”   To be clear, I am not suggesting that you stop taking notes. Just do it in a way that instills confidence and demonstrates strong leadership. Show others that you are actively listening and value their perspective, while showcasing your own confidence and capability. In other words, pay attention to what you do and how you do it.  

This week, I encourage you to:

1. Give yourself a confidence boost by noticing the value of your unique strengths and accomplishments. Our Leadership EDGE SeriesSM booklet: Strategically Standing Out has more tips on how you can differentiate yourself.

1. Show up with confidence and capability. Take at look at our Leadership EDGE SeriesSM booklet, Building Executive Presence for ways to do this.

Remember that small steps lead to big results. So the small changes you make now to build and show your confidence will deliver big results for you.

The Gift of Time and Space

In the hubbub of your holiday season, I hope there's been room for one very important non-material gift you can give your yourself: the gift of some time and space to get clarity.  

I'm a firm believer in downtime, but that wasn't always the case. In my first few years as a consultant, I bought into the idea that it was a badge of honor to not take all my vacation time. Everyone around me left unused vacation days on the table.

Then I realized that was simply crazy.

So I started making changes. I began taking more of my vacation days, but often stayed plugged in while I was gone. When I felt that I had built up enough credibility and earned trust from others, I began to unplug more and more on vacation. I quickly learned that the sky wouldn't fall without me at work, and that others would willingly step up.

From there, I began to make a stronger connection between down time and how it impacted my productivity. I began to view my time away as an important strategy to boost my performance, and I started to communicate how much getting away and recharging helped me do just that. I continue to honor a practice I put into place years ago, work-free weekends.

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At four different points in my career, I also took extended sabbaticals when I faced major life changes. During those sabbaticals, I made a point not to think about the big decisions waiting for me when I got back. Instead, I focused on doing what I enjoyed most and what energized me. I'm convinced that this kind of down time, the kind that reconnects you to who you are, truly unlocks our insights and guides us to the right answers.

Today, as a mom and business owner, it's much harder to take off for an extended break. I'm sure you can relate. But it's still important to regularly take time and space for ourselves, and the good news is that it's achievable. Here are a few ideas.

• Schedule time to reflect. This is one of the best habits you can establish to increase your productivity and lower your stress. Start by scheduling just 15 minutes once a week to prepare for upcoming meetings and reflect on ones you've already attended. I'm betting that you'll see results quickly, which will inspire you to add even more strategic reflection time. Learn more about getting started with strategic reflection in the post "The Real Secret to Being More Productive and Effective."

• Make time for what you love. While you're scheduling reflection time on your calendar, also block out some time for what you love. Think about the things that give you energy — time with friends and family, a massage, exercise, meaningful volunteering — and make sure they get time on your schedule.

• Set regular practices. Keeping a log of your accomplishments or a gratitude journal will remind you to step out of the fray and think about the big picture more regularly.

• Need more time and space? Listen to your gut: Is it time for a more extended break like a vacation or sabbatical? Start planning now to make it happen in 2015.

How we give ourselves “space” changes throughout our lives, but its importance never goes away. Take a few minutes this week to think about how you can create some space for yourself both during the holidays and in the year ahead. (My Leadership EDGE SeriesSM booklet "Staying in the Driver's Seat" can be a helpful tool as you do this.) Whether you can set aside a few minutes or a few weeks, know that this investment in yourself will deliver big results.

Making It Easier to Give Performance Feedback

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Why is it so hard to give feedback?

I recently spoke to an executive who asked me about an issue that's probably troubled a lot of other leaders. She asked, “Why do leaders [at my company] continue to struggle with giving candid performance feedback although they've been given supporting tools and training time and again?”

It's an important question because feedback can make a huge difference in helping your people grow, and your company thrive.

I told her that no matter how much training people receive, it all starts with how you personally view the act of giving feedback. In other words, is feedback a gift that you give to someone or something painful for the other person to endure?

Mindset About Feedback

Let’s take a closer look at your thoughts about giving feedback. Which statements sound the most like you?

1. I worry that negative feedback will hurt the other person’s feelings.

2. I know how to depersonalize feedback by putting the focus on results and impact, rather than the individual’s personality.

3. I hesitate because I don’t want negative feedback to strain my relationship with the other person.

4. I see feedback as valuable information that someone should have.

5. Giving feedback takes more energy and effort than it is worth.

6. I don’t wait for annual performance reviews. I give feedback daily or weekly.

7. I dread giving feedback because of how poorly it has been delivered to me in the past.

8. If I prepare well, I can get more comfortable in giving feedback.

Feedback Tips

If the odd-numbered statements above resonated more with you than the even-numbered ones, you may be missing some valuable opportunities to help your employees grow through candid feedback. Here are a few ideas to make it easier for you.

• Reframe feedback as key to success.

Feedback works best when you approach it with a spirit of generosity. You're not being the "bad guy" by criticizing. Instead, remember that you're giving the employee valuable information to help her be successful. Wouldn't you be grateful if someone took the time to tell you what you should know – how you get in your own way, or the impact you have on others with certain behaviors? Convey to the recipient that this conversation is about setting her up for success, and that she may not be aware that she's doing something that could limit that. Presenting feedback in this way can put both of you at more ease.

• Use this feedback formula.

1. Describe what you observed the employee doing as objectively as possible by sharing the facts without interpreting them. 2. Describe at least 2-3 consequences of what you observed to help your employee understand the impact of her actions. This makes feedback sound less nitpicky by clarifying what’s really at stake. Your goal is to help your employee see that she has choices — and that there are consequences to each of them.

• Seize the moment.

Feedback doesn't have to take a lot of time or buildup. Get in the habit of sharing what you noticed right after you observe it. Even a couple of minutes after a meeting to point out what worked well and what would have been more effective can go a long way.

• Practice.

Giving feedback can be easier if you say it out loud before your actual conversation with the recipient. Ask someone you trust to role-play with you or to at least help you think through what might trigger your employee, based on how you've described the employee's personality. Anticipating the reactions the employee might have and how you would respond to them, will give you more confidence.

Giving feedback gets easier the more you do it and the more you see how helpful it is to recipients. If you usually feel uncomfortable giving feedback, challenge yourself to reframe it as something valuable, a gift. It will help you find the language you need to convey the intent of your feedback. You'll find more ideas on giving (and receiving) feedback in my book Show Up. Step Up. Step Out. Leadership Through a New Lens. Remember that small steps to improve how you give feedback can lead to big results, for you and others.

Don't Overlook Peer Relationships

As an executive coach, I work with a lot of high performers who are thinking about how to get to the next level in their careers. At the end of a recent call with an executive at AT&T, I asked him what factors he thought people overlooked or underestimated in their quest to move up.  

His answer? Peer relationships.

When people are trying to advance, the first place they look is above them, this executive explained. Whom should they be trying to impress? Whom do they need exposure to?

His advice is to stop looking up as much and start looking around. Your relationships with your peers might not come into play for you every day, so they might fall of your radar. But remember that they do affect your career progression.

This executive considers one measure of success to be whether your peers seek out your opinion and advice. It's easier to look good to the people above you, he points out. But your peers really know what's going on "in the trenches" and will certainly weigh in if you are being considered for a promotion, especially if they might become your direct reports.

He gives this advice for building peer relationships:

• Cultivating relationships with your peers starts with how you treat your own team. You can't get support from peers if you're not treating your own people well.

• Share credit broadly with your own team and others. When something bad happens, take the fall instead of trying to assign blame.

• Focus on doing positive things for your peers. By lifting them up and investing in building strong relationships with them, you will foster loyalty and support.

And I'd add these tips:

• Take the time to get to know your peers: their challenges, their pressures, their goals and what's important to them personally and professionally.

• Invest time to listen, problem-solve or brainstorm with your peers. Being able to offer an outside perspective can be invaluable to them.

• Look for what you can offer your peers. How can you put your strengths, values and experiences to use for them?

Consistently working on your peer relationships will pay off when you are being considered for a promotion. You can bet that your peers will get asked what they think of you then.

You'll find more ideas on strengthening your peer relationships in my ebooklet "Building aPowerful Network." It's part of The Leadership EDGE SeriesSM.

This week, identify one peer relationship you would like to strengthen and one small step you can take to cultivate it. Remember that small steps can lead to big results – and in this case might help you advance.

Fantasy Football: Time-waster or Team-Builder?

How is your fantasy football team doing? If you don't play fantasy football yourself, chances are you've heard colleagues who do talking about their lineups and trades at the office. The outplacement consulting firm Challenger, Gray & Christmas estimates (with tongue somewhat in cheek) that all the fantasy football talk at work costs employers $13 billion a year in lost productivity.

Does that mean that workplaces should banish fantasy football? Let's call a timeout and talk about the issue a little more.

Team Players

Fantasy football (if managed well) can actually benefit a workplace. It brings a dose of fun and positive energy, and it strengthens relationships by helping co-workers get to know each better.

Allowing some football talk at the office also sends a message that leaders are flexible and trust employees to deliver quality results without micromanaging how and when they work.

All of that is important because it contributes to employee engagement. Deloitte Human Capital Research concluded that workplaces where employees are engaged and thriving share qualities including autonomy and a flexible, fun environment. And when your employees are engaged, your business is more successful.

By the way, what I'm saying here about fantasy football also applies to any other nonwork activity that helps your team bond, whether that's rehashing awards show fashions together or trading info on Black Friday sales.

Playing Fair

Of course, there are a few things to be mindful of if your team spends time on fantasy football or similar activities at the office. Keep an eye on whether deadlines or work quality suffer. If productivity problems do come up, look at whether they're an issue for the whole team or just certain individuals. Finally, make sure that the people who aren't part of the activity don't feel overtly excluded.

If you'd like to explore this topic more, check out my radio interviews on fantasy football at the office on KURV (McAllen, Texas) and WHBC (Canton, Ohio). And you can find more tips on strengthening your team in my new Leadership EDGE SeriesSM booklet, “Building a Stronger Team.” Sometimes the little touches, like giving employees enough flexibility to enjoy fantasy football or other fun activities at the office, can lead to big payoffs in engagement.

Working With Men and Women

Think about these two questions:

1)    Are you happier working with people of the same gender, or would you rather work in a group that includes both women and men?

2)    Do you think the best work gets done in same gender groups, or groups that include both women and men?

A recent study has some interesting findings about both those questions, and those findings have implications for you as a leader.

Alike and Happy

For the study, researchers from MIT and George Washington University looked at employee data and survey responses from a professional services company with 60 global locations.

They found that men were more comfortable and cooperative when they worked only with other men. The same was true for women who worked only with other women.

In some ways, this makes a lot of sense. Men-only or women-only work groups have more common ground, and there's more of a shared sense of what "the rules of the game" are.

Diverse and Productive

But the same study found that offices made up of all men or all women aren't as productive or innovative as those where men and women work together. Bottom line: Gender diversity drives more revenue.

Why is this the case? When you're in an environment where people act and think alike, they're less likely to challenge things or bring different ideas and perspectives to the table. There's a lot of value in having different skill sets and different points of view.

So, What Does This Mean?

As a leader, it's your job to bring out the best in your group, no matter its makeup. The MIT/George Washington study sheds some light on how to do that.

• The study found that even if you don't have a diverse workplace yet, simply communicating that you value diversity is enough to make employees more collaborative and satisfied.

• When you are leading a group that includes both men and women, you'll get the benefits of better ideas and greater productivity that come with gender diversity. It also means, though, that you may have to do more team-building. Establish the norms and ground rules of the group, and help your people navigate conflicts or differences of opinion.

• Work on your ability to understand others' points of view, find common ground and communicate clearly.

• Always treat people as individuals and not based on stereotypes about their gender.

You can learn more about the study and my workplace tips on my YouTube page, where I've posted a radio interview I did on the subject — it's a hot topic! My challenge for you this week is to use these insights in your own workplace. If you work in more of a single-gender setting, think about how you can push yourselves to overcome "group think" and consider more ideas. If you work with both men and women, take time to listen and look for common ground the next time you find yourself in a disagreement or conflict. Remember that small steps can lead to big results. In this case, they can change how effectively your team works together.

The Real Way to Get a Raise (Hint: It's Not Karma)

It's been almost a month since Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella suggested that women who don't ask for raises earn "good karma," and the fallout continues. Nadella has apologized for the remarks, and now says he was "completely wrong." I agree! (Listen to one of my radio interviews on the controversy here.)

The upside of his remarks is that it initiated more conversations about the pay gap between men and women. Did you know that a recent Glamour magazine survey found that 39 percent of women ask for a higher salary when they land a new job, compared with 54 percent of men? The same survey found that only 43 percent of women have ever asked for a raise in their current jobs. For men, that figure is 54 percent.

Additionally, Nadella's advice to leave their pay up to karma may be sending some women in the opposite direction. Alexis Fritzsche, who works in sales in San Francisco, told the New York Times that Nadella's remarks are spurring her and her friends to ask for raises.

If you're feeling fired up to go after your own raise, I've got some strategies to help you succeed.

Why We Don't Ask — and Why We Should

Unfortunately, Nadella isn't alone in his views about women who ask for a raise. Researchers found that women get penalized more severely than men when they try to negotiate for higher pay.

That study shows that women's fears about asking for a raise — that we'll be seen as greedy, aggressive and not "nice" — aren't baseless.

But, at the same time, it's more necessary than ever to ask if you want the pay you deserve. Believing that "good work speaks for itself" won't get you too far in today's busy workplace. Even if your boss has the best of intentions to notice and reward everyone's accomplishments, she also has a lot of other demands competing for her time and attention.

How to Ask for (and Get) a Raise

Know your value.

You can't sell others on why you're a valuable asset unless you're crystal clear about your unique skills and contributions. Identify your key strengths and how they make a difference to the bottom line.

Share your value regularly.

Make it a habit to tastefully self-promote. You are not bothering people or being a showoff by letting them know what you've accomplished – as long as you do it in a way that is relevant and useful to them. As I said earlier, your boss is busy and may not know all the great things you are doing. Part of her job is to best utilize your talents, so you're helping her out by keeping her informed. Check out my video series for more ideas on the right way to self-promote.

Make it a win/win.

The way you frame your request is key. An ultimatum will put your boss on the defensive. Instead, communicate your commitment and your desire to provide value and feel valued.

Practice!

Your tone and confidence make a difference, too. Rehearse ahead of time in front of a mirror, especially if you know it's hard for you to ask for what you want, so that you can get used to hearing and seeing yourself ask.

Plan for obstacles.

Know how you might get in your own way during the negotiation and plan for that. Decide on what you will do if your boss says no to your initial request. What alternatives can you offer?

You'll find more ideas on the right way to ask for a raise in this Miami Herald article I was part of and this radio interview.

The good news is that the Glamour survey I mentioned earlier found that 75 percent of the women who ask for a raise get one. You can, too! Let me know if you use these strategies and how they worked for you.

Check In on Your Relationships

In October, we've been working with the theme of relationships. In our first post of the month, I challenged you to identify your most important relationships at work and focus on improving the ones that were a little rocky. How did that go for you? Using the approach below, let’s take a look at your progress:

• First, list the priority relationship(s) you wanted to improve. For example, maybe you focused on your relationships with your boss and with one of your direct reports.

• Next, for each person, jot down what has improved.

"My boss is taking more time to understand my ideas instead of cutting me off or multi-tasking when I speak." "My direct report has gone from complaining to me all the time to now beginning to offer some productive suggestions."

Remember, relationships take time to cultivate. Even small changes can be positive indicators. Notice what has happened as well as what doesn’t anymore. For example, you may no longer be having difficult conversations with the person.

• Then, identify what worked. The third step is the most important one. Here, list what worked. Notice the actions you took that improved the relationship. With your boss, maybe the difference-maker was engaging in strategic self-promotion or strengthening your relationships with her trusted advisers so they could share positive feedback about you (the messenger does matter). With your direct report, maybe you saw changes start to happen when you made the effort to find out what was important to him, limit the time he was allowed to vent, and help him remove barriers in the way of his goals.

By taking the time to notice what helped you strengthen these relationships, you will more proactively put these strategies into play. In effect, these are your personal best practices and leveraging them is a powerful strategy that many often overlook.

I hope that you'll take away some new insights on your relationships from our work this month, and I challenge you to keep investing just a few minutes each week. It doesn’t have to be time consuming, but your focus on relationships should be consistent. You'll find ideas on how to do that in my new Leadership EDGE SeriesSM e-booklets "Building Influence" and "Building a Powerful Network." And remember that small steps can lead to big results!

What Hillary Clinton Shows Us About Leadership

Will she or won't she? The intense speculation continues about whether Hillary Clinton will run for president. Recently, I talked with WBAP radio in Dallas about Clinton's leadership style. A lot of what we discussed has relevance to female leaders everywhere, especially when it comes to relationships, the theme of our posts this month. Today, I wanted to expand on that radio interview to talk more about what women leaders can learn from Clinton — and from how the public perceives her.

Beyond Competence

The foundation for any leader, from the head of a small business to the president of the United States, is having the baseline competence to do the job. Clinton looks strong on this front. She's been secretary of state, a senator and first lady. She's shown she can get things done, and she has weathered tough situations. Because she's been in politics a long time, she knows how this world works.

Besides basic competence, leaders also have to get things done with and through others. They have to be great at relationships. So how does Clinton do here? Through her past positions, she's developed a network of relationships that she could draw on as president. But how she relates to others could also be a stumbling block for Clinton in some ways.

Making a Connection

Leaders must be able to inspire and create a vision others want to follow. That's an area where Clinton has trouble, especially when you compare her with her charismatic husband (as voters inevitably will).

Another key quality for a leader is being someone whom others want to work with. Here, too, Clinton may falter. Her image is that she can be aggressive and unapproachable. This could affect her success working with other leaders.

That image also affects her relationship with voters. A leader has to have a style that people relate to. They need to feel connection with the leader. One big question mark around a potential Clinton candidacy is whether she can create that sense of connection with voters. Admittedly, Clinton, and all female leaders, get judged on this likability factor differently than men do. For example, male leaders seem to have more leeway to show strong feelings that would get a female leader labeled "overly emotional." Of course, that double standard shouldn't exist, but it has been and will continue to be a factor in Clinton's success as a leader.

The Takeaways for You

• Remember that leadership requires more than competence or "hard skills." It's about how you relate to others, too.

• Learn how to connect your agenda to what's important to others. Get to know them and what they value. Finding common ground between what you want and what they want will help you inspire them and win their support.

• Show that you are open to working with others. If, for example, you tend to shoot down a lot of ideas, work on your phrasing. There's a big difference between “There’s a lot that could go wrong with this idea” and “I really like Points A, B and C of this idea. And let’s also consider these other aspects…”

This week, see what you can learn from other female leaders and how you can apply it in your own career. Pay attention to what works and what doesn't for both the leaders you know and leaders such as Clinton who are in the public eye. You can find more ideas and tips like the ones in this post in my new Leadership EDGE booklet "Building Executive Presence."

The Key Work Relationship You're Probably Overlooking

This month, we're talking about strengthening your leadership by building your relationships. That topic may get you thinking about how you interact with your boss, your peers and directs, but there's another relationship that has a huge impact on your success — and it's one you may be ignoring. I'm talking about your relationship with yourself. The way you view yourself affects how you influence others.

The experiences of one my clients really drive this point home. Julie is in a new role, but is not new to her organization. She has a unique skill set and a lot to offer.

But Julie’s view of herself is "I have to prove that I earned this promotion."

Her belief really affects how she works with others. In tough situations, she feels that it's on her to "fix" everything. This keeps her from taking a more balanced approach, thinking about what she can do and expecting involvement from others. Indirectly, she's giving away too much of her power, which will make her a less effective leader.

The stories you tell yourself always affect your actions, even if you think you are keeping negativity under wraps. If your relationship with yourself needs some work, here are three strategies to try.

1. Send yourself the right messages. What does your self-talk sound like? Are you telling yourself to push harder, prove yourself or do better? Start by identifying one positive message to replace a negative one, to help you bring your A game. Another tactic is to notice your strengths and how they drive results. Identify some specific examples of how you have leveraged those strengths to make a difference in the past few months, whether it’s personally or professionally.

1. Check in with yourself regularly. If you can pause to really notice what's going on for you in the moment, you can act more effectively. For example, if, like Julie, you feel compelled to prove yourself in meetings, take a minute to notice your mindset before you walk into your next one. Take a few deep breaths to center yourself and think about how you want to “show up.” Remind yourself of the importance of shared ownership in driving commitment and results, and that you do have something valuable to offer.

1. Remember self-care. Taking care of yourself physically and emotionally isn't selfish. In fact, it's the most essential thing you can do for success. If you expect high performance from yourself, that requires getting enough sleep and exercise, managing stress, celebrating successes and feeding your spirit.

This week, notice how your relationship with yourself affects your relationships with others. Use one of these strategies to make internal shifts that can help you improve your mindset and performance. If this article hit home for you, you'll also enjoy my new Leadership EDGE SeriesSM booklets "Building Executive Presence," "Building Influence" and "Strategically Standing Out." All are filled with more ideas for small steps that can lead to big results.

Strengthen Your Leadership by Building Relationships

This month, we'll be talking about how to build strong relationships, an essential for any leader. As you advance in your career, your success becomes more tied to the quality of your relationships because leaders have to get things done with and through others.  

As we start this discussion, I want to challenge you to focus on cultivating your own relationships this month. Today, I'll help you identify your most important relationships and give you some ideas for improving the ones that are little rocky. At the end of the month, we'll check back in on what you accomplished. Ready to get started?

Your key relationships

Among key stakeholders in the company, who really impacts your ability to get results? Remember that their influence may be through formal power that comes with their position or informal power as an opinion leader in your organization. Make a list of these individuals, putting them into one of three categories: high, moderate, or low impact.

Next, consider their level of supportiveness toward you and your goals. Who is an advocate, who is neutral, and who could be a derailer? Confirm your assessments with people that you trust — especially individuals who can give you insight based on direct interaction. Once you have completed this exercise, identify who has a high impact on your results and is either neutral or a potential derailer. If you identify several people, choose 2-3 to focus on first.

It’s important to understand that some of these individuals may have formed their perceptions about you through others, not through direct experiences with you. For example, a few months ago, one of my clients learned that a key executive wanted her out of the company even though he had never worked with her. Through our coaching process, she turned his perception around by consistently demonstrating her value, building a strong leadership brand, and developing stronger authentic relationships with his trusted advisors. That same executive is now a strong supporter, although the level of direct interaction with my client is still minimal.

Strategies to improve rocky relationships

Now, armed with your list of priority relationships, how do you make the rocky ones better? These three strategies are a good start:

1. Have the right mindset. The No. 1 thing you can do to improve a relationship is to start from a place of acceptance. I realize that can be tough when you dislike certain things about her behavior or how she deals with you. If you expect her to show up as she always has, it will be less of a derailer in your conversation. Just contemplate what would happen if you approached her without expecting that anything will change, and with the assumption that she's doing the best she can.

1. Find common ground. Take the time to consider what's most important to the other person. Look for clues in how he invests his time, what he says and does. What overlaps with what is important to you? Even if you dislike each other personally, you can improve your interactions by emphasizing where you are aligned – whether it’s your passion for growing the business or interests you have outside of work.

1. Avoid triggers. Take a few minutes to consider the other person’s hot buttons. For example, if she gets defensive every time she hears "no" or other words that sound like resistance or disagreement, how can you rephrase your message? ("Yes, I understand, and let's also consider …")

This week, I want to challenge you to identify at least one high priority relationship and one step you will take to strengthen it. I'm looking forward to sharing more ideas and strategies with you this month, and to checking in with you at the end of October to see how your relationship-building work has gone.

You can find additional ways to strengthen relationships in my new Leadership EDGE booklets "Building Influence" and "Building a Powerful Network." Remember that small steps can lead to big results.

The Real Secret to Being More Productive and Effective

We're all looking for the edge to be more productive. And I have good news: Over and over, I've seen one simple technique make a huge difference for my executive coaching clients when they try it. 

If you're ready to step up your game from simply doing well to truly excelling, it comes down to creating time to reflect.  

I'll give you the same advice that I give my clients about implementing this practice: Start by putting just 10-15 minutes for reflection on your calendar. Use this time to think about the meetings you'll be attending. What do you need to do prepare? What do you anticipate coming up at these meetings? What does success at this meeting look like for you?  

Also take some time to review the meetings you've been to recently. What happened? What were the dynamics in the room? How do those things affect what you should do next? Who else might you need to engage, to achieve the necessary results?  

As you begin tapping into the power of reflection, the first step is to simply schedule the time to think on the calendar and protect it. To set yourself up for success, pinpoint the days and times on your calendar when competing demands for your time are least likely to pull you away.  

Start with scheduling 15 minutes of reflection time once a week; then work your way up to 15 minutes several times a week. Eventually aim to take an hour multiple times per week. As you increase the time you dedicate for reflection, also start designating how you will use that time. In other words, specify the topics you will focus on.  

From my experience with my executive coaching clients, once they start setting aside even a little time for reflection, they quickly see results like these:  

• They have a better sense of what success and their desired outcomes look like.

• They get more mileage out of meetings.

• They more effectively anticipate obstacles.

• They delegate more often, maximizing their own productivity and better leveraging their team.

All of those positive outcomes motivate them to set aside even more reflection time.

The key thing they realize, and that you'll realize when you start building in your own reflection time, is that when you're constantly in reactive mode, you're always a step behind. Taking the time to reflect and strategize is essential to being more proactive.

Today I challenge you to block out even 15 minutes for reflection on your calendar and to pay attention to the difference it makes in your week. Remember that big improvements in your productivity and effectiveness start with small shifts like this one. Ready for more ideas? You'll find them in my new e-booklet "Staying in the Driver's Seat." It's part of The Leadership EDGE SeriesSM.

How to Change How Others See You

Do others' perceptions of your leadership match the way you want them to see you? If your personal brand could use a tune-up and you aren't sure where to start, I have a strategy that will help you identify the shifts you should make.

You'll need to have conversations with three people, so start by identifying the colleagues, mentors and others you trust and whose opinions you value.

In each conversation, ask these three questions:

1. What should you start doing? Sometimes there are leadership opportunities that we have trouble seeing for ourselves. An outside perspective can help open our eyes.

2. What should you stop doing? These answers may be harder to hear, but it's important to identify the habits that make you less effective and that keep others from seeing your full potential as a leader. For example, maybe you have trouble letting disagreements drop.

3. What should you continue doing? The people you talk to may be able to tell you about things that you are doing well and that you should do more often. We tend to underestimate the importance of our strengths and skills, which keeps us from putting them into play as fully or as powerfully as we could.

When you finish those three conversations, you'll have some solid information to work with. To help you identify the ideas you should act on first, consider what you've learned about yourself in the context of what you want your brand to be. What are the three things that you want others to say when they describe you? (For example, perhaps you want to be known as decisive, calm and strategic.)

Now, look back at your "start/stop/continue" conversations. What feedback did you receive that will help you build the three aspects of your brand? Prioritize those actions.

This week, start putting your "start/stop/continue" conversations on the calendar. You'll come away from the process with at least one meaningful change that will help bring others' perceptions of you in line with your desired brand. To learn more about this topic, check out my new e-booklet "Building Executive Presence." It's part of The Leadership EDGE SeriesSM  and will give you more ideas for small changes that lead to big results in cultivating your personal leadership brand.