Making Awkward Feedback Easier

Whether you’re a new manager or veteran executive, there’s a certain kind of employee conversation that never seems to get any easier.

I’m sure you’ve been faced with it: An employee has a behavior, habit, or mannerism that’s giving people the wrong impression of her or diminishing her effectiveness. It’s not a performance issue, but it affects how the employee is perceived. And she probably doesn’t even realize she’s engaging in it.

I’ve worked with clients who dread these conversations and put them off. They’re worried that their feedback will be misunderstood, that they might damage the relationship or create needless drama. To help them take action, I remind them that as difficult as this kind of feedback can be to deliver, they are offering it out of genuine concern for the employee and a desire to help her succeed.

Here are three simple steps that can make these conversations easier.

1. Start with your intent

Remember that you’re having this conversation because you care about the employee and want to help her remove an obstacle that’s holding her back. You can always acknowledge that this is an awkward situation for both of you, but that it’s important to talk about the behavior. If you were in her shoes, you would want to hear the feedback. Expressing compassion and your own vulnerability can create a stronger connection in the moment and may help defuse the tension.

2. Communicate the impact

Help the employee understand her behavior by identifying it, providing information on when and where you’ve noticed it occurring, and sharing its impact. For example, maybe her sour expression surfaces primarily in long meetings with a key stakeholder group. Talk about the effect, from what you see or what you’ve heard from others. “I know this isn’t what you intend, but I’ve heard others say that your facial expressions sometimes leave them with the impression that you are resistant to their ideas.”

3. Be part of the solution

Offer ideas about what she should do more or less of. Sometimes it can be very powerful to ask the employee to focus on how she wants to show up in the interaction. In other words, by helping her identify what she does want others to notice or take away from their interaction with her (e.g., openness to ideas), she may stop engaging in the other limiting behavior.

After that, it’s a matter of finding tactics that work for her. That could mean using a visual reminder like a note with the word “open” on it, so she can see it during her meeting and pay more attention to her body language. If an employee is receptive to it, offer to help her monitor the behavior. That could involve giving a cue when the employee starts to engage in the distracting behavior during a meeting or setting aside time for feedback after the meeting.

This week, consider whether there’s an awkward conversation you’ve been putting off and decide how you will approach it with the mindset of helping your employee succeed. While it may be a difficult moment for both of you in the short term, ultimately you will find that it strengthens your relationship and builds trust in the long run. Remember, small steps lead to big results.

Had It Up to Here? Say Thank You

We are used to writing thank-you notes when someone gives us a gift or does something kind for us. But there's also power in writing a thank-you note when it may be the last thing that you want to do. This is a strategy I’ve used with clients and for myself, in both professional and personal situations. It has the power to produce profound insights and critical shifts in your mindset.

It might seem counterintuitive, but writing a thank-you note to a person who drives you crazy can be one of the most freeing things you can do. When someone pushes our buttons, irritates, or offends us and we know he isn’t going to change, we can fall into a cycle of frustration. Maybe you don’t like his values or how he treats people or even his approach to work.

But challenge yourself to think about what you have gained from being around him. In some way, this aggravating person has probably shed more light on who you want to be. His actions may inflame you because they bump up against one or more of your deeply held values. If your constantly critical boss is getting on your nerves, perhaps that signifies how much you value appreciation. Your thank-you note might read. “Thank you, John, for reminding me how important it is to give positive feedback and recognize individual contributions.”

Or, if you’re troubled by a selfish colleague, you might write: “Thank you for helping me notice that each of us is motivated by something different, and I need to keep that in mind.”

The key is to look for the positive in what feels like a relentlessly difficult situation. Perhaps your co-worker’s frequent outbursts have caused you to more proactively manage your own work stress, or your boss’s lack of professionalism has kept you in check when you were tempted to engage in similar behavior.

Remember that you don’t have to actually give your thank-you note to the recipient, and you don’t even have to keep it yourself (although it can become a valuable reference if you do). But do take the time to write your thoughts down on paper. Seeing your words in black and white will help you more quickly uncover what’s bothering you, identify the lessons in the situation at hand, and move on to a more positive place.

This week, take ten minutes to write a thank-you note to someone you find challenging to be around. You may be surprised at how much there is to be grateful for in a frustrating relationship or situation. And remember, small steps can lead to big results.

© 2013 Neena Newberry | All rights reserved.

For Faster Results, Slow Down

Does this sound familiar? You’re often unmatched at analyzing and zeroing in on the core issues in a situation and setting a course of action. And you can do this very quickly, often in a matter of minutes. You relish driving for results and achieving them efficiently.

This level of competence and self-motivation means you’re probably a high- performer in your workplace. But as I have coached similar clients, I’ve noticed potential pitfalls to being so results-oriented. For example, if you tend to skip straight to a decision without sharing much information about how you arrived at it, your colleagues may misunderstand your rationale and deliver results inconsistent with your intent. Plus, you may be missing out on their valuable insights or deprive your colleagues of the chance to learn from your knowledge and experience.

Here are three simple strategies to ensure that others are on the same page as you before you move forward with decisions.

Connect the dots.

Even if you immediately know what your company’s course of action should be, take a moment to show others how you got from Point A to Point B. What are your criteria for success? What factors did you consider as you evaluated options? What other options did you look at? And what makes your preferred plan the best way to proceed? These points are self-evident to you, but remember that others don’t have your knowledge and experience. Taking even five minutes to educate your colleagues on your thought process will not only help guide their work now but also help them make more consistent decisions later.

Read the room.

You may be excited about getting your plans moving, but before you do, pause to gauge your colleagues’ reaction. What does their body language tell you? Do they look anxious, confused, or frustrated? Look for nonverbal cues so you can determine whether you need to build more buy-in.

Solicit a response.

If people have questions, they’ll ask, right? Well, not necessarily. Because of your expertise, they may feel too intimidated to speak up. Or they might worry about looking foolish, especially if you’re their boss. Take the time to solicit questions and feedback, and confirm for understanding. Remind them that generating ideas is a mutual learning experience and that their input could yield insights that you would have otherwise missed.

Ensuring alignment between you and your colleagues can deliver big payoffs in short-term results and long-term staff development and engagement. The next time you are barreling ahead in your drive for results, slowing down a bit might be the most productive thing you can do. So, which of the three strategies will you focus on this week to get faster results? Remember, small steps can lead to big results.

© 2013 Neena Newberry | All rights reserved.

Little Things Can Say A Lot

As an executive coach working with high-performing leaders, I regularly hear candid feedback about my clients, often information that no one has shared with them. Over the years, I have noticed how managers can draw big conclusions about their direct reports based on the “little things” they do. Unfortunately, most people can’t see their own detracting behaviors unless someone points them out. Take a look at the examples below, note which ones you do, and the indirect messages those behaviors may be sending. If you’re unsure whether some of these apply to you, ask others you trust.

1. Nervous Habits

• Fidget with or flip your hair

• Shake your leg when sitting

• Tap a pen or the table

• Keep checking your phone

What these behaviors may tell others: You can’t focus, are nervous, or would rather spend your time elsewhere.

2. Presentation style

• Casually lean against something (e.g. podium, chair, etc.) when presenting

• Present seated instead of standing

• Let others take over or divert a discussion you are leading

• Focus more on detail than headlines/key messages

What these behaviors may tell others: You don’t understand the importance of the meeting, have the influence and capability to command a room, have confidence, or see the big picture.

3. Use of time

• Consistently run over in one-on-one or group meetings

• Spend too much time on topics outside the scope of the discussion (e.g., personal or business) before you cover the agenda items

• Have difficulty adjusting your approach when your presentation time gets compressed

What these may tell others: You lack time management skills, can’t manage your workload effectively, are not ready to take on more responsibility, or don’t respect others’ time.

Each of these behaviors should be considered in the context of your working environment, the company culture and what’s expected. If you engage in some of these behaviors, ask yourself (and possibly others) how they serve you or get in your way. That will help you decide what action to take, if any.

The point is to raise your awareness and make an intentional choice that aligns with your desired leadership brand. So, this week, ask others for feedback and identify one small step you will take to convey the right message to others about your capabilities. Remember, small steps can lead to big results.

© 2013 Neena Newberry | All rights reserved.

Is That Meeting Really Optional?

A theme has recently emerged with several of my clients. Some have expressed frustration when one of their direct reports misses a meeting that they consider to be important. I have also heard about this from the other vantage point, from my clients who have opted out of meetings like this when a legitimate scheduling conflict arises – and they just don't understand why it is a problem. Although it may seem minor in the grand scheme of things, remember that people draw conclusions about you from the small snapshots they see. They may not have time to explore what led to your decision, or to challenge their own conclusions about your decision, because of the competing demands on their time and attention.

So when you decline a meeting that your boss considers to be important, you may inadvertently send the wrong message – one that raises questions about your level of engagement, ability to manage your time effectively, or understanding of key priorities.

Here are three tips to help others take the right messages away:

1. Reverse roles

Put yourself in your boss's shoes. Even if you don't think missing that meeting is a big deal, your boss might. What is it really about for her? Perhaps it's less about the topics to be discussed and more about you showing your support, by making time to be there or contributing your valuable ideas. There is usually something bigger at play, so challenge yourself to notice it.

2. Clarify your underlying intent

If you decline a meeting, be sure to convey your underlying intent and distill it down to a few key messages. It could be this simple: you want to be there, you understand the importance of the meeting, and you are trying to balance it with moving another competing priority forward.

If you can't attend because you are spread too thin, then it may be time to reexamine how to leverage others or explore other strategies (perhaps with your boss).

3. Take responsibility for your absence

Have a game plan ahead of time, so that someone is prepared to share your input at the meeting and to give you a debrief afterwards. Sharing this with your boss may put her at ease. In some cases, your boss may want to be the person to update you on what you missed. Just be mindful not to create more work for her to do so.

I hope this article got you thinking about what you may be inadvertently communicating. Start by using the three tips as a checklist to help you notice what you already do well or may need to do more of, to send the right messages about your leadership.

© 2013 Neena Newberry | All rights reserved.

Put Your Coaching Skills to Work

As you know, I returned from ICF Conference in London two weeks ago. Now that I have had a chance to think about the experience a bit more, I realized how much change coaching can affect. Yes, I know it sounds weird coming from an executive coach. But as I sat in a ballroom of almost 1000 coaches from 58 countries, hearing example after example of how coaches have rallied together to help local communities recover after massive natural disasters, helped companies drive unprecedented business results, and collaborated to build coaching skills; I was truly proud to be part of the profession. It inspired me to do more and think about how I can continue to work with my clients and our local ICF chapters to think even bigger. So today, I want to challenge you to think about how you will put your coaching skills to work.

When was the last time you asked someone how you could help them achieve their career goals?

Throughout the years, I have regularly asked each of my teams what they want to get out of a particular project or experience, whether it was something work-related or a volunteer opportunity. Doing this allowed me to think more strategically about their development and how I could put my network to work for them. Many of you may have conversations about career goals as part of the performance management process (goal setting, mid-year, and year end), but I encourage you to revisit them throughout the year.

How often do you delegate with development in mind?

As you gain experience, certain aspects of your job may feel routine. So you may underestimate how much you can teach others about what you do and how you do it. The next time you delegate something, do it with the other person’s development in mind. How can you stretch them? How can you leverage their strengths? Asking these questions may shift how you position the work and how you work with the person to complete it.

How much do you advise versus coach?

Although there are times when people truly need your advice (perhaps because they don’t know what they don’t know), there’s so much power in asking thought-provoking questions to generate new insight. This can change a person’s perspective and the choices they ultimately make about the path forward. So before you think about jumping straight to giving advice, stop and ask yourself whether an open-ended question could be more impactful.

So, I urge you to put your coaching skills to work this week. Identify one step you’ll take to make a difference. And remember that small steps can lead to big results.

© 2012 Neena Newberry | All rights reserved.

Making It Easier for Others to Help in Your Job Search

Nobody really enjoys job hunting – especially in this economy. It may require some soul searching to figure out what you want to do next and working on your resume can be quite an undertaking. We all know that is just the beginning. The good news is that we’ve all been there, and are generally willing to help others going through the process. But I have realized that people often overlook a crucial part of the process - how to make it easy for those who have graciously agreed to help. I offer my perspective as someone who has helped others with their job search, recruited for large companies, and coached individuals through career transition. I openly admit that these four strategies are simple but they can make a big difference in your level of success. So, here we go.

1. Think through the process from start to finish

The goal is to make the process as positive and efficient as possible for the person helping you. So before you dive in, ask yourself:

• What information will they need to know in order to help? How will I give it to them?

• What do I want to talk to them about and ask for help with? Be as specific as possible!

• How much time am I really asking for, between the initial conversation and the time they’ll spend taking action afterwards? How realistic is that?

• How can I help them take action quickly after a call/meeting with them, before other priorities take over?

2. Keep your message clear

Clearly and concisely state the type of role you really want. That doesn’t mean you have to pinpoint it down to the exact position, but please be able to describe the elements most important to you. No one wants to spend 20 minutes trying to draw it out of you...really. Make it brief but informative, and practice out loud a few times. This seems so obvious but many people don’t realize how they waste precious time here that could be spent strategizing about potential jobs or contacts.

The other thing I see is people who don’t want to “limit their options” out of fear that they won’t find a job at all. So, they start talking more about the roles they would be willing to accept than the job they really want – especially if they think that ideal job may be hard to find. The end result is a diluted message and the person on the receiving end is wondering if they really do know what they want. So, figuring out how to help them just became harder.

3. Have concise, compelling written materials to support the process

Resumes don’t typically include all the information a person needs to refer you to the right people. So, consider creating a one-page personal marketing summary with your career objectives, a brief description of your qualifications and accomplishments, a description of the organization or culture that would be a good fit and a list of the companies and industries you are interested in. This will set the stage for the conversation.

After the conversation, forward a standard email message that the person can use to refer you to others. It should include the basics - who you are, what you’re looking for, and the appropriate attachments. This will make it easier for you to control the content AND for someone to quickly take action after your conversation with them.

4. Don’t just thank them. Ask them how you can help them.

Never leave a conversation like this without offering to help the other person. Just asking how you can help will leave a positive impression, and convey that you are more than willing to reciprocate.

We all recognize that job hunting can feel harder than having a full-time job, but it can ultimately lead you to a role you really want. So, the easier you can make it for others to help, the greater your likelihood of success.

Looking from the Outside In

I remember the first time I worked with an executive coach when I was a Director at Deloitte. It was truly eye-opening. People who know me well know that I'm a self-help book junkie and my own worst critic. However, when you're in the thick of the day-to- day pressures and demands there are some things that you just can't "see" on your own. It usually has nothing to do with your intelligence, but has more to do with whether you can find ways to "look at the situation from the outside in." Let me give you an example of a recent client, Suzy, a leader frustrated about an employee's subpar performance. She was convinced he had potential and was trying to figure out how to help him improve. I asked Suzy to explain in detail how she was working with this particular person. As we got deeper into the conversation, she shared that she was giving him recommendations, checking in with him daily, and personally investing a lot of her time. Nonetheless, she saw no notable change in his performance.

I asked whether she thought he had the intellectual horsepower and capacity to do the job, and Suzy immediately said, "Yes." Hearing this, I realized that Suzy may have some blind spots about the situation. So, I asked her a series of questions to help her "look at the situation from the outside in." These questions might come in handy the next time you find yourself in a perplexing situation:

1. What is your underlying intent in this situation?

"I want to keep this employee in the company. His technical skills and knowledge are valuable and hard to replace, and he has potential. I want to help him in any way that I can."

2. What is at stake?

"I'm relatively new in my role. If this fails, I will be viewed as a failure. It will take forever to find a good replacement. I have to make this work."

3. What messages are you sending through your words and actions, regardless of your intent?

Words - "I am willing to invest my time to help you improve. I am concerned about your performance but think you have potential. I want to keep you in this company."

Actions - "Daily meetings with him and sometimes his team, offering numerous recommendations, dedicating hours of my time to him each week despite other priorities."

Messages Conveyed by these Actions - "I don't trust you, so I need to look over your shoulder every day. I don't think you can do the job, so I'm going to do it for you. My way is the best way, so this is how you should do it."

4. If roles were reversed, how would you feel in this situation?

"Incompetent, embarrassed, like I'm about to be fired and should be looking for another job."

By answering these questions, Suzy realized the pressure she felt and how she was sabotaging her own efforts to improve her employee's performance. So, we took her insight and came up with a different approach - one that engaged her employee in the solution without micromanaging him. I'm pleased to say that she is finally seeing that potential turn into performance.

So, keep these four questions handy and find someone to help you objectively look at your situation "from the outside in."