3 Leadership Lessons from the Racetrack

I love fast cars. One of my most memorable moments of last year was racing on the Formula 1 track in Austin. There's nothing like 600 horsepower at 143 mph!

In many ways, driving on that track reminded me of the corporate world: zipping around at a fast pace, wondering whether the risks you take will put you in the lead or make you crash and burn, and navigating challenging twists and turns.

Are you ready to shift into high gear when the pressure is on in 2020? Here are three lessons I took away from my F1 experience.

1. Fill Your Tank

In a Formula 1 race, you can’t run out of gas. You need a game plan for pit stops. Similarly, on the corporate track, you must have enough energy for the long haul. 

Most people get this, but high performers often lose sight of their need to manage their energy — especially when they are going full steam ahead and navigating unexpected changes.

Some just try to push through, so one of the first things to go for them is rest. They convince themselves that they don’t have time for breaks, although research shows that high-quality two-minute breaks throughout the day can significantly boost their energy and productivity. One of the most effective breaks you can take is to simply breathe deeply for 30 seconds. 

Forcing yourself to sit for hours won’t help you get more done either, because your energy hits peaks and valleys in 90-minute cycles. If you keep draining your tank without refilling it, you just won’t make it to the finish line.

2. Lean on Your Crew

F1 drivers depend on a great crew to help them. In the corporate world, this translates to having the right support team — and knowing how to best engage them. No one tells you this point-blank, but after a certain point in your career, relationships matter much more than results — because investing in them is the best way to deliver those results.  

When you're in stressful situations at work, like navigating unexpected twists and turns or moving at a fast pace, take time to help people understand what happens to you. For example, you may take on a more directive, controlling style. However, that behavior may be more about ensuring high quality or helping your team during crunch time and less about mistrust or perfectionism. What do you want people to really know about how your behavior changes when you’re moving fast or dealing with uncertainty or change?

3. Focus on Where You Want to Go

On the racetrack, if you want to win the race, you can’t simply navigate each turn. To maximize the opportunity, you must focus on where you want to go. By doing this, you will position yourself to go much faster coming out of each turn. 

Similarly, at work, don’t let your short-term focus interfere with the bigger picture. Help people understand that you get what matters strategically. Where are you taking them over the long haul? And what’s the unique opportunity that you see in each twist or turn — perhaps a bigger competitive advantage that others haven’t noticed?

We all find ourselves in situations where we have to move quickly, handle unexpected challenges, and maintain enough energy to get to the finish line. Be more intentional about how you take care of yourself, engage with others and focus on the ultimate goal. You’ll be in a much better position to win the race.   

Whatever is ahead for you in 2020, you can find resources to support you on my website. From corporate programs to coaching to books and audio, you'll find tools tailored to your needs.

How to Stay Focused Before the Holiday Break

The fast pace of work seems to get even more hectic as the year winds down and the holidays get closer. You probably have more work to do than you can actually complete in a day, and distractions are everywhere. It's easy to feel scattered and that you aren't accomplishing anything meaningful. So today I want to share some ways to regain your focus and make the final workweek of 2019 a productive one. You can also use these strategies to get 2020 off to a productive start.

1. Prioritize the Right Work

The first strategy is to always focus systematically on what matters the most. In other words, focus on the “right work” — the work that will have the biggest impact on business results. That typically includes just three or four priorities. How clear are you about what those should be? If you haven’t recently identified where you should focus to have the biggest business impact, given your role and skills, take a few minutes to do so.

Raising your awareness about this will help you start making different choices about how you spend your time. You may be juggling a lot of balls, but are they the right ones? Make sure you take some time to evaluate that. 

2. Set Aside Reflection Time

During this hectic season, you need quiet time more than ever. Book an appointment with yourself to step away from your tasks and just reflect. Whether you're identifying the right work, finding ways to create more capacity in your schedule or preparing for what’s coming up next year, blocking time will allow you to be much more deliberate.

3. Shut Out Distractions

Also recognize when you need uninterrupted time to complete important work. Leave your desk if you think you’ll have too many distractions. You can go to a conference room or another quiet area of your office. Sometimes it can help to work a little bit from home before you come to the office.

4. Take Control of Email

Another big distraction is email. Put some more structure in place for how you manage your inbox. When I ask people if they get more than 100 emails a day, most say yes. And a lot of them get distracted by each email as it comes in because there’s a notification. So, regardless of what they are doing, they get derailed by an email that might not be that important compared with what they should be working on.

A great first step toward getting a handle on email is turning off notifications. Resist the temptation to constantly check your email. Instead check it at specific intervals throughout the day. 

5. Tell Others What You're Doing

No matter what strategies you use to stay focused, communicate them to others. For example, let others known about your new approach to email so that they know how to get hold of you if something urgent comes up at a time when you're not checking email. You might say, “Text or call me if it’s something that can’t wait.”

These conversations help others understand that you are taking steps to increase your efficiency, responsiveness and ability to get the most critical work done. It will get them thinking about your effectiveness and what they should be doing to improve their own. 

Pick at least one of these strategies to try and notice how the changes you make affect your productivity. For more tips like these, check out "Staying in the Driver's Seat," one of the titles in my Leadership EDGE℠ series.

One Overlooked Behavior That Can Destroy Your Brand

A positive leadership brand takes time to build, but it can also be quickly destroyed. Today, I want to share one of the ways that I see people at all leadership levels erode their brand every day. 

Picture this scenario. You’re busy, life is moving at a fast pace, and your days are full of meetings. You get an email. Before you know it, it isn’t even visible on your screen because so many other emails have come in. The message requires a response, but for you it’s already out of sight and out of mind. A week or two goes by and the sender reluctantly forwards it to you again. And the same thing happens.

I understand that you’ve got a lot on your plate. But, in your flurry of activity, how often do you stop to consider the impact of your lack of responsiveness — in particular, the impact on your personal brand? 

If roles were reversed, what would go through your head if you didn’t get a response to your email? Initially, you may make excuses for the unresponsive person, such as that he or she:

• Didn’t see your message or forgot to reply. We all get too much email every day. It was just an oversight.

• Is really busy. It must be a hectic week.

• Is out of the office traveling or on vacation and forgot to put an out-of-office message in place.

But, over time, you may draw some big negative conclusions about the person, even if you initially had a more positive impression. 

You might assume that he or she is:

• Disrespectful of your time. You don’t have time to keep following up on this. 

• Disorganized and doesn’t know how to prioritize or keep track of things.

• Overwhelmed and unable to manage time effectively. 

• Not someone you can count on. Responsiveness and follow-through are such foundational expectations.

• Definitely not ready for more responsibility. If something this small takes so long, what would happen on the bigger, more important stuff?

You may not agree with these conclusions, and some of them may feel unfair. But these are very real possibilities depending on how long you have behaved this way. Although you may have perfectly valid reasons for taking so long to respond, at some point the other person just won’t care why.    

Lack of responsiveness and follow-through are simply not what you want to be known for. 

If you struggle with these behaviors, start by identifying one small step that you can take to get on top of them. Remember that a little bit of structure can go a long way. That could mean taking 15 minutes to prioritize each day, organizing email into folders (high, medium, low priority) as you get them, checking email at intervals and adding reminder flags to them, delegating to others who can respond or take action on your behalf, or getting some non-essential activities off your plate. Whatever it is, just get started and hold onto that positive brand that you have worked so hard to build.

How to Set Yourself Up for Success

Over the past few weeks, I've shared a series of articles about taking stock of where you are, what you're really about and what you want to create for yourself. We've talked about getting unstuck, defining success on your own terms and using passion to overcome fear.

No matter what you're working toward in your life, there's one more factor that can make a big difference in whether you achieve it: the messages you hear from both yourself and others.

Talk Back to Your 'Gremlins'

Some of the most important words you need to hear will come from you – the everyday messages and stories you tell yourself. When you're making a change in your life, the negative voices in your head can really kick into overdrive. I call them our "gremlins." Your gremlins might be pretty harsh, especially if you typically expect a lot from yourself. Maybe you’re thinking about leaving your company for new opportunities, but your gremlin keeps saying, “You’ll never find a job that is better than this one. You’re crazy to leave this well-paid position and start over somewhere else.”

But it's important to realize our gremlins are notoriously unreliable. Usually they're just our fear of change trying to be heard. And they'll pipe down when you talk back to them. You can do that by reminding yourself of your strengths, your past successes and the positive feedback you consistently receive. Replace your gremlins' doom-and-gloom stories with more empowering ones. This takes practice, but it works.

Build Your Support System

No matter how great a cheerleader you are for yourself, you need support from other people, too. Get the right supporters by your side and let them know how they can best lift you up. Spend time with people who energize you, especially if there are other people in your life who drain your energy. You might even discover that you need to add more passionate, motivated people to your circle and let go of some people who leave you depleted.

And no matter what career stage you are in, seek out mentors who can help you with the goals that are important to you now. To think and play bigger, you need to interact with people who can offer you fresh ideas, experiences and perspectives.

Take a couple of moments now to think about the messages you need to hear from both yourself and others as you work toward your goals. What's one step you can take this week to either give yourself more support or to accept more support from others? As you consider this question, I invite you to explore the tools that Newberry Executive Solutions offers to help you keep building your success.

How to Use Passion to Overcome Fear

In my last couple of articles, I've talked about getting unstuck and living by your definition of success instead of how others define it for you. As you continue down this path, you will start to run into your fears as you put yourself “out there” to: 

• Go down a new path with an uncertain outcome,

• Solicit feedback you may not agree with,

• Try something new,

• Go for what you want in a way you haven't before, or

• Own the role you have played in where you are today

What Can Keep You Going

But fear doesn’t have to stop you in your tracks. From my personal experience and that of my clients, I've seen how passion can help overcome fear. This is not about simply sucking it up and getting through the situation in front of you. Rather, it’s about understanding what’s really important about the specific goal or challenge at hand. 

For example, it could be about doing the right thing, making a meaningful difference, proving to yourself that you can do it, being a role model to others or something else. By clarifying and tapping into the power of your underlying values and passion, you will find strength you didn’t know you had.

This helped me immensely as I launched my own business. In my last article, I told you about deciding to leave my executive role at Deloitte. I certainly faced my share of fear – of leaving a successful career and failing in my next venture. 

And the process definitely had its ups and downs. Just three months after I launched my company in 2008, the Great Recession hit. To work through my anxiety and fear, I frequently reminded myself how important the goals behind my business were to me. I was — and still am — deeply committed to the mission of my company: to help high performers, especially women, get results they couldn’t before. I was equally passionate about designing the kind of life I wanted, in a way that worked for me. I wanted to be a better parent and to have more space for other people and experiences in my life. Connecting to that a holistic view of what truly mattered to me propelled me through all the challenges and uncertainty.

Facing Fear Head-On

This approach can work well in your personal life, too. If you've read this blog for a while, you know that I have a sense of adventure, love being outdoors and love to try new things. But I also have a fear of heights. In the past year, I’ve used my sense of adventure to motivate me to do things that felt pretty scary: a doors-off helicopter ride in Hawaii going over 100 mph, walking on a tightrope 35 feet in the air in Arizona, and going rock climbing for the first time and rappelling off an arch in Moab, Utah. None of these were easy to do. While I did these activities, I had to focus on the unbelievable scenery and mountains – the part of it that I really loved – instead of the pounding in my chest. Each time I put myself in a scary situation, it gets a little easier. And I’ve started to see myself differently, as someone who can conquer fear in any situation.

This week, identify an important goal or challenge in front of you and what it would mean to you if you achieved it. When you focus on the power of your passion, you will start focusing more on what you want instead of your fear. This small but critical shift can motivate you to move forward in the face of fear – to achieve big results.

Whose Definition of Success Are You Living?

In my last article, I talked about how to work through situations that make you feel stuck.

As you break old patterns, you will create more space to think about what you want and to define what success really looks like for you.

Define Success for Yourself

At one time or another, we all feel pressure to fit someone else’s definition of success. Expectations can come at you from different directions and may even contradict each other. For example, your boss might view success as being responsive to what the company needs no matter what time of day or night, while your parents might define it as showing up to every one of your kids’ soccer games. Your mentor might expect you to focus on getting more exposure to key leaders, while your colleagues might expect you to be accessible to help them problem-solve. 

Yes, that's a lot! So, it's no surprise that you might be working toward a definition of success that doesn’t fit what you really want.

I personally experienced that when I decided to end my 14-year career at Deloitte. I held an executive position and had financial freedom — two common measures of success. But I felt out of sync with my true self. At the time, my son was two years old and the intensity of my work made it hard for me to show up in my life in the way that I wanted to.  I knew there had to be a different way to pursue my passion.

Whether or not you already know what's out of sync, the following two steps can help you clarify your definition of success.

First, ask yourself what really matters to you at this stage of your life — personally and professionally.  Priorities can change over time, so I urge you to think about this holistically. Be honest with yourself about what’s important: financial security, advancing your career, developing new skills, building a stronger brand, spending more time with family and friends, having kids, or simply having more of a “life” than you do now.

Second, describe what it would look like in action at work and at home. What kinds of things would you be doing that would indicate that you are focusing on what matters most to you and living the life that you want? What would be happening? Let your mind run with this and see what emerges for you.  

Take That First Step

After you clarify what success means to you, start moving toward that vision.

This can feel overwhelming, so keep in mind that you don’t have to change everything all at once. What would that first step toward your goal look like? For me, it was a one-month sabbatical to clear my head, get away from it all, and reenergize. During that time, I did a mini immersion in the type of work I thought I wanted to do next. 

As your priorities and definition of success evolve throughout your life, you’ll repeat this cycle — feeling out of sync, clarifying what you want instead, and making change. In my own life, I haven't always known what I wanted to do next, but I have always taken action to figure it out. This approach has led me down an unexpected career path where I made big changes every three or four years, quit my job cold turkey three times without looking for another job first, and then ultimately started a business three months before a recession. I know I couldn’t have imagined that career journey or what my life looks like now.

Through all of this, one of the most valuable things I learned was to define success for myself, and to consistently use it as my guide. And then, to just take one small step at a time.  

So, what will your first step be?

Are You Feeling Stuck in a Loop?

I want to thank all of you for your responses to my TWU College of Business Commencement Speech and my recent article "Are You Tired of Being Strong?" Both seem to have really struck a chord with people. I think that's because they speak to a question we all grapple with: Amid our hectic lives, how do we stay grounded in who we really are and what we really want to be and achieve?

Over the next few weeks, I'll take a deeper dive into that theme with some articles that will help you own your full Purpose, Presence and Power. First, let's take a look at what might be holding you back and keeping you stuck. Have you ever wondered why the same types of challenging situations keep popping up in your life? 

You might think to yourself, “Am I a magnet for this? Why does this keep happening to me?” What I’ve come to realize through my own and my clients’ experiences is that there’s a lesson you need to learn when you feel stuck – perhaps a BIG one that you’ll never forget. And then, even when you think you’ve learned it, a situation will arise to help you confirm that you really have learned it.

Today, I want to share three probing questions to give you important insight to move past your frustration. This may be obvious, but don’t attempt to answer these questions when you are annoyed. You won’t get very far! If you’re annoyed all the time, empty your head first: Get a pen and unload all of your negative thoughts — uncensored — onto a piece of paper. Remember to breathe as you do this. This simple exercise will keep your thoughts from swirling around over and over and will begin to create problem-solving capacity. 

Now that you’re ready to reflect, here are a few questions and examples to get you started:

1. What pattern exists in the situation?  

• I am carrying more than my fair share of the workload. 

• Others don’t notice or appreciate everything I do. They just don’t get it. I am not getting the credit, recognition or appreciation that I deserve.

2. What role are you and others playing in the situation? 

• People keep asking me for help, even at the last minute, and I don’t say no. 

• I pick up the slack when I see that a deadline is at risk. 

• I proactively jump in when I see an unfilled need.

3. What’s really going on for you? 

Regardless of others’ motivations, what positive intent or core values are behind your own behavior?

• I value my relationships, so I don’t make waves when I am frustrated. 

• I have high standards and don’t want to fail. I am not the kind of person who misses deadlines or does poor work.

• I want to feel valued and play an important role on the team.  

• I like to help. If I can help, I will.

It may help to handwrite your responses first and then talk though them with someone who knows you well, to see if you gain any other insight about yourself.  Just simply being aware of what’s going on with you is half the battle. By noticing your own patterns, you will start to open the door to making different choices in the moment.  Remember that you can’t control others or outside circumstances, but you can choose your own mindset, attitude, and behavior. 

To help you get started, answer this question: How can you honor what matters to you, in a way that works for you?  For most, this usually means setting some boundaries. You don’t have to lay down the law or completely overhaul your approach, but you can identify a couple of small steps to move you in the right direction. You’ll be glad you did.

TWU College of Business Commencement Speech: 'I’ll See It When I Believe It'

In May, I gave the commencement speech for the College of Business at Texas Woman's University. I'm a big fan of TWU and serve on the inaugural advisory board for its Institute for Women's Leadership, so this opportunity meant a lot to me. My speech contains a timeless message that I hope will give you a little inspiration and remind you of what is possible. (You can also watch the video of the commencement speech.)

I’ll see it when I believe it. 

A couple of years ago, I heard these words in a guided meditation I was listening to. They made me pause – especially since I was going through a really challenging time in my business and my life. I’m really passionate about developing high-performing leaders, especially women, and had come up with an idea for an app that I thought could really make some proven tools available to a much wider audience. For me, this was about impact. As I got further into the development of the app, I realized that my technology partner wasn’t the best fit for me or my clients. I was really frustrated because we were behind schedule, I had invested a lot of time and money, and it was challenging to get things done.

So I started using every strategy I could to manage my stress, including meditation. One morning, during a guided meditation, I heard these words: 

“I’ll see it when I believe it.”

 “I’ll see it when I believe it.”

That wasn’t exactly what I had been telling myself, which was, “I’ll believe it when I see it.” That’s what most of us are used to hearing. In other words, once I see the evidence that it’s true, THEN I’ll believe it.

Unfortunately, that focus on seeing something tangible first puts you in a place of judging and evaluating instead of seeing the possibilities that could be right in front of you.  

I’ll see it when I believe it. 

Where those words took me was to a place of putting aside sunk costs – the time and money that I had already invested– and thinking about what I should do now. It was just what I needed to shift my direction and move forward.

I’ll see it when I believe it shows up in so many ways. 

I didn’t realize how much this was part of my own belief system. It had been engrained in me over the years through my parents. As young children, my parents left everything behind during the partition of India, which displaced over 14 million people along religious lines. When my brother and sister were little, my parent migrated to England to seek better medical care for my sister, who had been born with some severe health issues. My dad, a man with two master’s degrees, worked nights at an ice cream factory to earn money and interviewed for teaching jobs during the day. 

When I was 9, we relocated to the U.S. The racial discrimination we experienced in England was enough for my parents to decide a big change was necessary. They sought a better life for all of us. They didn’t know how it would all turn out, but they truly understood the power of first believing that what you want is possible – that you can do it. My parents had picked up and started over and over and succeeded.

I’ll see it when I believe it.

I remember when I started college, I was so sure I wanted to be a doctor. And then I took chemistry. I’m not sure I have words for how that subject made me feel. Maybe just draining sound effects would be better! Taking that one class and seeing my brother going through medical school made me stop and re-evaluate. How badly did I want this? Was I passionate enough about this to go through years of school and then have piles of debt at the end?  So here I was asking myself, “Now what?” And I remember freaking out a bit because I hadn’t contemplated anything different up until this point. But I believed I could figure it out. 

Looking back, I’ve seen my career unfold in ways I couldn’t have imagined. Although I worked at Deloitte Consulting for 14 years, it wasn’t a straight path. I left after 3 1/2 years, got recruited back, worked in three different consulting groups, and when the choice to become a partner was in front of me, I left consulting altogether to move into Human Resources. And then a few years later, in 2008, as an HR executive, I decided to walk away from it all to start my own leadership development company. Little did I know that in three short months, the economy would take a complete nosedive. Nonetheless, 11 years later, I still love what I do. I get to effect change and help people really believe in themselves. It was all worth it.

I’ll see it when I believe it.

You may think that you should have everything figured out, and that everybody else already has. It can feel like you’re the only one who hasn’t. But I’ll tell you that even the high performing leaders that I coach at Fortune 50 companies don’t have things figured out all the time. 

So, what I want to leave you with today is my perspective on how to cultivate a philosophy of I’ll see it when I believe it in your own life.

In the work I do with women leaders, most of them really want to make a difference. In fact, sometimes that passion motivates them far more than getting a bigger paycheck or title. But when I start to ask them about their strengths and the value they uniquely bring, it’s usually met with exhausted sound effects — like my experience with chemistry. The humility that most of them have been socialized with kicks in.  

But when I explain how noticing your own strengths and how you consistently get results is the first step to helping others develop those same skills, they get a lot more engaged. Many of them think what they’re doing isn’t anything special and that others can just as easily do it. They’re just doing their jobs or doing what’s expected. 

When I hear that, I challenge them to look around them. What does the evidence tell you? How many people can easily do what you do? 

If you keep minimizing what you bring to the table, you’ve missed a huge opportunity to have a bigger impact.

One of my favorite exercises is to have people answer the following question:  

If someone were to describe you to someone else, what are the top three things you would want them to say about you? 

And then dig a little deeper:

What do you say or do that reinforces those three things? 

And what’s the impact of those three things? In other words, why should anyone care? What can you do that others can’t easily do?

Maybe your “can-do” attitude, even in the most challenging situations, inspires others to be part of the solution rather than digging their heels in and saying we can’t do it. Maybe you can sift through a lot of information, connect the dots in ways that others can’t, and distill invaluable insights.

I had a client a few years ago who was at a transition point in her career and was trying to figure out her next step. As we talked, she told me that she had come across her dream job. I was really excited for her and asked her when she was going to apply for it. She hesitated, telling me that they wouldn’t be interested in her for that position. I was really surprised, given what I knew about her. So, I asked her to tell me all the ways that she was uniquely qualified for the position, no matter how big or small the qualification.  She proceeded to rattle off a lengthy list off the top of her head. At the end of it, I asked her to tell me how she felt now. And she said, “Wow, I’m kind of a big deal!” We both laughed. 

Sometimes you have to just stop and notice. I’m sure each of you are a big deal in your own way. 

I’ll see it when I believe it.

You will see amazing things happen – in your own life and in the lives of people and organizations that you touch – when you believe you have unique talents and strengths.

I’ll see it when I believe it. 

These are words to live by and I hope they inspire you to see how much opportunity you have in front of you. Class of 2019, congratulations! I can’t wait to see the impact you’re going to have when you really believe that you can.

Are You Tired of Being Strong?

Over the years, people have consistently told me how strong I am. It’s always left me wondering, “Is that a good thing or a bad thing?”

Well, let’s just say it’s a mixed bag. Being strong and capable has served me well but, at times, has been a huge point of frustration. Today I want to share a little of my personal journey because I know some of you strong, reliable, “never-let-a-ball-drop” women may be going through something similar. 

On the positive side, being strong and capable has helped me work through tough situations, take risks, go for what matters to me and show that I bring something valuable to the table. On the negative side, I regularly feel the weight of life and the fatigue that comes with always being strong and being the person that everyone can count on.  

Wouldn’t it be nice if life were a bit easier?  

Well, I’ve decided that it has to be easier. So I’ve been working to better understand my own role in creating this situation. My biggest epiphany was realizing how much I have been tolerating for years, without anyone really knowing that I have been – including me. It’s amazing the insight you gain when you truly start opening yourself up to the possibility that there’s something you really need to see, learn or do differently to move forward.  

As I began to seek new information, I noticed my recurring fatigue and pain. This led me to ask, “What am I missing? What do I need to learn?” From these questions, I began to see the physical and emotional signs that I had been ignoring for years. Maybe you have some too? Whether you realize it or not, these signs hold invaluable insight. What chronic or recurring aches and pains do you have in your body, whether it’s back pain, headaches or something from an injury? How often do you find yourself surprised by the magnitude of your reaction to certain types of situations? The signs are all around us, but are you noticing or ignoring yours? And what are they telling you?

As I started on this journey, I enrolled in a somatic coaching class. This type of coaching is all about giving you access to your full intelligence — intellectual, emotional and physical. In Western society, we often over-emphasize intellect and ignore the rest. So I want to encourage you to get in tune with your body. It holds more wisdom than you realize. Somatic coaching has been very powerful for me personally and as I help others move past roadblocks with this approach.

For those of you running around out there in back-to-back meetings or activities in the flurry of life, start by just taking five minutes a day to simply pause and notice. How are you feeling emotionally? How does your body feel? Where does it hurt? What does all of this tell you? What do you need right now?

For me, guided meditations have become a good way to reflect. As a very physically active person, taking the traditional approach to meditation by sitting still was really hard. So I had to start by doing it my way – listening while I’m running outside. That approach has worked well, but I have also come to realize the power of just being and breathing. I don’t meditate that way very often but when I do, it’s powerful. Today was one of those days. 

Here are the words that came up for me in the silence. I think they may resonate with you:

Lighten the load.

Let go of the burden.

You are loved and cared for anyway.

Bring playfulness back into your life.

Just play.

Enjoy life.

So, today, I want to challenge all of you women running around out there over-delivering and wondering how you can keep this up, or if you even want to. Yes, I’m talking to those of you who are taking care of everyone else before you take care of yourself or tolerating less than you deserve. Lighten your load. Do something for yourself today. You deserve it. Nothing is going to fall apart. You’ve already made sure of that.

And I’m right here in your corner, cheering you on.

Tapping Your Network: The Unwritten Rules

Maintaining a strong network is one of the most essential skills for leaders. Yet I frequently see even savvy professionals making some avoidable mistakes when they need help from someone in their network. That's why I wanted to wrap up my series of articles on the unwritten rules of work with this topic. 

People often hesitate to reach out to someone in their network because they don't want to bother them or they feel uncomfortable asking for help. Most people, however, are happy to help. I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t feel good knowing that their expertise, experience or perspective made a positive difference for someone else. When you give someone an opportunity to contribute like this, they may become an even stronger ally for you – as long as you keep a few key things in mind.

Be Clear in Your Request

All of us are busy and the person you are approaching is no exception. Explain very clearly why you're getting in touch. (This is one practice that distinguishes high performers from others.) Let's say you have an upcoming job interview in a business unit where your contact previously worked, and you want their thoughts about this job opportunity. Your initial email should say much more than, "I would love to catch up soon if you're free." 

Mention any time sensitivity to avoid any delays and let them know what kind of help you need. For example, do you just want them to answer some questions about their past experiences? Do you want them to introduce you to someone or to put in a good word for you? Clarify what you need and when, to help them prepare and to maximize your time and theirs during the conversation. You will do wonders to maintain a good relationship when you show respect for their time (with actions, not just words) and make it easy for them to help you.

Show Interest in Them

Even though you reached out for help, the conversation doesn’t have to be one-sided. You can reinforce your interest in the other person in several ways.  Actively engage in the conversation and ask about what’s going on in their world, personally and professionally. Whether they need any support or not, simply asking, “What can I do to help you?” can set a positive tone. It conveys the importance of the relationship and that they're not just a resource for getting what you want.

Don't Leave Them Hanging

After your meeting, take one more step to strengthen your relationship with your contact. A lot of people overlook this opportunity. This goes beyond sending a thank-you note for their time and advice. Let your contact know how the situation unfolded after your conversation. For example: "Our meeting really helped prepare me for the interview. I felt so much more confident. I expect to hear back from the hiring manager next week."  Some people hesitate to follow up because they are busy or they don’t want to take up any more of their contact's time. But the last thing you want your contact to think is that they gave you their time and you didn’t have the courtesy to follow up. Most people will feel gratified to hear that the time they spent with you was worthwhile and made a positive impact.

Finally, remember to stay in touch. Don't wait until the next time you need something to approach your contact again. This doesn't have to be time-consuming. Take simple steps like forwarding articles, sharing news and events you think they would be interested in, adding thoughtful comments to their social media posts, or making meaningful introductions. Investing in maintaining the relationship can make networking feels much more authentic.

You can find more strategies like these in "Building a Powerful Network," one of the titles in my Leadership EDGE Series.℠

And if you'd like to read more on the unwritten rules of work, check out the past installments in this series: 

• The unwritten rules about speaking up in meetings

• The unwritten rules about professional appearance

• The unwritten rules of flexible schedules

• The unwritten rules of what you do vs. how you do it

• The unwritten rules of asking vs. informing

• The unwritten rules of pushing back diplomatically

If you have questions about other unwritten rules at work, please don't hesitate to drop me a note. 

How to Push Back Diplomatically: The Unwritten Rules

You're at a meeting and a leader more senior than you is proposing a timeline for an important upcoming project. When he asks if anyone has objections to his plan, you aren't sure what to do.

You definitely have some objections. The timeline he's suggesting is next to impossible for your group.

But he is much higher in the corporate hierarchy than you are. Everyone else is saying they can make his plan happen. You don't want to seem like the only person who isn't getting board.

So should you speak up or not?

This is one of the trickiest situations you can face as a leader. And that's why I wanted to address it as part of my series of articles on the unwritten rules of work.

Speaking Up Vs. Being a Team Player

In a scenario like the one I described above, some of your key values and priorities might feel at odds with each other.

You've probably risen as far in your organization as you have based at least in part on your ability to show respect and be a team player.

But as you advance as a leader, there's also a growing expectation that you will be willing to speak hard truths for the good of the business, even when there's some risk to you in doing so.

There's no definitive answer on when to take a stand and when to get on board with a plan despite your concerns.

But I've seen through my work as an executive coach that most people worry more about the consequences of speaking up than those of staying silent.

The Risks of Staying Silent

Not sharing your objections can feel like the safer option. But it has its own set of risks for your personal brand as a leader. If you never push back, others will start asking questions like these about your leadership:

• Can I trust you to tell me what I need to know even if it's going to be hard for you to do it?

• Are you a thought leader or a follower? Do you just go along with the crowd?

• Will you do the right thing even when it isn't easy?

• Are you afraid of conflict? Do you know how to handle disagreement?

Take a moment now to reflect on whether you avoid pushing back. It can also be helpful to ask for feedback from peers you trust. What they notice about your behavior might surprise you!

How to Disagree and Be Heard

If you'd like to become more comfortable voicing disagreement, the first step is often simply to remind yourself that this is part of your job. In my article about the unwritten rules about speaking up at meetings, I talked about the fact that you're "at the table" because you have insights to offer, even if you're the most junior person in the room. 

The same thing is true when it comes to pushing back. You're expected to use your experience and expertise to keep the business headed in the right direction, even when that means sounding alarm bells about what you believe is an impending mistake.

Remember, too, that disagreeing doesn't have to mean being disagreeable. You can still show that you are respectful and a team player even as you voice objections. Here are a few tips on how to do that.

• Pay attention to what pushing back looks like in the culture of your office. What do you notice about how other successful leaders handle disagreement?

• Frame your disagreement to show that it's rooted in what's best for the organization and that it isn't personal.

• Communicate your objections in a way that shows you are listening to the opposing camp, that you respect them and that you are willing to work with them to find a solution.

Some leaders feel that it's more diplomatic to push back behind the scenes instead of in the middle of the meeting. But this tactic has its own risks.

If you're always "working the back channel," you could be seen as playing politics or pursuing your own agenda. And if others don't see you taking a stand, they could still assume that you're a pushover.

Taking a stand when you disagree is no guarantee that you will get others to change course. But by confidently and diplomatically raising your concerns, you are still building your brand as a leader.

You can find more strategies like these in "Communicating With Impact," one of the titles in my Leadership EDGE Series.℠

And if you'd like to read more on the unwritten rules of work, check out the past installments in this series: 

• The unwritten rules about speaking up in meetings

• The unwritten rules about professional appearance

• The unwritten rules of flexible schedules

• The unwritten rules of what you do vs. how you do it

• The unwritten rules of asking vs. informing

If you have questions about other unwritten rules at work, please don't hesitate to drop me a note. I may answer your question in an upcoming blog article.

Asking Vs. Informing: The Unwritten Rules for Leaders and Managers

After a promotion at work, there’s so much to think about. One of the most important things to remember is that the workplace behaviors that got you where you are may not be the ones that will help you keep moving forward.

That’s especially true when it comes to your communication style, particularly around decision-making. All too often, I see new managers or leaders undermine their credibility by continuing to ask permission on decisions as if they are still in their previous role.

Why is this such a big deal? Regularly asking for permission conveys that you lack confidence. And that, in turn, leads to others losing confidence in your ability to lead.

The solution? Shifting from asking to informing. This is one of those “unwritten rules” of work. It doesn’t get talked about a lot, but it makes a big difference in how effective a leader is. Whether you're navigating a new leadership role yourself or you’re managing or mentoring someone who's just gotten promoted, understanding this unwritten rule is essential.

What's the Difference Between Asking for Permission and Informing?

At first glance, the distinction might seem subtle, but the impact on a leader’s personal brand can be significant. Read these two statements and notice your gut reaction to each one.

• I've explored several options, and I have identified the best one to resolve our budget issue. Are you OK with it? Can I move forward?

• I've explored several options, and I'm confident that I have identified the best one to resolve our budget issue. I'll move forward with this unless you have any major concerns.

While both messages convey the same basic information, the tone and implied confidence levels are very different. The first scenario positions the asker as seeking approval, which potentially undermines their authority. The second demonstrates their capability to make decisions while still respecting the organizational hierarchy.

The Risks of Too Much Asking

It's common for newly promoted leaders to err on the side of caution by frequently asking for permission. This behavior comes from a positive place. The asker may want to show deference to the leaders above them or demonstrate that they are open and collaborative. This can be a good approach in some situations. But when asking is overused, it can backfire. Constantly seeking approval before acting can have several negative consequences:

• Damaged credibility. Others may start to wonder whether the leader can, in fact, make independent decisions. Team members might even start going around them to the "real" decision-maker.

• Entrenched micromanagement. Constantly asking a micromanager for permission just adds fuel to the fire of their unproductive behavior.

• Stalled progress. Waiting for approval on every decision can slow down processes, hurt productivity and lead to missed opportunities.

How to Shift from Asking to Informing

Whether you’re the one who needs to inform more and ask less or you’re helping a team member through this transition, here are some strategies that can help. You can use these steps yourself or make them part of coaching conversations with your team member

• Reflect. Think about your recent interactions. How often did you ask for permission around decisions instead of simply informing others?

• Pause before asking. When you're about to ask for permission, stop and consider whether the decision falls within your authority. If it does, how can you rephrase your communication to inform rather than ask?

• Provide clear rationale. When informing others of your decisions, concisely explain your logic. This demonstrates that you understand the big picture and that you've thought through the implications.

• Express confidence. Use language that conveys your confidence in your decision-making ability.

• Invite feedback judiciously. Instead of asking for permission, you might say something like, "Unless you have any major concerns, I'll proceed with this approach."

Examples of Informing Statements

What does it sound like to inform others while maintaining your respect for their role? Here are some phrases that demonstrate both consideration and decision-making capability:

• I've analyzed the situation and determined the best course of action. I'll move forward with this plan unless you see any significant issues I might have overlooked.

• Given our current priorities, I've decided to allocate resources as follows ... Please let me know if you need any clarification on this approach.

• After careful consideration, I'm confident this is the right direction for our team. I'll begin implementation next week and keep you updated on our progress.

• I know we have a lot going on, and I want to be respectful of your time. I've done the groundwork, feel good about the direction, and am ready to move forward.

Supporting Your Team's Growth

If you're managing someone who's recently been promoted, you can play a crucial role in helping them start informing more and asking less. This is beneficial for both of you. Your team member will improve their ability to communicate with confidence and impact. And you’ll free up more time in your day when you don’t have to sign off on all of their decisions.

Here are some ways that you can support their growth and independence:

• Set clear expectations. Let your team member know that you expect them to make decisions within their scope of authority.

• Provide feedback. When they ask for your permission unnecessarily, talk about how they could have informed instead and what they can do in a similar situation next time.

• Delegate for development. Give them chances to make decisions on their own and support them, even if the outcome isn't perfect.

• Set an example. Demonstrate informing (rather than asking) in your own interactions with your superiors.

• Spark reflection. Encourage them to think about how their communication style affects how others perceive them as a leader.

Developing Leadership Skills: What's Next?

Mastering the art of informing rather than asking permission projects confidence, demonstrates decision-making competence, and establishes leadership credibility. But honing a new communication style is just one of the many adjustments involved in taking on a new role.

If your organization is looking for innovative ways to support and train new leaders and managers, I invite you to explore Newberry Solutions’ New Lens® learning platform. New Lens is a Capability Academy that focuses on core leadership strategies — like impactful communication — that have helped over 75% of our clients in Fortune 500 companies get promoted. To schedule a demo or learn more, visit https://www.newlensleadership.com. You can also join in the conversation about this article on my LinkedIn page. Share the communication strategies that worked for you as a new manager or leader, and let me know if there are more unwritten rules of leadership that you’d like me to cover in an upcoming blog article.

The One Unwritten Rule You Must NEVER Forget

Over the past several weeks, we've been talking about the unwritten rules of business. The rule I want to talk about today is one of the simplest, yet one of the most underestimated. And the consequences of breaking this one are long-lasting.

What is it? Always take the high road when you talk about others, no matter how tempted you might be to do otherwise. It doesn’t matter if others around you aren’t taking the high road or if you can play off your comments as a joke. Anything but taking the high road can put your credibility and your leadership brand at risk.

The Temptation to Talk About Others

I know it’s not always easy, given the types of situations you might find yourself in:

• You're in a group setting. The conversation turns to a difficult person on another team whom you work closely with. You've had some tough challenges with that person, and you sense this group would be sympathetic if you decided to vent about your experiences.

• One of your direct reports has some quirky habits that everyone is aware of. One of her direct reports tells you about her latest odd behavior. You think of a very funny, disparaging joke that you could tell at her expense.

• Your boss just hit you with some unexpected, harshly delivered criticism. When one of your peers drops by your office, you really want to shut the door and unload — just as your peer did last week.

In each one of these scenarios, pause for just a few seconds to think about the short- and long-term impact of your actions. As a leader, I urge you to simply hold back from making negative comments about anyone you work with at any time, regardless of the level of the person you are talking about or the level of the person you are talking to. Just take the high road. You don’t know if, when or how your words will get shared.

Your Negativity Reflects on YOU

When you speak negatively about someone, even if what you’re saying is true, you may experience several consequences. First, your unkind words may get back to that person and affect your working relationship with them and possibly the entire team’s dynamics. Second, instead of thinking less of the person you are criticizing, your audience might actually think less of you:

• "If you’re saying this about John, what are you saying about me behind my back?"

• "If this is how you talk about people you work with, why would I want to work with you?"

• "Stop complaining and just fix the problem. You’re supposed to be a leader."

The higher up you are in the organization, the more weight your words carry. Ultimately, your behavior may erode the trust that you’ve worked so hard to build. No matter how good it feels in the moment to vent or joke about a colleague, is it worth the potential long-term damage to your reputation? Negative comments can have a long shelf life.

Better Ways to Deal With Frustration

So what can you do instead if you’ve hit the wall and need to vent?

It's OK to vent — just avoid it at work. Confide in trusted friends or family outside the office. Or simply get your negative thoughts out of your head and onto a piece of paper. Write them down uncensored. After you've had a chance to blow off some steam, identify what's really bothering you. By getting to the heart of the issue, you can start focusing on how to solve it.

You will realize that you have several options to improve the situation. It's easy to put off having a difficult or uncomfortable conversation, but doing so is much more constructive than gossiping or throwing someone under the bus. For more advice on giving feedback, see my articles "How to Give Constructive Feedback to Your Boss" and "How to Help a Problem Employee Get on Track."

More Unwritten Rules

If you'd like to read more on the unwritten rules of work, check out the past articles in this series:

• The unwritten rules about speaking up in meetings

• The unwritten rules about professional appearance

• The unwritten rules of flexible schedules

• The unwritten rules of results vs. relationships

If you have questions about other unwritten rules at work, please don't hesitate to drop me a note. I may answer your question in an upcoming blog article.

What You Do Vs. How You Do It: The Unwritten Rules

There's a stumbling block that trips up all too many promising leaders, especially new leaders. But it's something that your managers are unlikely to talk with you about. In today's installment of my series on the unwritten rules of business, I want to shine some light on an issue that urgently needs to be on your radar if you are a leader now or you aspire to lead in the future.

It's Not Just About Results Anymore

The roots of this issue go back to how most organizations choose leaders in the first place. Typically, outstanding individual contributors are identified as having leadership potential and encouraged to move into management roles. As they become managers, they tend to assume that the habits and behaviors that have served them well so far will continue to help them succeed. Now, as you probably know, I'm a strong believer in knowing your strengths so that can you leverage them more powerfully. But when it comes to transitioning into leadership, things get a little more complicated.

As an individual contributor, you were mostly judged on your results. You knew how to get things done and do them well. As a leader, results are still important, of course. But you're also now being evaluated on how you get those results. In other words, the leaders above you aren't just looking at what you accomplish. They also care about the experiences of those who worked with you to accomplish those results. They are paying attention to how you impact other people.

Feedback Falls Short

Some leaders, though, fail to expand their focus to include results and relationships. They keep their heads so far down in their work that they don't pay much attention to how they affect others. Working with such managers, team members don't feel valued or even heard.

When this is going on, senior leaders notice. Unfortunately, however, they often fail to give feedback on how the manager interacts with others because they're still creating high-quality results. Or if senior leaders are giving feedback, it doesn't convey the seriousness of the problem. "I'm still getting raises and bonuses," the manager might think. "So what they're talking about doesn't sound like that big of a deal."

Because they don't correct the problem early, things only get worse. You've probably heard the saying that people don't leave companies, they leave managers. And managers who don't value relationships are the very ones that cause employees to leave. When retention becomes a problem, then senior leaders step up their feedback, which often blindsides the manager. It's a lose-lose situation. Because of the manager, team members are disengaged or even leaving the company. And the manager's once-promising career is at risk of being derailed by problems that should have been addressed much sooner.

How Are You Showing That You Care?

So what can you do as a leader or aspiring leader to avoid this scenario? No matter what messages you get from your own managers, always realize that your success hinges on both your results and your relationships. It's not just about what you deliver. How you deliver it is also important.

With that in mind, here are a few prompts to help you notice how you're doing with building relationships:

• When you're leading a meeting, do you launch into your agenda immediately or allow for some socializing?

• Are you all shop talk, all the time — even when you run into someone in the hallway?

• How present are you with others? Do you give them your full attention or are you thinking about everything else you need to be doing?

• How often do make others feel included by asking for their questions and input?

• How many colleagues who have worked on projects with you before want to work with you again?

• How much do you micromanage vs. empower others? Do you prioritize developing and teaching, or just getting the work done? Does your perfectionism stop you from delegating?

• How much of yourself do you show to other people?

If you're realizing that you might be emphasizing results at the expense of relationships, here's a simple exercise to try this week. Before your interactions with others, take a moment to think about how you can convey that you care about them and not just the work you are doing together. The gift of your attention is invaluable.

For more advice on this topic, pick up a copy of "Building a Strong Team," part of my Leadership EDGE Series℠. And if you'd like to read more on the unwritten rules of work, check out the past installments in this series:

• The unwritten rules about speaking up in meetings

• The unwritten rules about professional appearance

• The unwritten rules of flexible schedules

If you have questions about other unwritten rules at work, please don't hesitate to drop me a note. I may answer your question in an upcoming blog article.

Flexible Work Schedules: The Unwritten Rules

This Mother's Day, working moms have something to celebrate: More and more workplaces are offering flexible scheduling.

Flexible schedules are widely popular among all workers, but research has shown that they're especially important to women. One study found that having flexible hours closes the wage gap (and then some!) between working moms and women who don't have children. Flexible schedules also support women's ambitions. At companies with flexible work arrangements, more high-potential women aspire to the senior executive/CEO level compared with firms without such arrangements.

However, if you are taking advantage of flexible scheduling at your workplace, there are some things you need to know to reap the benefits while still sending the right messages about your leadership. That's why I chose to cover this topic in my series of articles about the unwritten rules of business.

Do Others Understand Your Schedule?

After all these years of everyone talking about work-life balance, working on a nontraditional schedule can still get a range of reactions in the business world. You may run into others' perceptions of what a typical workday should look like and what it says about you when you're doing something different.

During my last executive role at Deloitte, I incorporated some informal flexibility into my schedule. Some of my team members were in different time zones, and I had a 2-year-old son at home. So it made sense for me to leave the office a little earlier in the afternoon, go home to spend some time with my son and then do some more work after he went to bed.

This was great for managing both my personal and professional priorities. But because of my after-hours emails, some of my team members, especially those in other cities, thought I worked nonstop and all the time. Even worse, they thought I expected them to keep similar long hours, which just wasn't the case.

The Hidden Messages in After-Hours Emails

As I discovered, when people get an email from you that has a time stamp that is outside regular business hours, it raises questions. I recently discussed this with a couple of clients, one who often works a few hours late at night and the other who starts before her small children wake up, often sending her first emails before 7 a.m.

Neither of these clients feels overworked or overwhelmed. In fact, they are well in control of their schedules and are far from burnout. But the optics of their email habits convey a different message to people who don’t realize the informal flexibility they have integrated into how they work. Their team members may assume (as my former colleagues did) that they:

• Are constantly checking email

• Expect their teams to work well beyond regular business hours

• Are approaching burnout and are up at all hours working

• Can’t effectively manage their workload, delegate or ask for help

If you put yourself in others’ shoes for a minute and reflect about your own behavior, what might it say to people about you?

Communicate Clearly About Your Schedule

Don't leave it to others to draw their own conclusions about your capabilities or your stress level. Consider proactively sharing how the strategies you’ve implemented increase your productivity and effectiveness as a leader. Remember that most people have difficulty working in a way that is sustainable, and sharing your approach may give the permission they want to start making changes.

That's what I did with my colleagues at Deloitte. When I realized that they thought I never unplugged, I knew that I needed to explain my approach and “connect the dots” for them. I told them that I wasn't always working — and that I didn't expect them to, either. I also encouraged them to adapt their schedules to fit their own needs (as long as business needs were also met).

But sometimes you may have to tweak your approach to better fit the culture. For example, if you frequently send emails outside of normal business hours, you may inadvertently set an expectation that others have to change the hours they work to accommodate you. So, unless it’s urgent, I suggest that you save your draft emails to send during business hours. This will reinforce your commitment to everyone working in a way that honors their personal and professional priorities.

I want to challenge you to take 5-10 minutes to identify the assumptions people may be making about you, based on how you work. Are they taking away the right messages about your leadership? For more ideas on building work-life balance, check out "Staying in the Driver's Seat" from my Leadership EDGE Series℠.

More Unwritten Rules

Did you miss the earlier articles in this series? Follow the links below to catch up now:

• The unwritten rules about speaking up in meetings

• The unwritten rules about professional appearance

And if you have questions about other unwritten rules at work, please don't hesitate to drop me a note. I may answer your question in an upcoming blog article.

How to Speak Up More in Meetings: The Unwritten Rules

Meetings can be tricky to navigate for anyone. But women often have some extra challenges that men don't face. Researchers have found that women speak less than men do at meetings, and, as a result of this, their contributions are often underestimated. But they can also be judged more harshly than men if others perceive that they speak a lot.

Given the importance and sensitivity of this topic, I wanted to include this as a topic in my current series of articles about the unwritten rules of work. (Here's a link to the series' first article, on professional appearance, if you missed it and would like to catch up.) Today, I want to give you both the confidence and the practical strategies you need to be heard.

What Keeps You From Speaking at Meetings?

In your next meeting, pay attention to your comfort level voicing your ideas and opinions. If you find yourself not saying much, take a few minutes to reflect about what's really holding you back. Here are some common reasons I see time and again in my work with leaders. Which ones resonate with you?

• You feel like you don't know enough about the topic or that you know less than everyone else. This is not your area of expertise.

• You're not comfortable speaking off the top of your head.

• Putting your idea out there feels risky. What if they reject it?

• You hesitate to speak up around people with more experience or tenure than you have.

• You feel that it's rude to talk over or interrupt others, especially if they're more senior than you are, and that’s what it would take to share your idea in this setting. Or you don't want to seem pushy.

How to Speak Up More

Now that you have a better sense of why you don’t speak up in meetings, you can work on reducing your hesitation. For many people, this involves shifting their mindset and expectations of themselves.

If you're not comfortable speaking off the cuff or putting your ideas out there, realize that you're expected to do both more and more as you advance as a leader. Consider making these areas a focus of your leadership development, and look for safe ways to practice, such as volunteer opportunities.

If talking over others or interrupting feels rude to you, remember that you can be heard while still honoring your value of respecting others. First, hone your ability to read the room and adjust your style accordingly. In a meeting where everyone is being loud, passionate and outspoken, you can "amp up" your typical approach without stepping on others' toes. In a meeting with this kind of crowd, it can be helpful to make your points early before everyone really gets charged up.

Also consider whether any beliefs from your culture or your family might impact whether you speak up. For example, "I should always defer to people who are older and more experienced" or "No one likes women who talk too much." These ideas can be so deeply engrained in you that you're not even aware of them until you start reflecting about your underlying assumptions or values.

One of the biggest shifts you can make is realizing that you can add value to a meeting even when you don't have expertise or experience in the area being discussed. Sometimes your fresh perspective is the very thing that makes you valuable. When everyone else has been immersed in a topic, they may be unable to "see the forest for the trees" the way that you can as a relative outsider.

You don't always have to have the answer or solution, either. Others can benefit just from hearing how you think about the problem. Your approach might be one that they had not considered. You can even add value just by synthesizing and summarizing what you are hearing. When you make statements like "Here are the key opportunities and roadblocks I'm hearing …" or "Kevin, it sounds like you and Debra actually have similar goals here, but you're just stating them a little differently …" you help keep meetings on track and focused.

Don't Go It Alone

As with so many other aspects of developing as a leader, speaking more in meetings gets easier when you enlist an ally in your cause. Ask a trusted colleague to help you enter the conversation. They can say something like "Mona, you've handled situations like this. I'd love to hear your insights."

I also have a variety of products and services to help you build your confidence around speaking up. A great starting point is the title "Communicating With Impact from my Leadership EDGE Series℠. And if you have questions about other unwritten rules at work, please don't hesitate to drop me a note. I may answer your question in an upcoming blog article.

How to Look More Professional: The Unwritten Rules

Sometimes the most important things to know as a leader are the ones that nobody really talks about. These "unwritten rules" of leadership are essential for your success and advancement. Over the next few weeks, I'll be sharing some of the most important ones.

Let’s start with an area that affects your personal leadership brand more than you may realize: how you dress and groom yourself. If you’re already rolling your eyes thinking about it, remember that this is really about building professional credibility and personal confidence. And, even if this sounds basic, you would be surprised at how often these topics come up in discussions about a person’s credibility as a leader.

If you just got promoted or you're aiming to move up, this topic matters even more. You need to "look the part" for your new role, or the one you aspire to.

As a starting point, consider any written rules about dress and grooming in your workplace. Your company's policies could contain important information — for example, what "business casual" means in your workplace. But many dress codes can be vague. Perhaps yours leaves a lot open to interpretation.

The 5 Keys to Looking Like a Leader

No matter what your company dress code says, here are some overall guidelines that will help you present yourself in a way that enhances your leadership. Do a quick self-assessment using these questions:

How much does your look:

1. Fit the context of your workplace? (Or do you look like you're headed for another setting entirely?)

2. Distract from your knowledge and experience in any way?

3. Reinforce your desired personal brand as a leader?

4. Make you feel more confident?

5. Convey credibility?

Dressing for Leadership

So how can you meet these criteria every day? Here are a few key things to remember.

• Details matter. Dress in a way that shows others that you understand the culture of your office and have good judgment. That means wearing clothes that fit your body, your role and workplace. Steer clear of items that are too tight and revealing and those that are boxy or swallow you up. Pay attention to whether your clothing needs pressing or repairing. If you're wearing a thin shirt or blouse, don't forget an undershirt or a camisole.

• Don't show up unfinished. If you come to work half-ready with your hair still wet, your makeup in process, with a tie in your hand or with ungroomed facial hair, how do you expect others to feel confident that you can handle more responsibility? You can’t even be ready to work when you show up at work. It may sound silly, but people can draw big conclusions from seemingly little things.

You constantly send messages about your leadership — from the moment you arrive at the office. Make sure they align with what you want others to recognize about your leadership, rather than raise questions about your capabilities. By simply investing 2-3 extra minutes a day to consider your appearance, you can boost your credibility.

• Stand out with style. Dressing professionally doesn't have to mean stifling your individuality. In fact, I suggest you use your personal style to distinguish yourself as a leader. A signature accessory — like funky ties or socks, unique jewelry, or shoes — can convey your creativity and originality. Whatever you wear, consider how it makes you feel, and how it fits your brand and the organization’s culture. You don’t have to sacrifice your identity. Be authentic and seek out something that enhances your brand and your company’s brand.

• It isn't just how you look. If your boss has to give you feedback about your personal "aroma," it can get awkward really fast for both of you. So take a minute to ask yourself some hard questions: How often do you forget to use deodorant, especially after a morning or lunchtime workout? Does your perfume or cologne completely change the air in the room and linger long after you have left? If you smoke, are you sure that you left most of the smell of your cigarettes outside? Remember that your coworkers may also have physical reactions like headaches to strong scents. What does your oral hygiene look like, especially after coffee or food with strong spices? That can also add to the “aroma” in the room.

Like it or not, the way you present yourself does play a big role in whether others perceive your credibility and potential. But it's also one of the easiest areas to make positive changes and can be really fun to play around with.

You can implement one or more of these suggestions without going broke or making your routine too high maintenance. Invest in a few high-quality pieces of clothing that you can wear repeatedly and that make you feel confident. Magazines, online videos and advice from professionals like your hairstylist can help you create a low-maintenance, polished look.

I want to encourage you to pick one or two things to implement. To further enhance your image as a leader, pick up a copy of "Building Executive Presence," part of my Leadership EDGE Series℠. And if you have questions about other unwritten rules at work, please don't hesitate to drop me a note. I may answer your question in an upcoming blog article.

One Superpower You Can’t Afford to Overlook

Have you ever wondered how some people maintain a positive attitude in the face of challenges while others get stuck in negativity, fear or frustration? Over 10 years ago, when I went through my executive coaching program, I took a positive psychology class. How to notice and amplify the positive — to focus on what is working, rather than what isn’t — really intrigued me.

Since then, I have proactively integrated the key principles of positive psychology into my work and have seen the powerful impact on my clients.  

So, when the opportunity came up to attend a workshop with Dr. Barbara Frederickson, I jumped at the chance. Her eye-opening research on the science of emotion shows how positive emotions and connection to purpose can give you disproportionate strength and why. I know I can’t do her work justice in this short article, but I want to highlight some important takeaways (check out her books, Positivity and Love 2.0).

We Are Wired to Notice the Negative More Than the Positive

Like me, you might be surprised that, by definition, emotions are very brief.  They exist to address the situation at hand, with negative emotions helping us deal with current threats and positive emotions helping us access our resourcefulness. Dr. Frederickson explained that because of how we are hard-wired, “Negative emotions can hit us like a sledgehammer while positive emotions are more like a whisper.” Over time they may create “lingering lenses.” On the negative side, this might look like someone having a tendency to blame others or see the worst in most situations.

Positive Emotions Are Powerful

On the positive side, there are a whole host of striking benefits because positive emotions are tightly linked to how long people live and how healthy they are. The data are clear and show a direct correlation between positive emotions and heart health, immune health and resilience. Positive emotions can even increase an individual’s sense of purpose. In other words, positive emotions can help you find more meaning and even see your job more as a calling.

You Can’t Just Flip a Switch

To feel more positive emotion, you can't just go straight to the end goal. Although you may hear others say things like this, it isn’t quite as simple as saying, “Be happy. Feel positive!” My tongue-in-cheek response to comments like those is, “Hmm. OK. Let me just stuff my feelings, go forth and conquer.”

Choose Intentional Strategies Over Willpower to Create Lasting Change

Sheer willpower doesn’t work in the long run.  To notice the positive, you may need some intentional strategies.

A great example is when someone decides they want to immediately start working out five days a week when they currently don’t work out at all and may not have in months. I used to jokingly say that step one is to just get your workout clothes on, because you’ll feel silly wearing them and not doing something active.  But after sitting in Dr. Frederickson’s workshop, I realized that there’s more to it:

1. First, notice how often you actually think about the activity – in this case, exercising (once or multiple times a day, weekly, never?).

2. Second, identify what percentage of your thoughts about the activity is positive or negative. When I think about working out, I typically think about how it will give me energy and get me outside in the sun. For others, they may think more about the difficulty and the obstacles: “I don’t have time. I’m so out of shape. This is going to be torture.”

3. Third, think about how positive your experience is while you are engaging in the activity

I remember when I used to go to spinning classes regularly with friends, I loved it—even when I was too tired to do it. I enjoyed catching up with my friends, listening to the upbeat music and picking a person in the class to secretly “compete” with. If I had only been focused on the outcome, to get through the one-hour class, I wouldn’t have enjoyed it nearly as much. In other words, make some tweaks to the experience so that it becomes more enjoyable, rather than just focusing on the accomplishment.

Once you have greater awareness about your thoughts about an activity, you can actually take some simple steps to “program” your spontaneous thoughts to be more positive. She suggested using an “If (this), then (that)” approach. Continuing with our example of exercise, here’s what it would look like in practice:

• If I am too tired to exercise after work, then I will remind myself how good I will feel once I start exercising.

• If it is a nice day outside, then I will go for a walk in my favorite park or trail.

These simple strategies will help you develop effective ways to counteract some of the challenges and negative thoughts you may be facing. I have been trying them myself and am surprised at how quickly they start to work. I have barely scraped the surface in sharing Dr. Frederickson’s research and its far-reaching impact. My goal right now is to challenge you to just get started.  Energy is contagious, so as you begin to feel more positive emotions it will affect others around you, too. And remember that small steps can lead to big results.

How to Make a Difference During Women's History Month

March is Women's History Month, a great reminder to celebrate the accomplishments of women and to think about how we can do more to help all women unlock their full potential.

If you're a female leader yourself, know that your unique strengths have immense value. When you put them into play more fully, you create a powerful ripple effect. And no matter your gender, you also cause a ripple effect when you support women at work.

To make an even bigger difference for women, arm yourself with knowledge about current challenges and how you can make an impact. For example:

• Women are still underrepresented in management, according to the Women in the Workplace 2018 study, conducted by McKinsey & Company in partnership with LeanIn.org. McKinsey recommends that companies take actions such as setting targets for gender diversity, holding leaders accountable for results, closing gender gaps in hiring and promotions and doing more to build more respectful and inclusive cultures. If these changes need to happen in your workplace, think about how you can be an advocate for them.

• More and more research shows the economic benefits of gender diversity. For example, McKinsey "found that companies in the top quartile for gender diversity on their executive teams were 15 percent more likely to experience above-average profitability than companies in the fourth quartile." Consider reading up on these statistics so that you can share them when discussions about gender diversity happen at your workplace.

• Learn about the phenomenon called silencing, which causes women to disengage at work, and learn to recognize its signs. If you feel that you have been silenced, one thing you can do to heal is seeking support and advice from other women who understand what you're going through.

• Pew Research Center has found that working mothers still spend much more time on childcare and housework than working fathers do. As a leader in your workplace, what steps can you implement or suggest to help working moms thrive? That could mean doing things like promoting more flexibility in work schedules or not planning meetings during school pick-up and drop-off times.

Consider sharing these facts and figures with others to open discussions in your workplace. Since Newberry Executive Solutions specializes in working with women leaders, you may also want to take a look at our corporate programs, executive coaching and publications, whether for yourself or as part of a program for women in your workplace.

How to Stop Working All the Time

I recently facilitated a discussion at the University of Houston’s Women’s Studies Table Talk 2010 event, and it inspired this article. We had an invigorated discussion about how we live in a 24/7, “give me what I’m asking for right now” world. Many of us work in companies with a high performance, immediate response culture which makes it SO hard to stop working all the time.

Well I’m here to tell you that it is possible to stop work from taking over your life if you
start with what you can control.

Here are 4 simple strategies to get you started.

1. Recognize your mindset.

Your mindset plays a huge role in all of this. I’ll give you an example. A retired nurse at our table asked a great question, “Why can’t something wait until tomorrow? In nursing, if you don’t get everything done during your shift, a patient could die. I just don’t understand what can’t wait in business.”

As you know, when you’re “in it,” it is so hard to see how crazy it might look or sound from an outside perspective. It’s hard to keep in mind that for most our jobs no one will die if everything doesn’t get done today. Just remember to focus on completing what does matter the most. In the end, that’s what really counts.

2. Help others see your focus on business goals and results.

Do you worry about what others will think if you start setting boundaries? For example, will others look at how you work (e.g., your hours or schedule, and whether you’re in the office or working at home) as a bigger indicator of your commitment and performance than your actual results? For example, if you leave work at 5:00 every day, even if you don’t have a socially acceptable excuse like a child to pick up, will they think you’re just not working hard enough even if you’re getting the job done?

If this sounds familiar, think about how you can proactively communicate and manage up. Just remember that others, including your boss, are far too busy to notice everything you’re doing, so what they do see is often their picture of reality. Be strategic about providing positive snapshots of your performance – but do it with integrity and authenticity. For example, keep them regularly informed about important issues and how you are managing through them, or your progress on a key business goal.

3. Set personal boundaries.

Setting personal boundaries that allow you to maintain your energy and productivity is critical. Let’s look at a couple of examples. A woman at our table agreed to start turning off her BlackBerry at 8 PM every day, which will also help her stop dreaming about work! Another woman said she consistently leaves the office at 5:00 to make a 5:30 class at the gym, and she has a workout buddy meet her there (which makes it much harder not to show up). As a result, others around her know how important exercise is to her, and she has in effect “trained them” to expect her to leave at 5 no matter what. Both of these women will be so much more productive by setting limits that allow them to recharge, instead of just working more hours that lead to burnout.

4. Ask for help.

I know that asking for help is particularly hard if you’re a high-achieving perfectionist. I will just ask you one question: When you say “yes” to doing everything perfectly, what are you saying “no” to by default? It may be exercise, time with your kids, or time for yourself – the possibilities are endless.

Perfectionist or not, I would urge you to stretch yourself to think about creative ways to ask for and get help. Remember, there are plenty of eager young professionals out there wanting to develop themselves, even if they don’t report directly to you.

I’d like to end with a Call to Action. Pick one of the four areas above to start with, and find someone to hold you accountable for whatever action step you decide to take. You might be surprised that once you start making changes to stop working all the time, others may be eager to make changes too.